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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

Moody

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 11th, 2011 @ 04:42:51 pm , using 16 words, 419 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm oscillating
flipping between
shimmering hope and gloomy despair
rage and ecstacy
between overwhelmed and bored
like some wretched light switch

Limits to Infinity

Written by:bewilderness
Published on September 4th, 2011 @ 01:01:51 am , using 120 words, 387 views
Posted in bewilderness

Math always made more sense
d/dx and so forth.
So who would have thought this,
a truth so blaringly smple?
That who I am and why I can't function
is a function of having no limits as a kid
or else being able to push them back into infinity?
I can escalate better than most, until most
throw up their hands in despair
and I'm left to cover the costs.
And when I can't rage openly against their unfair expectations,
I shake with the terror of failure imminent?
Until I too believe that the only way to fix the mess that is my life,
is to leave my body a mess
at the bottom of some endless abyss.
Where time becomes infinte...
what happens to x?
A metaphor taken too far.
But what does that even mean?

The Dark Thread

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 5th, 2011 @ 11:48:53 pm , using 139 words, 643 views
Posted in bewilderness

There is a dark thread
you said
running through my family
all is not rosy
all is not right
Not everything is as it seems.

But what kind of parenting standard is this
with the need to be constantly
twirling on the edge between the legitimate concern for safety
and the subconscious hatred mascarading as it?

Maybe overprotective is the better word.
Maybe.
But that's not such a crime.

Still you swing me back and forth
through blame and shame
as if somewhere in the middle
was understanding.

Do you think I'm really that self-destructive?
and still think you can push on me forever
and I won't break?

I have my reasons for what I do and they have nothing to do with Mom or Dad.
Or even my dear brother.

You tell me I have this opportunity to turn things around, but it makes no sense
why things have turned out like this.
Dark thread or not.

As Time Goes By

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 29th, 2011 @ 01:00:40 am , using 59 words, 399 views
Posted in bewilderness

Is it bad that suddenly I can't tell
if you're a really good therapist
or just a really mean man?
Is what I feel I need
and what I really need
never
the same?
I trust you but you tell me that there are no easy answers.
And I feel as trapped as when I first came to see you,
as time goes by.

 

 

Its Been Months.

Written by:bewilderness
Published on July 29th, 2011 @ 05:53:04 pm , using 272 words, 501 views
Posted in bewilderness

Our relationship is longer than any I have had with therapists before you.
And what have I got to show for it?
A little hope, but not much.
You make me feel like crap, all in the name of
"personal growth."

And for the life of me I can't figure out if you're a sadist or a philanthropist,
pointing out all those things I've tried so hard to ignore.
But for all the money I've paid you so far, and all the money I'll pay you to be there
when I fall...
you'll promise me its worth it.
And how much lower can I go? Is a question I dare not ask.

You scoop me off the ground and tell me to keep on running
toward a future that may not even be worth the effort.
Tick, tock... you mock.
And I hate you and adore you all at once.
You're so much like the one who I once confided in, in those late nights of a teenager's lonely life
and like him, I'd like to punch you in the mouth.

Agression, you say, like a snake in the grass,
like air, its always there.
But I hold my tongue and my fist,
small damage they could do against you.
For the life of me I don't know what to do.

Trust me, you say,
but I've seen so much coldness in this world
disguised and mixed with kindness enough to confuse even the keenest of us.

And I am not that smart. I'm really not,
though I've denied that fact too.
You don't know me, I want to say, through teeth clenched like a steel trap,
but your confidence ensnares me.
And so I'll come in again for
yet another
psychic beating.
All I ask is:
Please have mercy.

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