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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

You have to give me one thing...

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 2nd, 2011 @ 12:20:22 am , using 106 words, 364 views
Posted in bewilderness

my level of dysfunction is way out of proportion with that of my family system.
...
That's quite an achievement
wouldn't you say?

I have a problem
a secret
promise not to tell?

Its my $80. Can we for once, NOT talk about what a failure I am?
Because its my fault I'm like this. My fault.
And my head is spinning fast.
I'm in deep.

Before you start telling me how to breathe,
consider what its like to have even the most fragile of hopes
dashed against the wall again and again.

Am I defective? Am I unstable? Am I pathetic?
Why can't I remember?

You gotta admit, doc.
This is one mystery for the books.

What is wrong with me?

Acceptance/Resignation

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 13th, 2011 @ 10:27:36 pm , using 74 words, 382 views
Posted in bewilderness

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
Trying hard to coalesce some meaning out from these fragments of life
Failing that, how about some happiness?
I feel powerless.
Even as I know I'm not. I have a choice. I've made up my mind.
Even as I wish I could choose again.
I cannot walk. How could I possibly fly?
I cradle, arms to knees,
and rocking slowly,
Wait for you to save me.

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
This time for real.

For Crisis' Sake

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 8th, 2011 @ 02:51:03 am , using 73 words, 910 views
Posted in bewilderness

No more allusions
No more metaphors
Just straight talk, you
and me.

Its what I want but right away I'm falling into imagery
drowning in despair
suffocating in cliches.

My vision melts.
My eyelids droop.
My breath smells.
And suddenly I'm in over my head.

Its not just a good metaphor,
death.
Its a perfect one. But only a metaphor.

Leapfrogging from one half-remembered theory to another,
I'm trying to deciper my own demise.
I want to change myself and cannot.
I want to die and should not.
Not yet.

 

Limits to Infinity

Written by:bewilderness
Published on September 4th, 2011 @ 01:01:51 am , using 120 words, 269 views
Posted in bewilderness

Math always made more sense
d/dx and so forth.
So who would have thought this,
a truth so blaringly smple?
That who I am and why I can't function
is a function of having no limits as a kid
or else being able to push them back into infinity?
I can escalate better than most, until most
throw up their hands in despair
and I'm left to cover the costs.
And when I can't rage openly against their unfair expectations,
I shake with the terror of failure imminent?
Until I too believe that the only way to fix the mess that is my life,
is to leave my body a mess
at the bottom of some endless abyss.
Where time becomes infinte...
what happens to x?
A metaphor taken too far.
But what does that even mean?

As Time Goes By

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 29th, 2011 @ 01:00:40 am , using 59 words, 281 views
Posted in bewilderness

Is it bad that suddenly I can't tell
if you're a really good therapist
or just a really mean man?
Is what I feel I need
and what I really need
never
the same?
I trust you but you tell me that there are no easy answers.
And I feel as trapped as when I first came to see you,
as time goes by.

 

 

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