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9
Aug

THE RIDE.

Yesterday was black, thick with a darkness I could feel.

There were no dreams, no moments, just a chunk of time to heavy to budge.

Nothing seemed possible, even the basics were just too much.

I hid like always turning my eyes away, praying to disappear.

But today is sunshine and a flower that looks like the first I've ever seen.

Everything is light, especially my mind, there is life, I want life.

Yesterday I wouldn't speak, today I want to write a symphony.

I'ts up. I'ts down. I'ts dead then alive.

And all I can do is grab the handle bars and ride.

 

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4
Aug

More Rambling.

It's Wednesday, the middle of another week and it's raining outside. I was just sitting out on the porch watching the rain and feeling a bit lost. I'm supposed to be supporting my wife. Supposed to be a protector and provider but at the moment don't feel like either. She's been down for over 6 weeks now. Which includes 4 weeks in hospital. I was doing ok at first. Kept busy with the day to day stuff. I was cooking and cleaning and generally keeping things going but then somehow lost momentum. My mood crashed. I felt the old darkness pressing against me, and I went down. Im lost at the moment and wondering wether I'm really trying hard enough. I get negative like that. I question my illness, I deny it. Avoid it. And pray it will go away. At times like this I feel weak. I don't want to surrender but the thought of just letting go and being is like a fatal attraction. I'm so glad I found this site. A place where I can just write it like it is and know that I have people here that understand. Thank you for listening to me. Thanks for the chance to get some of this stuff out of my head and on to the page.

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2
Aug

Where Do I Start.

I'm not sure where to start. At the moment I'm having trouble thinking back to yesterday and the idea of thinking about tomorrow just freaks me out. I feel like I'm in a bit of a no man's land. It's an uncomfortable place to be in at the moment. If only my hands could type as fast as my mind is racing, I think I could write a whole page in two minutes flat. I feel bad. Feel like hiding away from everybody and everything. Life seemed possible last week. I felt like I was doing really well and coping well with things, but this week everything is just on top of me. I'm seeing my doctor in the morning and I'll ask him about the cuts we've made to my medication. Maybe I should just go back on to my old dose and put up with the side affects. I feel like I'm rambling on and not making much sense. (Note to the reader), sorry about that. Hope tomorow I can make things a bit clearer.

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