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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

Nervous

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 3rd, 2011 @ 09:27:18 pm , using 63 words, 842 views
Posted in bewilderness

Its funny how they quake and shake
shattering any semblance of humanity.

What I don't understand is how fear and anger are both
the same and not, and what I don't understand
is how you can notice but not react
respond but not notice.
And I don't understand
how to fix what's wrong
without paying attention to it.

Its strange how they jump and jitter
disembodied souls connected
by their very disconnection.

Moody

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 11th, 2011 @ 04:42:51 pm , using 16 words, 315 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm oscillating
flipping between
shimmering hope and gloomy despair
rage and ecstacy
between overwhelmed and bored
like some wretched light switch

The "Good" Split

Written by:bewilderness
Published on September 17th, 2011 @ 04:07:06 am , using 80 words, 287 views
Posted in bewilderness

27 July 2011

Every second I sat
shuddering, there
staring at absolutely nothing, absolutely anything
but your face.
Was a wasted moment of
"our time together."
But it was your fault
Your voice turns me into a rat in your maze
somehow I'm transfixed
I'll do anything
for the smallest crumb of cheese.
Why do I give you this power over me...
and trust you?
The sound of my name in your mouth is hypnotizing.
My heart flinches in its anticipation.
I'm standing on the edge,
strap a parachute on me and push.

 

 

Cursor

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 24th, 2011 @ 02:43:01 pm , using 132 words, 1125 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm staring at it blinking back
at me...

thinking about my past....

mistakes.
Depression, who me?

Heck no!

...ever since I was about 12 or so
and throwing rocks through windows
in a fit of temper!
can you say es-ca-late?
Anxiety: disorder, oh sweet
first of diagnoses
Doc, I mean, really?
Tell us something we don’t know.

Take two and call me in the morning,
but--
Go to hell, doctor, its not working(not really)(I mean. . . I can't tell.)
So. I'll try my own way, but its not working either
so okay
I’ll swallow your damn pills.

...and its been that way ever since
my first visit to the hospital.

Depression, who me?
Isn't it humbling to not even know
if I'm happy
or not?

I AM NOT DEPRESSED!
(okay maybe  a little)
..

....

..........ookay, maybe alot. God help me, I'm so confused!

Now I crave the numbness of the cursor.
Blinking, blinking

back

at

me.

Its Been Months.

Written by:bewilderness
Published on July 29th, 2011 @ 05:53:04 pm , using 272 words, 399 views
Posted in bewilderness

Our relationship is longer than any I have had with therapists before you.
And what have I got to show for it?
A little hope, but not much.
You make me feel like crap, all in the name of
"personal growth."

And for the life of me I can't figure out if you're a sadist or a philanthropist,
pointing out all those things I've tried so hard to ignore.
But for all the money I've paid you so far, and all the money I'll pay you to be there
when I fall...
you'll promise me its worth it.
And how much lower can I go? Is a question I dare not ask.

You scoop me off the ground and tell me to keep on running
toward a future that may not even be worth the effort.
Tick, tock... you mock.
And I hate you and adore you all at once.
You're so much like the one who I once confided in, in those late nights of a teenager's lonely life
and like him, I'd like to punch you in the mouth.

Agression, you say, like a snake in the grass,
like air, its always there.
But I hold my tongue and my fist,
small damage they could do against you.
For the life of me I don't know what to do.

Trust me, you say,
but I've seen so much coldness in this world
disguised and mixed with kindness enough to confuse even the keenest of us.

And I am not that smart. I'm really not,
though I've denied that fact too.
You don't know me, I want to say, through teeth clenched like a steel trap,
but your confidence ensnares me.
And so I'll come in again for
yet another
psychic beating.
All I ask is:
Please have mercy.

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