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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

For Crisis' Sake

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 8th, 2011 @ 02:51:03 am , using 73 words, 886 views
Posted in bewilderness

No more allusions
No more metaphors
Just straight talk, you
and me.

Its what I want but right away I'm falling into imagery
drowning in despair
suffocating in cliches.

My vision melts.
My eyelids droop.
My breath smells.
And suddenly I'm in over my head.

Its not just a good metaphor,
death.
Its a perfect one. But only a metaphor.

Leapfrogging from one half-remembered theory to another,
I'm trying to deciper my own demise.
I want to change myself and cannot.
I want to die and should not.
Not yet.

 

The "Good" Split

Written by:bewilderness
Published on September 17th, 2011 @ 04:07:06 am , using 80 words, 232 views
Posted in bewilderness

27 July 2011

Every second I sat
shuddering, there
staring at absolutely nothing, absolutely anything
but your face.
Was a wasted moment of
"our time together."
But it was your fault
Your voice turns me into a rat in your maze
somehow I'm transfixed
I'll do anything
for the smallest crumb of cheese.
Why do I give you this power over me...
and trust you?
The sound of my name in your mouth is hypnotizing.
My heart flinches in its anticipation.
I'm standing on the edge,
strap a parachute on me and push.

 

 

Cursor

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 24th, 2011 @ 02:43:01 pm , using 132 words, 1084 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm staring at it blinking back
at me...

thinking about my past....

mistakes.
Depression, who me?

Heck no!

...ever since I was about 12 or so
and throwing rocks through windows
in a fit of temper!
can you say es-ca-late?
Anxiety: disorder, oh sweet
first of diagnoses
Doc, I mean, really?
Tell us something we don’t know.

Take two and call me in the morning,
but--
Go to hell, doctor, its not working(not really)(I mean. . . I can't tell.)
So. I'll try my own way, but its not working either
so okay
I’ll swallow your damn pills.

...and its been that way ever since
my first visit to the hospital.

Depression, who me?
Isn't it humbling to not even know
if I'm happy
or not?

I AM NOT DEPRESSED!
(okay maybe  a little)
..

....

..........ookay, maybe alot. God help me, I'm so confused!

Now I crave the numbness of the cursor.
Blinking, blinking

back

at

me.

Moody

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 11th, 2011 @ 04:42:51 pm , using 16 words, 260 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm oscillating
flipping between
shimmering hope and gloomy despair
rage and ecstacy
between overwhelmed and bored
like some wretched light switch

Abandoned

Written by:bewilderness
Published on January 19th, 2012 @ 03:40:48 am , using 163 words, 235 views
Posted in bewilderness

You cut me loose.
You left me out to dry.
Washed your hands of me.
Said goodbye.
And now its all so perfect, so convenient. 
Because you can always say that you left the door open.
Gave me a chance.
Its all such bullshit.
Such crap.
You gotta meet me halfway, you said, or its over. 
But you should know I don't do well with ultimatums
Am paralyzed by deadlines.
And now my head is spinning
While I watch opportunity after opportunity expire. 
Like coupons or credit cards. 
I watch old television shows and write bad poetry
Instead of trying to fabricate a resume out of barely-documentable failures.
I know this latest crisis was your idea, I know it because I remember you suggesting it.
Back before this most recent demonstration of my imcompetence.
I remember how you set the stage. How you shed it in that certain light. 
With so much riding on my performance, how could I not fail?
And somehow
In some sick, sick way
I'm reminded of sixth grade 
It still feels better to cry
Then to do a damn thing about it.

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