Today I feel a little more depressed than the other days. I don't understand why my past keeps coming up. I really would like to forget the things that happened to me, but they just keep popping up. My mind is running a thousand miles a minute and it keeps saying things to me like " you will never make anything of yourself  if you keep making bad choices. You are so stupid to make that decision. What do you think is going to happen if you make that terrible decision?" I just want to know what I did that make people feel like that towards me. I know I am the brightest light in the room, but I am a person and I do deserve some type of good recognition. Even if I do things a little different I still need positive reinforcement and nice words.

When I was a child I was at a babysitters house while my parents worked. I hated going to that house. I kept telling my parents I didn't want to go there because they were mean, but my parents thought it was just me saying that because I missed them. One day my mom seen the bruises on my legs and buttocks and asked me what happened. I told her Penny's daddy beat me. She told him I did something bad and I didn't. He believed her and pulled my panties down and whooped me. From that day forward I never went back to that house.  I told my mom and dad also the would lock me in the basement with no food or water while they ate. I was really scared.

Why are these things coming up this late in my life? Everything that happened bad in my life is re-living in my mind. It feels like it was yesterday. Things happened all the way up until I was 18 years old when I got raped by a guy who I thought was my friend. I put up that wall and was in fear of most guys until I met my now husband at the age of 19. I learned fast of the worldly ways through him and got very strong headed and wouldn't let anyone get over on me. I have fought for most of my married life to have a peaceful and joyous life, but it fell a little short.

All I want is to be happy and even. I want to be financially stable and not have to worry where  my next meal is coming from. I want to be able to have the things I need and be able to go to the store and buy it if I don't have it. Is that too much to ask for?

Today has been a bad day for me. I woke up with my tooth hurting me so I didn't go to church. That is very disturbing. I feel that church helps me with finding inner peace. I try to live the christian way ( being a souldier for Jesus) and attend every Sunday. I also volunteer a lot.

But today was turning out bad. I also am sad because we are losing our income source next week with no future plans in store. I had an anxiety attack because our normal life is turning into a chaiotic life. I am trying to look on the bright side, but for me the bright side hasn't come yet to look over.

While I have been in treatment for my illness I am learning to cope with thinking positive, but it is breaking down fast. I am confused and irritated. I want to fix it and I can't. I feel like my life is going to hell in a handbasket.

I am however looking forward to my future minication to Florida. I keep holding onto that