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it's funny how once you've started a blog you can't seem to find anything to say...

I started being depressed about two or three years ago - there's no definitive date, just a lot of fragmented memories, where different weeks and years blur together endlessly.

I have no future, I am jealous of my past. I have lost all dreams and hopes and desires. My recent conception of achievement has fallen to being able to get out of bed every morning, to go to college. My greatest ambition; to live beyond next year.

So much pain and loss and shame. I look in the mirror and my reflection makes me sick. I seem to stain everything I touch. I infect others with my own afliction.

People keep telling me to talk to them. A problem halved is a problem solved, they say. But telling them things just causes them feelings of pain and guilt, which in turn does the same thing to me.  I do not want to cause the people I love sadness on top of  the burden just my existence already gives to them. I'm also very bad at sharing my feelings. I'm one of those infuriating people who analyse everything they're about to say, judge your reaction and take out the nastier bits before they've even parted their lips. So I've decided to write instead. Open up. Blog therapy.

I am fighting it. Everyday. Sometimes I can stop myself from thinking certain things. I am not going to let this control my life forever. Tomorrow I will do 2 things: something i enjoy & something i find challenging. If anyone is gonna read this, maybe you could join me.

Thanks for reading.

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