So, where to start? Well first I should probably admit this is most likely another self-obsessive excercize; another way for me to wallow in self-pitty and analyze everything. A bit boring I know but its true. I am unfortunately one of those people who spend more time thinking up reasons why there are so many  problems in my life, than actually understanding and focusing on the one thing that may need my attention. Deflection I've heard it being called. Endless to do lists, lists of things to remember, day-to day recordings of my mood, long chats about what I need to do and think about and why. It's all crap really. It doesn't really mean that it's possible. It's easier to make a drama of something than to allow yourself to really feel it. I'm not even sure that makes sense.... My point is that this may be a way to create a spectacle in this world of mine and therefore detach myself from something that, when being even brutally honest, is actually very painful. I hope not however. See that's something that no one can ever really explain to me. How depression, for me anyway, can cause us to be so withdrawn and almost in slow motion compared to the rest of the world, yet there can be racing inside our heads and a selfishness that we don't usually admit to ourselves. It's conflicting. Sometimes I enjoy it, crying, feeling numb, being by myself. I wallow in it. And then there are times where I pray that I could be normal. What is normal however? Well  that's something I'm slowly learning.... doesn't exist. So on that note, I'll stop, as that is a whole new topic for ramblings!