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Unspoken thoughts about and to my therapist

You have to give me one thing...

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 2nd, 2011 @ 12:20:22 am , using 106 words, 410 views
Posted in bewilderness

my level of dysfunction is way out of proportion with that of my family system.
...
That's quite an achievement
wouldn't you say?

I have a problem
a secret
promise not to tell?

Its my $80. Can we for once, NOT talk about what a failure I am?
Because its my fault I'm like this. My fault.
And my head is spinning fast.
I'm in deep.

Before you start telling me how to breathe,
consider what its like to have even the most fragile of hopes
dashed against the wall again and again.

Am I defective? Am I unstable? Am I pathetic?
Why can't I remember?

You gotta admit, doc.
This is one mystery for the books.

What is wrong with me?

Abandoned

Written by:bewilderness
Published on January 19th, 2012 @ 03:40:48 am , using 163 words, 329 views
Posted in bewilderness

You cut me loose.
You left me out to dry.
Washed your hands of me.
Said goodbye.
And now its all so perfect, so convenient. 
Because you can always say that you left the door open.
Gave me a chance.
Its all such bullshit.
Such crap.
You gotta meet me halfway, you said, or its over. 
But you should know I don't do well with ultimatums
Am paralyzed by deadlines.
And now my head is spinning
While I watch opportunity after opportunity expire. 
Like coupons or credit cards. 
I watch old television shows and write bad poetry
Instead of trying to fabricate a resume out of barely-documentable failures.
I know this latest crisis was your idea, I know it because I remember you suggesting it.
Back before this most recent demonstration of my imcompetence.
I remember how you set the stage. How you shed it in that certain light. 
With so much riding on my performance, how could I not fail?
And somehow
In some sick, sick way
I'm reminded of sixth grade 
It still feels better to cry
Then to do a damn thing about it.

Acceptance/Resignation

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 13th, 2011 @ 10:27:36 pm , using 74 words, 424 views
Posted in bewilderness

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
Trying hard to coalesce some meaning out from these fragments of life
Failing that, how about some happiness?
I feel powerless.
Even as I know I'm not. I have a choice. I've made up my mind.
Even as I wish I could choose again.
I cannot walk. How could I possibly fly?
I cradle, arms to knees,
and rocking slowly,
Wait for you to save me.

I have no words,
I'm dry.
I'm empty.
This time for real.

Moody

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 11th, 2011 @ 04:42:51 pm , using 16 words, 335 views
Posted in bewilderness

I'm oscillating
flipping between
shimmering hope and gloomy despair
rage and ecstacy
between overwhelmed and bored
like some wretched light switch

I Can't Take It

Written by:bewilderness
Published on August 20th, 2011 @ 11:39:56 pm , using 31 words, 333 views
Posted in bewilderness

No more wandering away from my reality
Here it is:
cold, thick, and plain.
Overwhelmingly so.
No more commandeering inspiration
No more tripping through fantasies of competence
Here I am
again.
Sober.
Warm and frightened.
Unimpressive.
insignificant.
No escape.
I can't take it.

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