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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

Abandoned

Written by:bewilderness
Published on January 19th, 2012 @ 03:40:48 am , using 163 words, 333 views
Posted in bewilderness

You cut me loose.
You left me out to dry.
Washed your hands of me.
Said goodbye.
And now its all so perfect, so convenient. 
Because you can always say that you left the door open.
Gave me a chance.
Its all such bullshit.
Such crap.
You gotta meet me halfway, you said, or its over. 
But you should know I don't do well with ultimatums
Am paralyzed by deadlines.
And now my head is spinning
While I watch opportunity after opportunity expire. 
Like coupons or credit cards. 
I watch old television shows and write bad poetry
Instead of trying to fabricate a resume out of barely-documentable failures.
I know this latest crisis was your idea, I know it because I remember you suggesting it.
Back before this most recent demonstration of my imcompetence.
I remember how you set the stage. How you shed it in that certain light. 
With so much riding on my performance, how could I not fail?
And somehow
In some sick, sick way
I'm reminded of sixth grade 
It still feels better to cry
Then to do a damn thing about it.

Nervous

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 3rd, 2011 @ 09:27:18 pm , using 63 words, 868 views
Posted in bewilderness

Its funny how they quake and shake
shattering any semblance of humanity.

What I don't understand is how fear and anger are both
the same and not, and what I don't understand
is how you can notice but not react
respond but not notice.
And I don't understand
how to fix what's wrong
without paying attention to it.

Its strange how they jump and jitter
disembodied souls connected
by their very disconnection.

Its Been Months.

Written by:bewilderness
Published on July 29th, 2011 @ 05:53:04 pm , using 272 words, 425 views
Posted in bewilderness

Our relationship is longer than any I have had with therapists before you.
And what have I got to show for it?
A little hope, but not much.
You make me feel like crap, all in the name of
"personal growth."

And for the life of me I can't figure out if you're a sadist or a philanthropist,
pointing out all those things I've tried so hard to ignore.
But for all the money I've paid you so far, and all the money I'll pay you to be there
when I fall...
you'll promise me its worth it.
And how much lower can I go? Is a question I dare not ask.

You scoop me off the ground and tell me to keep on running
toward a future that may not even be worth the effort.
Tick, tock... you mock.
And I hate you and adore you all at once.
You're so much like the one who I once confided in, in those late nights of a teenager's lonely life
and like him, I'd like to punch you in the mouth.

Agression, you say, like a snake in the grass,
like air, its always there.
But I hold my tongue and my fist,
small damage they could do against you.
For the life of me I don't know what to do.

Trust me, you say,
but I've seen so much coldness in this world
disguised and mixed with kindness enough to confuse even the keenest of us.

And I am not that smart. I'm really not,
though I've denied that fact too.
You don't know me, I want to say, through teeth clenched like a steel trap,
but your confidence ensnares me.
And so I'll come in again for
yet another
psychic beating.
All I ask is:
Please have mercy.

Acceptance/Resignation

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 13th, 2011 @ 10:27:36 pm , using 74 words, 427 views
Posted in bewilderness

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
Trying hard to coalesce some meaning out from these fragments of life
Failing that, how about some happiness?
I feel powerless.
Even as I know I'm not. I have a choice. I've made up my mind.
Even as I wish I could choose again.
I cannot walk. How could I possibly fly?
I cradle, arms to knees,
and rocking slowly,
Wait for you to save me.

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
This time for real.

Limits to Infinity

Written by:bewilderness
Published on September 4th, 2011 @ 01:01:51 am , using 120 words, 305 views
Posted in bewilderness

Math always made more sense
d/dx and so forth.
So who would have thought this,
a truth so blaringly smple?
That who I am and why I can't function
is a function of having no limits as a kid
or else being able to push them back into infinity?
I can escalate better than most, until most
throw up their hands in despair
and I'm left to cover the costs.
And when I can't rage openly against their unfair expectations,
I shake with the terror of failure imminent?
Until I too believe that the only way to fix the mess that is my life,
is to leave my body a mess
at the bottom of some endless abyss.
Where time becomes infinte...
what happens to x?
A metaphor taken too far.
But what does that even mean?

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