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By beautifuldisaster on Mar 18, 2010 | In beautifuldisaster | 2 feedbacks »
Each day I work my first job, then lead myself to another job. I come home and try to finish my school work when I can. I get so exhausted. We will call him Mr. M. We barely spend time together. Dont get me wrong I just dont have the desires any more. I feel so hurt by him. So hurt. Its sad that I just cry and cry. I have bad dreams about him. I do everything in my power to avoid him. He scares me, frightens and just everything. I walk on pins and needles just to make him happy. I feel so very lost and betrayed. I don't know if I will ever get over this. I have a history with him and though I know it's not good I dont want to be lonely. In my mind I know it;s not right the way he has treated me and well does nothing much to keep me even now. So many times I wonder what it;s like to have a man rub your bath and just take time to talk to you. Or we have an us day. Maybe at the park. I want to know what it's like to be in love. And for once for a man to love me back. I'm so tired of pleasing men. So tired. When will they please me? My days are so long and filled with some many things to do. I feel my void by buying clothes, shoes, etc., What ever I can get my hands on to fill my void. It's sickening actually because it only last for a moment. I have no friends. No one to really talk to that I know that cares. Even with him treating me bad I guess it;s something, Wrong I know. I just dont know what direction to go in. I'm hurting so much right now I just want to stay in bed forever. But those bills still need to get paid. :(
2 comments
I'm no expert and I can't give advice on your situation, but I can say that I know how it feels to be living in a drifting existence, which revolves round the mood of your partner. I know how it feels to lose yourself to the point that you don't know what food; movie; leisure activities you like anymore. Things eventually changed for me when I realised I could never control another human being - only my own reactions. I repeated this to myself every day for several years and came to understand that, in turn, I wasn't responsible for the man I was with - his actions. his moods were not mine to fix. The only person I had a responsibility to look after...was myself.
I had to start looking after myself in baby steps, because I wasn't used to doing it. Everything, even taking a bath, seemed indulgent. I had to work really hard to tell myself - 'I deserve this'. And thus gradually I also came to realise that I didn't have much love for myself. And that this was, first and foremost, what I had to learn before I could make any big decisions.
I'm still not totally there yet, but I have the self awareness now to know when I'm beating myself up and need to be gentle with myself.
Be kind to yourself, you're going through a lot right now and your poor mind and spirit are battered and bruised - and take a few baby steps to put yourself first for once, even if it's only buying your favourite ice cream just for you - you do deserve it. x
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