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From the top

I literaly think i have hit rock bottom and waved myself good bye.

To give you idea of how i am at the moment i decided to do this. First time doing anything like this feels like the the time i went to "the Gadget Show Live". But i should probly start from well the start. I far as i can tell my childhood was not exactly anything special. My mam raised the 4 of us (older brother and sister and a younger sister) while also being a local child minder. When i went to Primary School i did what kids proberly normaly done feel into groups pocked fun at other kids and went on like there was not even a care in the world. While there i met my 2 Best Friends one was a laugh and we were friends till the end of Secandry (but that will come later). The other friend i still know and talk to even today (even though he is a cunt 99% of the time) but he can be funny and has his moments. The problem is i know that at one point i had picked on him but i dont think he knows this but if he does then that another matter altogether.

So lets fast forward to secondry starts off fine and dandy but i think thats where my problems started. By this time i had known that my "dad" had left my mam before i was born (and again later). Then my first (what i feel major)mistake came in my second year the group that we had formed used to walk along a landscaped slope during our breaks but this this time i got abit to close to one of the other group members and my knee hit his arse. As a kid and back then we were told the your straight or your evil kind of thing and well i dont know if he was just joking or what but that just hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like i had made the worst mistake of the history of the world and I was constantly for about 2 years. At one point i actualy questioned my self after the accident but then i remembered this asian(india ,pakistan direction not japan) lass from primary school even though she had only been in our class for about 4 - months i still cried when she moved to think it was Newcastle or some where in that direction. Then thats when i asked myself where is my dad. Another mistake was a year later i will admit now it was stupid and completely dumb of me. Just ramdomly i saw one of my class mates (term used loosely hardly knew her) and decided i wonder what route she takes to school(please note this was only from about 3 minutes walk for school) i got confronted in class before school started horifing experiance i can tell you. But that where i leant that i can put on a bloody good act to put this into context i was cring my eyes out and probly with a red mark on my face and 2 minutes later when the teacher walked in i was sitting there smile on my face like nothing had happened. Another mistake was buring our RE class (religious eduction) i found a book literly called "Understanding Jews" i went back to my seat and told my friends about it. One of my friends who we called "Turkey" just started having a go at me taking it completely the wrong way i tried to explain this to him but he just lost it and ended storming out of the class room.

The next couple of Years went smoothly no problems everything was fine but still now and then thought where is my dad. I was never good at English my spelling was a mess (Probly tell) but Maths i was brilliant i wondered to myself why arn't i in the higher class at the but oh well. By the time we were almost at the GCSEs i was starting to get bored with it (i loved Maths i mean loved it). The were just getting to easy ther was no variaty we would literaly do the same equations that we had done 6 month ago(teaching system sort yourself out). But when the GCSE exams came round Maths i aced it got the highest grade i could a B but i felt like i could of done better if i was in the higher class. English was another tin of worms ask me to do anything creative at that point i was like so what the hell am i to do with this space write my life story, start a novel or even explain why this was complete jibberish to me so as you can guess i got what i think is the lowest score. so to cut that short any creative writing or think out of the box but you have to think this way not that way, this way, i was crap to the point where i didn't do half of the course work (give that guy a medal hes on a roll).

So this is where my problems realy begin after the GCSEs my mother said we're moving the reasons for this i want to keep personal. But during this time i still kept in touch with my other friend (the second) i dont know why but we are and do. But one of the time during the school holidays we went on a boating holiday and i stayed at his for about a week after. This was a bad mistake for me. Right this is tough for me because its not 100% my story but here it goes. They had just bought a new TV and my friend says what he wants and knows most of his stuff. But his dad was having problems with the TV remote and he took or snatched i was in the back room so i dont know but he started beating his son it end up finishing in the main hall way. I did what i had told myself i should do there and then i took the rest of my holiday money and went home simply because i didnt know what else to do. On the way i was crying my eyes out i  got home my mam suprised and with 2 kids she was looking after, suprised i was back. We went in to the kitchen me still crying my eyes out for atleast another 10 minutes then explaining what had just happened. About 15 minutes later my friend's dad coming round saying he was sorry trying to explain it i nodded and said ok but i still remember and still can't forgive him even though it wasn't against me.

There was another slightly viloent episode back when i was stil only about 11 -12 there was a kid that was staying with us for a couple of days evrything was fine we were having fun. But then something must of flicked in him when we were playing with an easyest way to explain it would be a scalectric set we were taking it apart and for somereason he whacks me agianst the back of my neck with one of the little flexable barriers and i do what kids do go crying to mam telling her what he done and he just flat out denies it right there 2 minutes after he done it. and i think the bastard took my brothers "worms" for the saga megadrive.

Well this is where things start to get boring for me. So the year after i finish school i go to college study electrical installation i found it interesting and kept me busy. I was the youngest out of the whole class most of them ether had experiance or already had something lined up for the observasion/done work sheets that we had to do for the course. Being ony 15 and fresh out of school there wasnt anyone willing to take me on so we done the next best thing end of year copy someone elses work changing a couple of words here and there. Then i get more news we are moving again but this time 200 miles away and im thinking so long home town it was great while it lasted. This is where thngs for me started to get worse i was out of college and thee wasnt anything that i wanted to do at college so i decided ill get a job I applied for about 20 jobs had i interveiw and now ive been working there for 9 years now.

So i now work for a what it calls itself a quick service restraunt *cough cough KFC cough cough*. The plan was work there for a couple of years use it as yes ive had a job card vut hen this started to down hill at home we couldnt aford to live where we were so i had to move out by this time i had saved up enough my to afford the fees and everything all i had to do was sign the contract and i was in. Everything was fine for the first few monthes and then January rolled around and i fell behind on one of my payments. I was a slob the first time i ended up not taking out my rubbish for a month, i was taking tubs of icecream home from work and still worrying about the missing months rent then my mother comes round and see the mess all of it. Took 5 bin bags of rubbish at least and ended up paying the months rent. I felt like i had just crushed her faith in me to be able to look after myself. then i just lived in a trance of go to work, go to the shop to buy food go home sleep (rinse and repeat style). Then i moved in with my sister which was brilliant well it would of been if i hadn't just sign another 6 month contract on where i was living. But everything ended being ok i even went back to college haveing to pay £750 for the course mind thinking this is my chance to change job and get out of KFC(still hate it). Course went fine there was a couple of small hicups in the course but nothing major the work experiance part was delayed to nearly the end of the course and our tutor left for another job plus i locked myself out one night and feel asleep in class.

Almost missed this partout when i was doing the work experiance my friend literaly summed up my situation in no more then 100 characters. Just then it dawned on me he was right my life upto that point had just been one big fuck up after another. I broke down crying convinced im just the biggest fuck up on the face of this planet even thought about suicide thinking it was the best thing to do at the time. I had just given up on everything i was this close to actualy going to do it but i some how managed to force myself to just think but how would your family think of you just think of how your going to let them down how do you think they will feel. So i managed to convince myself that hes wrong just put on that mask of yours and just show the day it cant control you.

So then we had to move out my sister was going to live with going to uni and i could afford the place by myself so i got where i live now. I love it here the road isnt too load although can't say th same about the person next door. There is a Tescos right across from me and family close by its brilliant. First couple of years great got the internet had a phone line no TV though managed to pay my bills and keep the place half clean.

Right just for the record i know im too nice i will help other then think about myself upto a point but im not stupid about it. And this is where things have started to fall apart. First thing i was stupid enough to let someone in to use my phone to call a taxi ended up running out of where i live with my laptop under arm and probly my ipod in pocket. Few months later he walks in to the store where i work he was with a group of friends and they were drunk so we called the police. They show up tell them what happened again and all they do is kick them out of the store, thank you police. Ater this i tell my friend about what happened after the orignal incident and the first thing he does is laugh in my face. But no that wasn't enough he ends up telling everyone we normaly play with about this so now even on top of everyone makeing fun of me about working at KFC and a pretty bad place to live they are making jokes about me giving my laptop away.

So a couple of months later i get this laptop i know i should of got a desktop but this was cheaper and had better specs. Anyway get onto him later again. So i got this laptop on a payment plan it was on a plan the i could afford and still save a bit of money for a rainy day. Things start to go south at work the store is starting to make less money and everyones hours get cut. During this time i switch my internet provider get it installed instore and with free installation 2 months before i go on holiday to see my friend and other family. I get a call the second week stating that i need to pay the installation and they cant get the money from my account so i tell them it was free installation and i got it instore they clear the charge. Now another problem no money. So i get a credit card to help get me through the rough patch. Then i go on holiday again but i forget to tell my gran. She comes round my friends basicly dragging me out of the house (this is at about 8pm) and gives me the silent treatment me feeling guilty about not telling her i was coming we go outside and i break down crying my mask gone just wondering out load if it is even worth going on in life. But i manage to gain control but the mask back on and carry on talking like normal people. The next year with my hours slowly goin down the toilt not getting any replies from the 15 applications. Tring to keep up apperances i get a loan an xbox one and even more indebt and a maxed out credit card, borrowing money from my mam that i cant afford to pay back.

Same year my dad adds me on facebook (hardly use it) i add him thinking probly someone i know and i go to my mam's to do my washing. So my mam and the person she's living with sit me down and says your dad has added you on facebook. At that point my mind just connected the 2 together and keeping carm with questions running through my head and finnish my washing and go home. With one big question running throught my head WHY?! Why come back now? Why did he leave? Why come back at all? Why not contact me when i was younger? Did he even want me? Well as you can probly guess i got home and just started crying punching my chair asking this questions over and over again. Then remembering what my mam said to me just hours ago look at what you've managed without him look at where you are where you've been what you have done. So my brother gets married happy as hell for him but knowing he was at the recpetion knowing he was there. I was going to ignore him just be nice to him but ignore him. Then he waves me over not knowing it was him and we talk just thinking the same questions again, keeping on a mask we have like a 3 minute talk he goes back and i loss it in the toilt. So my mam, the person shes living with and my brother go outside me still crying then my brother and the other mam go back inside he shouting the questions through tears. I manage to put the mask back on and put on a brave face and enjoy the rest of the evening.

So now here i am have a laon, a maxed credit card, a maxed overdraft ,a payment plan till 2016 and i still owe my mam £700. I know this is a time to be happy and be with family but right now i don't know how and i don't know if i even have the will to put the mask back on. I still need £150 for my rent and i don't want to ask for more money. Right now i don't know what to do i know i need to do something but what? I don't know if i can even carry on this could all end easy. I have nothing i can spare. I just need to know is there good out there. do i mean anything other then a code or a number on a system of numbers. Is there anyone that can help me now? So here i am  falling down the hole wondering where it will end will i still be me at the bottom or will i just end me being some husk of myself. I know im not the only one in this kind of situation but i cant but feel that im just being ignored by everyone i know.

I have a plan but still i dont think i can make it through or even if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will be tough no matter what happens but even then i feel like there is no upside to my situation.

Also if anyone thinks about trolling me stick your head up an elephants arse and see how long you can live for.

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