BeautifulDisaster

Each day that passes I think I will be okay. I try to put things into perspective. Like what I'm going to do with myself and then I lose all focus. I know my relationship was so wrong on so many levels. But it was something. Now I have nothing. I'm so lonely depressed and everything in between. I feel worse that I left him. I'm getting so weak it;s like he is my drug. I mean I honestly know he will hurt me but part of me doesnt care because I just want him to be with me. I just want to have someone, he is all I know. It's so hard to date men now. At least I know what he is going to do. I miss him but what am I really missing. Just the thought of having someone there and for a second just feeling like he loves me when I know he really doesn;t. I have reached the lowest part of my life. I have no direction. Sitting at home each day really makes it worse. It;s feels like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm so in limbo Sad to say but his evil ways gave me something now I have nothing.  I know ppl say that time heals all wounds but they lie cuz they never say for how long. I may just get him all over again. It;s funny my B-day just passed and all i could think about was why hadn;t he asked me to marry him. 6.5 years no ring and i wasted all of my time. Now i'm getting older, fatter and uglier. No man will want me or at least treat me right. i feel so low.

Well I took the asvab test last week and did not do so well. I got a 39 but need a 50 in order to get my student loan repaid. Ahh woe is me. I feel so totally stupid. It's like my life is crumbling under my feet. Lose a man I love so much becuase he didn't love me back and now cant even get into the military what is wrong with me. Every time I get low like this I miss him even more because well he always tells me what I can't do. And when I can;t do it well it proves him right. I know sad but for some reason I held on to that. He was my pill that did not make me get better but I was addicted to it. So now the recruiter says that I can take the test over. June 1. Each passing moment I just don't know what to do with myself. I get depressed each and every day. My heart just keeps dropping. I want to just run away or end my life. Nothing is going right. I can't talk to anyone about it because well don't want to hear the spill of everything will be okay. Because in all honestly I just dont feel that everything will be alright. I feel as though I'm losing myself. I can't get a job, school cost to much and now the military won't even accept. WTH am I going to do. I'm so close to the noose I just don't know what to do. I'm only holding on for my mom. I do believe in heaven and hell but at the same time I mean I pray and everything else. And the big man upstairs doesn't answer my prayers then I must take matters into my own hand. Maybe I should take the test or maybe I should work on plan "B" just eliminating myself altogether. No one would ever know I have no friends no one. I'm basically just a blimp on a radar. A broken heart and confused on life. I'm trying not to cry but I know by the end of the day I will be doing a pity party. Oh well I'm just speaking to the air anyways.

2010 not the year for me. I don;t know what to do with myself anymore. I left my BF of 6.5 years which was the hardest decision to make because I loved him so but he just didnt; love me. I lost my job to no action of my account. So now I must deal with being unemployed just the others. Depressing. I'm trying to go to school had to drop one class because well there was no way I was going to pass. And currently I'm on probabtion for getting a C in one of my classes last semester. So I tried my hardest taking this same class over to get an A or B. All this time I've been doing great and then a bump in the road. My final I flunked totally in which I thought I did so well. BTW I hate muliple choice it;s like they set you up to fail.  So my final grade is a C. I'm 2 points away from a B in the class. I have emailed the professer twice today. I'm totally losing it. If I don't get this B out of the class the school will dismiss me totally. Meaning I will have to start all over again at another school. I have 8 more classes to go in order to finish my MBA. If I don't pass I just dont know what I'm going to do to myself. I can't take much more. I seriously can;t. I have the asvab for the military next thurs, if I can;t pass this class why in the heck would I be able to get into the military. I'm so sad and everything else. I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I have come this far and yet be let down.

Well I have been spending my time alone and well trying to do my school work and now work on the asvab test. Why does everything seem so hard for me. So things come with such ease for some people. I feel like I can;t get my school work together. I can't pass a military test. Just nothing. Everytime I get like this i want to be back with him. Why? Well I'm so use to negativity that he brings from the things he has done to me and it just eases the negativity I already have inside of me. I keep looking at these books and I just can;t focus. I want to be movitivated and successful but why can't I get there. I'm starting to feel so low. I have no one to talk to about it because everyone has their own problems. I'm lonely depressed and everything in between. I keep thinking bad things in my head that I want to do to myself. Positive is just not in my face right now. Being unemployed is making it ever worse. Having a job gave me some sort of purpose. What am I going to do? I know some ppl would say stop complaining but everyone deals with things differently.

It is now the second day after packing up all of my things and leaving him. He has tried to contact me numerous of times but I haven;t answered. But why do I still miss him. And I know he is not good for me. I spent 6.5 years with him and he still doesn't know what he did wrong. I wrote him a letter to tell him how badly he hurts and yet he thinks it's only communication. There is so much more. I got so tired of him mistreating me, me crying and his abuse. Though it didn;t happen ever day but once you get so low you just dont know how to come out of it. I'm still crying but it is just day 2 .What am I going to do with myself? I'm going to try starting next week to study for entrance into the military to get my mind off of him. I miss him so much though. Am I wrong for wanting to be in his arms and have him kiss me. I know it's temporary but he is all I know. Stupid I know. I'm so sad.