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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

Abandoned

Written by:bewilderness
Published on January 19th, 2012 @ 03:40:48 am , using 163 words, 317 views
Posted in bewilderness

You cut me loose.
You left me out to dry.
Washed your hands of me.
Said goodbye.
And now its all so perfect, so convenient. 
Because you can always say that you left the door open.
Gave me a chance.
Its all such bullshit.
Such crap.
You gotta meet me halfway, you said, or its over. 
But you should know I don't do well with ultimatums
Am paralyzed by deadlines.
And now my head is spinning
While I watch opportunity after opportunity expire. 
Like coupons or credit cards. 
I watch old television shows and write bad poetry
Instead of trying to fabricate a resume out of barely-documentable failures.
I know this latest crisis was your idea, I know it because I remember you suggesting it.
Back before this most recent demonstration of my imcompetence.
I remember how you set the stage. How you shed it in that certain light. 
With so much riding on my performance, how could I not fail?
And somehow
In some sick, sick way
I'm reminded of sixth grade 
It still feels better to cry
Then to do a damn thing about it.

Limits to Infinity

Written by:bewilderness
Published on September 4th, 2011 @ 01:01:51 am , using 120 words, 296 views
Posted in bewilderness

Math always made more sense
d/dx and so forth.
So who would have thought this,
a truth so blaringly smple?
That who I am and why I can't function
is a function of having no limits as a kid
or else being able to push them back into infinity?
I can escalate better than most, until most
throw up their hands in despair
and I'm left to cover the costs.
And when I can't rage openly against their unfair expectations,
I shake with the terror of failure imminent?
Until I too believe that the only way to fix the mess that is my life,
is to leave my body a mess
at the bottom of some endless abyss.
Where time becomes infinte...
what happens to x?
A metaphor taken too far.
But what does that even mean?

Dead limb arms

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 2nd, 2011 @ 11:43:46 pm , using 60 words, 381 views
Posted in bewilderness

No jolt of creativity passes through
Write! He says.
He is you.

A current of understanding tugs at my ankles
Don't fight the tide, he says,
Not the highs nor the lows.

But these dead limb arms
are crossed in defiance.
These two fat worms.

No inspiration takes hold,
I open and close my mouth
To retell what I'm told

I can't live like this, I said,
that is all I know.

Acceptance/Resignation

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 13th, 2011 @ 10:27:36 pm , using 74 words, 417 views
Posted in bewilderness

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
Trying hard to coalesce some meaning out from these fragments of life
Failing that, how about some happiness?
I feel powerless.
Even as I know I'm not. I have a choice. I've made up my mind.
Even as I wish I could choose again.
I cannot walk. How could I possibly fly?
I cradle, arms to knees,
and rocking slowly,
Wait for you to save me.

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
This time for real.

As Time Goes By

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 29th, 2011 @ 01:00:40 am , using 59 words, 304 views
Posted in bewilderness

Is it bad that suddenly I can't tell
if you're a really good therapist
or just a really mean man?
Is what I feel I need
and what I really need
never
the same?
I trust you but you tell me that there are no easy answers.
And I feel as trapped as when I first came to see you,
as time goes by.

 

 

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