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Another Day

By beautifuldisaster on Feb 28, 2010 | In beautifuldisaster | 2 feedbacks »

Well tomorrow is March 1. I'm trying today to complete my homework among other things just hard to concentrate sometimes but I know that I must do it. And I will just not right now. I'm so lonely and so unhappy I dont; know what to do. My life is a constant roller coaster. So this is the place in which I can vent. It's funny because so many people think I have it all together, looks, going to get my master's. Yet I feel totally different. For the longest I have wanted to enroll into the military but kept putting it off. I have decided now in 2010 that this is the thing for me to do. I want to go full time. I need to become stronger. As of right now I live in a state where no one knows my name. I keep to myself because of trust issues. I also have a BF that well controls a lot when he is around. He makes me feel so empty. I'm just floating through life with him. I'm so empty. So afraid. I'm losing myself day after day. With no to talk to. I have nightmares. I just want piece of mind. I want to know what it is like to have a man to love me back without giving something in return or being afraid that he will hurt me physically or emotionally. I want to know what that love really is. So tried of crying and crying. I wish I had that one person that I could just go to that made me feel that it will be okay. But I don't. So I am lost.

Comment from: bluebear [Member] Email
I can totally relate to you talking about how from the outside it looks how you've got your life together. People tell me I'm pretty and I'm at university too. But i feel useless even though when I look at my life so far I've achieved in exams etc. I also had a pretty controlling boyfriend and you need to try and get out of it. He'll only drag you down further in the end. I can't give you any advice as I suspect Im as messed up as you but just wanted you to know I feel the same and it's ok to feel like that.
03/04/10 @ 11:34
Comment from: Mrs H [Member] Email
Hey there beautiful! Being lost is one of the worst state of mind's to be in. I've been there... was there for years. I spent a long time with a man, or I should say, BOY, who was wrong for me in every way possible. He too was verbally abusive and even went to so far as to steal from me and make me feel like I wasn't worth being loved properly. I put on weight during that relationship, and he used that to tell me that no one else would want me. I truly understand where you're coming from. All I can tell you about him is that a jerk like that will give you the gift of good-bye if you don't do it before then. But I truly hope you do. Remember that you are a special and unique young woman, and deserve the type of love that he is not giving you right now. I hope you find the strength to know that you are better off without him than with him. When you finally do get away from this man, my advice is to spend some time alone getting to know and love yourself. You will find that you are worth loving, beautiful. Then, and only then, will a man come along who will love you unconditionally and make you feel safe and happy.
03/08/10 @ 09:40

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