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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

The "Good" Split

Written by:bewilderness
Published on September 17th, 2011 @ 04:07:06 am , using 80 words, 280 views
Posted in bewilderness

27 July 2011

Every second I sat
shuddering, there
staring at absolutely nothing, absolutely anything
but your face.
Was a wasted moment of
"our time together."
But it was your fault
Your voice turns me into a rat in your maze
somehow I'm transfixed
I'll do anything
for the smallest crumb of cheese.
Why do I give you this power over me...
and trust you?
The sound of my name in your mouth is hypnotizing.
My heart flinches in its anticipation.
I'm standing on the edge,
strap a parachute on me and push.

 

 

Moody

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 11th, 2011 @ 04:42:51 pm , using 16 words, 303 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm oscillating
flipping between
shimmering hope and gloomy despair
rage and ecstacy
between overwhelmed and bored
like some wretched light switch

Nervous

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 3rd, 2011 @ 09:27:18 pm , using 63 words, 832 views
Posted in bewilderness

Its funny how they quake and shake
shattering any semblance of humanity.

What I don't understand is how fear and anger are both
the same and not, and what I don't understand
is how you can notice but not react
respond but not notice.
And I don't understand
how to fix what's wrong
without paying attention to it.

Its strange how they jump and jitter
disembodied souls connected
by their very disconnection.

I Can't Take It

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 20th, 2011 @ 11:39:56 pm , using 31 words, 309 views
Posted in bewilderness

No more wandering away from my reality
Here it is:
cold, thick, and plain.
Overwhelmingly so.
No more commandeering inspiration
No more tripping through fantasies of competence
Here I am
again.
Sober.
Warm and frightened.
Unimpressive.
insignificant.
No escape.
I can't take it.

You have to give me one thing...

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 2nd, 2011 @ 12:20:22 am , using 106 words, 383 views
Posted in bewilderness

my level of dysfunction is way out of proportion with that of my family system.
...
That's quite an achievement
wouldn't you say?

I have a problem
a secret
promise not to tell?

Its my $80. Can we for once, NOT talk about what a failure I am?
Because its my fault I'm like this. My fault.
And my head is spinning fast.
I'm in deep.

Before you start telling me how to breathe,
consider what its like to have even the most fragile of hopes
dashed against the wall again and again.

Am I defective? Am I unstable? Am I pathetic?
Why can't I remember?

You gotta admit, doc.
This is one mystery for the books.

What is wrong with me?

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