BeautifulDisaster

Well I took the asvab test last week and did not do so well. I got a 39 but need a 50 in order to get my student loan repaid. Ahh woe is me. I feel so totally stupid. It's like my life is crumbling under my feet. Lose a man I love so much becuase he didn't love me back and now cant even get into the military what is wrong with me. Every time I get low like this I miss him even more because well he always tells me what I can't do. And when I can;t do it well it proves him right. I know sad but for some reason I held on to that. He was my pill that did not make me get better but I was addicted to it. So now the recruiter says that I can take the test over. June 1. Each passing moment I just don't know what to do with myself. I get depressed each and every day. My heart just keeps dropping. I want to just run away or end my life. Nothing is going right. I can't talk to anyone about it because well don't want to hear the spill of everything will be okay. Because in all honestly I just dont feel that everything will be alright. I feel as though I'm losing myself. I can't get a job, school cost to much and now the military won't even accept. WTH am I going to do. I'm so close to the noose I just don't know what to do. I'm only holding on for my mom. I do believe in heaven and hell but at the same time I mean I pray and everything else. And the big man upstairs doesn't answer my prayers then I must take matters into my own hand. Maybe I should take the test or maybe I should work on plan "B" just eliminating myself altogether. No one would ever know I have no friends no one. I'm basically just a blimp on a radar. A broken heart and confused on life. I'm trying not to cry but I know by the end of the day I will be doing a pity party. Oh well I'm just speaking to the air anyways.