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First post

Who knows who actually reads this stuff, probably very few as is. It's faster than a pen and not lying around the house to find, so I suppose it works. Suppose everyone says such a thing in their first post.

I'm not even entirely sure what to post here. I'm not exactly a poet. All I can say is the list of problems and how I feel that day.

I've got a plethora of them. Problems, that is. I can say I'm in college, and many people already say "oh yeah I know how that is". It stinks. I don't have 40k a year for graduate school. Or all the money for the four years it takes to get there. I can say I have man issues. Yeah. Everyone does. I was with a boy (yeah definitely a boy, i'd define a man differently) for over two years. He did the classic promise of giving me the world. Played the role of everything i'd hoped he would be. Fast forward some months, I'm pregnant. He's with a pole dancer. Literally. Try to work it out anyway. Fast forward, having a potential miscarriage. He's at a club with someone women. At parties. Posting pictures of them on his lap and him drinking and smoking his pot. Me being me, a whole family is insanely important. I wanted my baby, and i wanted the man that was the other half of her. So I took him back. He kept doing it. All those 2 and a half years. He lied to me ever single day of my life from things as simple as he was 'at school studying' yet really with them. To his phone had been dead and that's why he didn't call for 5 days. I had my daughter, despite all of the depression and struggle during. And she is beautiful. I allowed him back when she was born, and he even lived with me at first. Two weeks later, where do we find him? oh yes. You could probably even find him on a dating site still where he makes certain comments on women's bits as they flaunt their naked bodies, which he signed up for during that time too. He's had his one night stands, his extra girlfriend during me, his porn addictions, all of it. All the while, his friends and women call him a great father. He was never even there. He still doesn't even know that her favorite song is the animal sounds song on youtube. He doesn't know anything about it. Yet... They call me a crazy bitch for "constantly texting" to get his ass back home to his girlfriend and baby. Everyone says I had no reason to cuss him out or anything. Sure, I guess. Even his family. Sister, brother, father, mother, all make the same comments. Despite me taking my girl there every week. To see them, even if he isn't there. Just out of kindness. She's over a year old now. Nothing has changed.

About 2 years and a few months into it I finally decided to cheat on him back. Once. I wanted to throw up. I hated another man touching me. It was a guy from the dating site that my man had been on. Fair? Maybe. I felt disgusting and still do.

You see all my life I've held such beautiful ideals. Which people have cut me down for and called me stupid. Why? Because they want to run around from person to person and life the typical modern life. I guess I just don't fit here. I believe in one person. I won't even look at another man as 'hot" when I've got a man. I've put myself into a relationship, so I should be IN the relationship. I won't flirt. Nothing. I'm his. i don't care if he has nights of gaming with guys or whatever. So maybe he can't talk all day, but a 'hey babe this is what I'm doing, love ya, night". But the rest? I guess it was too much to ask.

I could go on about him and all the details. But this would be a very long post. Apart from him and college. I'm underweight. So what right? Many people are obese, isn't that the real issues? Well, underweight, severely so, has just as many issues. I'm 30 lbs underweight. Because i honestly can't afford more than ramen noodles and pb and j. Therefore insanely malnurished too. Suffering from candida, which gives chronic fatigue to where I barely can get out of bed in the morning, rashes, headaches, etc etc. So many symptoms. i can't fix it, because the diet is too expensive in this US. of A.

I've put what i can into my daughter. i'm still nursing her for her best health. she gets expensive organic food. clothes, everything. i don't throw her into daycare, only with people she knows while I'm away. I've read more than 10 parenting books and follow the "attachment theory". she still wakes me up every hour and a half. she screams at me all day, and is an 'angel' to everyone else. Despite how much I've tried til now. And I keep thinking I just want my life back before all this. I had such a terrific one. Was about to move out of my parents house. Had a job. doing well in school. Had friends. they all left when i got pregnant. Each friend stopped talking. My parents say I'm worthless and try to be the parents to my daughter. and say I do nothing for her. I dont' understand who has watched her and made her this "sweet" thing for this whole year then. Must be magic. She's one and says thank you. Accident I guess. I guess me wanting a two hour break at night classifies me as a failing parent. I don't know. They tell that to people.

Truth is she is all I have. And she hurts me so much. i understand she wants me, but god do i need some room to just... cry. think. breathe. I have to keep going though. When I can't. I get so angry with her that i just cant even pick her up. Yet I still love her more than anything.

i just don't understand. any of it. or what to do. the world says I'm crazy, but looking at it and all that's going on.. aren't they just a little bit :crazy:

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