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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

Abandoned

Written by:bewilderness
Published on January 19th, 2012 @ 03:40:48 am , using 163 words, 340 views
Posted in bewilderness

You cut me loose.
You left me out to dry.
Washed your hands of me.
Said goodbye.
And now its all so perfect, so convenient. 
Because you can always say that you left the door open.
Gave me a chance.
Its all such bullshit.
Such crap.
You gotta meet me halfway, you said, or its over. 
But you should know I don't do well with ultimatums
Am paralyzed by deadlines.
And now my head is spinning
While I watch opportunity after opportunity expire. 
Like coupons or credit cards. 
I watch old television shows and write bad poetry
Instead of trying to fabricate a resume out of barely-documentable failures.
I know this latest crisis was your idea, I know it because I remember you suggesting it.
Back before this most recent demonstration of my imcompetence.
I remember how you set the stage. How you shed it in that certain light. 
With so much riding on my performance, how could I not fail?
And somehow
In some sick, sick way
I'm reminded of sixth grade 
It still feels better to cry
Then to do a damn thing about it.

Moody

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 11th, 2011 @ 04:42:51 pm , using 16 words, 343 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm oscillating
flipping between
shimmering hope and gloomy despair
rage and ecstacy
between overwhelmed and bored
like some wretched light switch

Acceptance/Resignation #2

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 14th, 2011 @ 12:41:55 pm , using 59 words, 388 views
Posted in bewilderness

It sticks beneath the folds of my fat as I slouch in my chair
It makes my head heavy and my shoulders taut
This thing people go such great lengths to hide
Sometimes uncalled for
Other times a matter of incompatible needs
Always painful to bear
My face contorted in a slight grimace
or drooping and
anyway
just like that I've forgotten
how it feels to be
rejected.

I Can't Take It

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 20th, 2011 @ 11:39:56 pm , using 31 words, 340 views
Posted in bewilderness

No more wandering away from my reality
Here it is:
cold, thick, and plain.
Overwhelmingly so.
No more commandeering inspiration
No more tripping through fantasies of competence
Here I am
again.
Sober.
Warm and frightened.
Unimpressive.
insignificant.
No escape.
I can't take it.

For Crisis' Sake

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 8th, 2011 @ 02:51:03 am , using 73 words, 962 views
Posted in bewilderness

No more allusions
No more metaphors
Just straight talk, you
and me.

Its what I want but right away I'm falling into imagery
drowning in despair
suffocating in cliches.

My vision melts.
My eyelids droop.
My breath smells.
And suddenly I'm in over my head.

Its not just a good metaphor,
death.
Its a perfect one. But only a metaphor.

Leapfrogging from one half-remembered theory to another,
I'm trying to deciper my own demise.
I want to change myself and cannot.
I want to die and should not.
Not yet.

 

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