I stayed clean for 3 whole days !! 1st day was my birthday. Felt good to stay clean and not be high. And now that I have relapsed, I am again disgusted by myself, yet I feel complete again now. The satisfaction, the feeling of completion, to be able to breathe properly I am so addicted to smoking and harming that I don't know if I'll be able to leave it. But I am proud of the fact I have tried. Most times I don't try but sometimes I do and with that I hope that one day I'll be completing clean!! Hey can anyone tell it is better to get de-addict by slowly decreasing the amount of packets or stop altogether. I want to become better

Dear mom I try so hard to please you. I try to do everything you say. I say yes to everything. Then why am I still the bad one? why am i the wrong one? I am tired of your rejection every time I do something wrong. I am sorry I am not a son but a daughter. I dated the guy you like. I in in a profession of your choice. I am the ideal daughter anybody can wish for. You have driven me to that point I want to break you till the point you broke me. I want you to feel regret, I want you to fail, I want you to be sad, I want to torture you. So that you can realize that every verbal and physical attack of yours hurt me. I want to you to regret till the point that you go mad. If I kill myself it will only be so I can blame you. I can't have children because of you. I am a loner, I am a loser. I had the potential, you have broken me into so many pieces that I am harming self. Smoke drink blood, I am high all the time because of you. I don't believe in god, I don't pray, i don't hope, I don't love, I don't live. Mothers are supposed to love yet all you do is urge me to be perfect for you I want to escape and make you depressed as you have made me.

I swear I don't know what I have done to deserve this. Does karma exist ? If it does then I wonder what crime must I have done. No doubt I have got it fairly easier than others. But I m not strong. This thing affects me as much as others. I am living in my own personal hell now. I am slave to myself, finding happiness in pleasure. Being temporary high is my only chance at happiness. I am harming myself. I will destroy my life soon. I am at the edge, will topple over if I can't get back. I know I need to get out of here. But will it be too late? Will I lose myself? I know they care, I know I love them. Then why am I distancing? Am I too afraid to love? Am I too afraid to get attached again? What has happened to me? Since when I have become so depressed? Why have I become so depressed? Is it because of Evan? I don't think much about him when I am depressed. Is it because of Vicky? Because I had my friend Rollin to get me out of him easily. Is it because of Rollin ? Because I really love his girlfriend. Is it because of Dan ? Because I did a feel a bit relived when it was him who stopped things. I don't know what to think, I don't know what do. I just want to feel better. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? Someone please save me before I fall over the edge and plunge into this darkness that I have grown accustomed to.

I feel like I have lost myself. I am not in control anymore. The "demon" has taken place. It is making me hurt myself. I don't want to. But it just laughs. It is so stronger than me. I wish I were strong enough. But I am not in control anymore. I am not in touch with reality anymore. I am constantly high. I want to feel things now. I can't control myself. The demon calling is so strong. Once again I submit and submit myself to it. I want to be ok, I want to be happy, I want to normal. I am now gambling my life. I have lost faith. I have lost hope. I am disgusted by my addictions. Not just one but many. Soon my parents will find out. They are on verge of throwing me out

Dear CS,

You know how there is one person who is so shallow and yet everybodys favourite, just because she is the first kid. I mean WHATT!!! Can't people see ?? My stupid blind family. I can go on and on about bad qualities about my sis. So....

Bringing back to today, my phone's jack is irrepairable. So i can't basically listen to songs. Yea I know poor me. So i exchanged with my dad's phone (With EVIL SMILE). It does not have any app to open pdfs.

Anyways using his phone, did for while but you know college has started and I need to study from ebooks. So i got to take my old phone(SAD SIGH).

My sis , the dumbest person in the world who doesn't even know how to operate an smart phone has one of the best. She uses only whatsapp on it. I mean get a life.

So logically thinking i asked her phone for 2 and half months. I got a clear NO.

I wish my parents realise what a bitch she is one day and give me what i deserve one day.

Well HOPE IS FREE.

Thanks CS for hearing my rambling

love you

-- Avani !