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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

The Dark Thread

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 5th, 2011 @ 11:48:53 pm , using 139 words, 576 views
Posted in bewilderness

There is a dark thread
you said
running through my family
all is not rosy
all is not right
Not everything is as it seems.

But what kind of parenting standard is this
with the need to be constantly
twirling on the edge between the legitimate concern for safety
and the subconscious hatred mascarading as it?

Maybe overprotective is the better word.
Maybe.
But that's not such a crime.

Still you swing me back and forth
through blame and shame
as if somewhere in the middle
was understanding.

Do you think I'm really that self-destructive?
and still think you can push on me forever
and I won't break?

I have my reasons for what I do and they have nothing to do with Mom or Dad.
Or even my dear brother.

You tell me I have this opportunity to turn things around, but it makes no sense
why things have turned out like this.
Dark thread or not.

Cursor

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 24th, 2011 @ 02:43:01 pm , using 132 words, 1167 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm staring at it blinking back
at me...

thinking about my past....

mistakes.
Depression, who me?

Heck no!

...ever since I was about 12 or so
and throwing rocks through windows
in a fit of temper!
can you say es-ca-late?
Anxiety: disorder, oh sweet
first of diagnoses
Doc, I mean, really?
Tell us something we don’t know.

Take two and call me in the morning,
but--
Go to hell, doctor, its not working(not really)(I mean. . . I can't tell.)
So. I'll try my own way, but its not working either
so okay
I’ll swallow your damn pills.

...and its been that way ever since
my first visit to the hospital.

Depression, who me?
Isn't it humbling to not even know
if I'm happy
or not?

I AM NOT DEPRESSED!
(okay maybe  a little)
..

....

..........ookay, maybe alot. God help me, I'm so confused!

Now I crave the numbness of the cursor.
Blinking, blinking

back

at

me.

I Can't Take It

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 20th, 2011 @ 11:39:56 pm , using 31 words, 355 views
Posted in bewilderness

No more wandering away from my reality
Here it is:
cold, thick, and plain.
Overwhelmingly so.
No more commandeering inspiration
No more tripping through fantasies of competence
Here I am
again.
Sober.
Warm and frightened.
Unimpressive.
insignificant.
No escape.
I can't take it.

Moody

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 11th, 2011 @ 04:42:51 pm , using 16 words, 361 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm oscillating
flipping between
shimmering hope and gloomy despair
rage and ecstacy
between overwhelmed and bored
like some wretched light switch

Acceptance/Resignation

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 13th, 2011 @ 10:27:36 pm , using 74 words, 445 views
Posted in bewilderness

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
Trying hard to coalesce some meaning out from these fragments of life
Failing that, how about some happiness?
I feel powerless.
Even as I know I'm not. I have a choice. I've made up my mind.
Even as I wish I could choose again.
I cannot walk. How could I possibly fly?
I cradle, arms to knees,
and rocking slowly,
Wait for you to save me.

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
This time for real.

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