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on the verge

After almost 50 years on this planet, I am struggling with coming up with any reason to stay here.  I have spent my life worrying about how others see me, a wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend.  I have always had difficulty making and keeping friends, but thought I had it figured out when my daughters were in high school/middle school.  I got involved in volunteering at their schools, surrounding myself with fellow parents with similiar interests- but now the girls have moved on with their lives as children do, I have lost any sense of usefulness.  Friends I thought I had made have gone by the wayside- I have made some half assed attempts to maintain those relationships, but how!  I have been a suppportive wife, dedicated mother, absentee daughter and angry sister.

Having survived incest, been my mother's sounding board and support, emotionally unavailable father and older sister to 2 other incest survivors, I found a way out and left without looking back- became a wife and later a mother.  I never became ME!  I am lost in this world, with no real purpose left.  I feel that my time on this planet is done, like a timer on a stove, my time is up.  I have tried self medication, therapy, gambling, but nothing has filled the emptiness that has always existed in my life and although I have had many distractions over my life, yet still empty!  Now that I am no longer needed, maybe, it's time to end it all.  I am tried of waking everyday only to find it void!  A husband that is tried of putting up with my moods and lack of desire.  Children that are making their marks in this world.  I sit quietly back and observe.  I am just tired.  There is nothing left for me to do- have I accomplished all that I was meant to?

I think that just playing the insurance game, find a doctor to write a script for sleeping pills, taking them and sitting in the car with the engine running in the garage would be the easiest way out.  but then I worry, not for myself, not my husband (who I know would be fine) but my girls- I have lived to see one marry, both graduate college- but if I decide to check out now- would they hate me or could I write letters to explain, or should I just do it and let the chips fall where they may?  Fat, tired, unemployed with no skills or prospects, unmotivated, lazy is all i think about myself right now!  I just want the emptiness, pain and lonliness to just go way!  Is it time, maybe more thought is warranted!

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