When i started Dating zack, he became my reason for wanting to live. He gave me the chance at a happy future, or so i thought. People tell me that maybe i should just leave him, but living without him hurts even more than being with him. So in a way, i guess he makes me 'happier'. Yesterday we had a talk about the way i look. He told me he thinks i'm the prettiest girl he knows. I doubt that very much. He also says he doesn't "check out" girls. He just "looks" at them. Doesn't that sound like a pathetic excuse? Then i got mad because he said this girl has a nice butt, and then he made it worse by saying some days it looks better than others. I guess he must be looking at her butt a lot. He said she just walks in front of him everyday so he can't help but look. Know what i have to say to that? BULLSHIT. He also aid something about her boobs, so obviously he's checking her out. It doesn't matter that he said she doesn't have a nice face. It doesn't matter that i know he doesn't have a thing for her. This is one of those situations where they say something like He peed on me and called it rain. Also he says he doesn't like big boobs but the only time he acts like my boobs are something to look as is when i purposely make them look bigger than they are. It makes me feel awful to constantly be proven right. He keeps fighting me and refusing to admit the truth. I know i'm nothing that spectacular to look at, he knows i'm insecure. He knows him checking out other girls bothers me. And the last way he proved my point was by trying to turn it around on me saying i look at other guys. I don't. That's why i dont understand how it's so hard for him to not look at other girls. I know him turning it around on me is because he's trying to make it seem less bad because he does it. It hurts. I don't know if i can continue this relationship that causes this kind of hurting. I just don't know.

There are a lot of things that hurt in life, but when you screw up a girl from the inside out the first string you pull is her self esteem because then she just comes crumbling down. I dont watch many movies with my boyfriend because when a hot girl comes on i know what he's thinking. I'd tap that ass, i'd fuck her, etc... I dont know about most girls but when i see a good looking guy on TV i don't think things like that. Matter of fact i'd probably be more distracted by the fact that the person i love is sitting right next to me. And when i catch my boyfriend checking out another girl's butt (though i haven't caught him in a long time, he has learned some respect) it tears me up. I can't say that my boyfriend hasn't changed, but i think a relationship has to be based off something, and that something is the beginning. The Beginning for us really fucked me up so bad. Let me ask you, If you went to a dodgeball game to watch your boyfriend play in it at the school, and the entire school and all your friends were sitting in the stands watching as he walked backwards to check out two girl's asses in the middle of the full gym, how would you feel? Or watching him leave a room and lean back in to watch a girl walk away... Yeah. It makes me want to DIE. Literally it makes me want to put a gun to my head and kill myself. That's how those memories make me feel. Our relationship began under conditions like these and i'll never be the same. I'll NEVER be okay. I'll always remember those feelings and i can't let them go. That's not even half of it. That's just ten minutes of one night. I've been with this guy for almost two years. Can you imagine all the hurt that's built up inside for two years? I wouldn't be surprised if i kill myself by my next birthday. That's 334 days away.

I'm in school, i went into the bathroom and i cut my stomach even more. I even told my boyfriend how i cut my stomach yesterday but he said he kind of already guessed i had. He always says i should talk to someone and get help. He thinks i can change. I'm not so sure. It's not just the cutting, my problems have never been skin deep and my real wounds aren't the ones you can see on my stomach. They are far more rooted into me than that. Yesterday Him and i (my boyfriend, that is) were talking about my self image issues. I shouldn't have gotten as upset as i did when he said he'd seen people prettier than me, but you know that's a low blow to a girl who hates herself and has razors in her hands. I already know that there will always be someone prettier than me, that i'll always be second best at most. I'll never be anything but second best, that's what i've told myself since Ronnie left me. And it's the truth, no matter how hard i try i'm running in circles because i will never be good enough for myself. I have to be the best, i have to be perfect, anything less isn't good enough for me. That might sound dumb and unrealistic, but is it really that unrealistic? I could be perfect, i could get plastic surgery, i could buy nice clothes and shoes, get those super white caps put on my teeth, fake tan, and i'm already pretty skinny thanks to my eating disorders. I could be perfect if i really want to be. Some people are content with themselves. I'm NOT one of those people. I'm NEVER going to be one of those people. I don't expect to amount to much in my life, but at the very least i want to be pretty. I want that to be the one thing that no one can take away from me. If i'm pretty, nothing else matters. And i'm not obsessed with it, if that's what you're thinking. I'm just extremely motivated. Maybe i'm crazy, but this is how i really feel and no matter what i do i can't seem to feel what everyone else says i should feel. Also, the only person i really talk to about it is my boyfriend because i have no friends. Some people say that because they are depressed and self pitying themselves, i'm not one of them. I literally have one friend and his name is Elijah and he's my friend because he is an amazing guy with the biggest heart you could find in a person. I'm probably a smidgen bit in love with him, but that's probably just because he's such an amazing guy that any girl could fall for him. I talk to him about a lot of things too, he knows me as well if not better than zack. He might really know me better. He says i'm hot and all, and that i'm sweet and loving yada yada. But Why should i even be nice if people are going to act like i dont exist no matter what i do. I minds well be a bitch, then at least they'd talk to me to tell me how much they hate me. I might really try that. Hey, all the famous people say "Haters made me famous" so let the hate begin by burning down the wallflower.

It's back full force, i don't know how to keep fighting it. Some days are better than others but everyday i fight the same urge to cut and keep cutting. My stomach is covered in cuts now because last night i couldn't fight that urge. Todayi'm still fighting the urge. I want to go into he bathroom and just lose myself in it. And i know i could because i have before. The people next to me are probably looking over now and then thinking i'm a freak for being on a site like this, but i dont care. What can they say? That i'm weird and crazy? No one really talks to me anyways why should i care what they think of me anymore? I'm surrounded by strangers i'm supposed to call friends. I can't fake it. My boyfriend zack is getting help now, he's going to rehab for drugs. Look at me. I'm going nowhere. I'm just dying slowly.

Recent events summarized, I found out in January that I was pregnant. Zack and I were scared, but we were going to stay together and keep it. We were both clean of drugs (as far as I know), and I obviously quit smoking cigarettes. Things were okay, Zack was looking for a job and I was coming up with different plans for our future. Things were pretty stressful at both our homes; our families took it pretty hard. Our dad’s took it the worst. My mom tried to convince me to get an abortion and I left the house for the day. In February I had an ultrasound scheduled on Valentine’s Day and Zack came with me. The lady was really silent the whole time and I was confused. I got a call from my doctor about an hour later saying that they couldn’t find a heartbeat and that they believed it was possible I had miscarried. Two days later I started bleeding, so I knew it was true. The night before Zack had spent the night at the same friend’s house who he had ditched me to go to CT with before and on the phone they were joking about going to double vision (a strip club) which even as a joke I took bad with all the stress. That morning I don’t think I could get a hold of him and I was a wreck and when I did I just broke down. We ended up meeting and spending the day together, I smoked cigarettes and pot and tried to just let myself slip away a little. Things were rough after that. A week later I was spending the night at my friend’s house and I woke up in pain. I called my mom and she picked me up and I laid in bed at home. The pain got so much worse, and I found out later that I was in mini labor and then I gave birth to the dead tissue that would have been the baby. I had felt something weird when I walked to the bathroom and it just fell out of me, down my pj bottoms, onto the floor. I think I went into shock for the next few hours because they were just a blur. I went to the hospital and they did a bunch of painful things and at the end of all those painful things all they could say was “we believed you had a miscarriage”. After all the pain of that morning, the hospital was just terrible. It felt like they were torturing me for no reason. I felt like I was just being punished, I just didn’t know why. Things continued to go downhill after that. Zack and I started using again, and we fought a lot. I just couldn’t stop being sad all the time. I still cry all the time about it. Sometimes I just feel numb and I find myself wandering the halls at school, not really thinking or doing anything. Just walking. Then the thoughts will pour in and the sadness and misery take over. I didn’t want things to continue this way, I needed things to change. I kept trying to kill myself, I started cutting once again with razors, I haven’t been eating like anything so I lost 15 Ibs already, and when I do eat I go throw it up. That’s how it has been. I’d just get high all the time and live in misery. Zack wouldn’t stop me, I knew he wouldn’t. As much as he loved me, he loved drugs just as much. Sometimes I think maybe more. He’d never admit it though, not to me or himself. I ended up breaking up with him, I needed it all to stop and he wasn’t making me happy anymore. I couldn’t trust him, i knew if he wanted to keep a secret from me he could. He is a compulsive liar, and I can’t stand being lied to all the time. It’s gotten to the point where there is just no trust left at all between us. I have hope, but that’s not the same thing. And alongside that hope is almost endless doubt. We wrote reflections for health class about different things and I proof read his for him and he talked about being addicted to cocaine but he told me he only did it once long ago. I questioned him about it, because either he was lying to me or the teacher and I knew either way he was lying to someone. He always lies. Turns out he was lying to me, when we broke up he did coke. Who knows how many times, hopefully only once. Maybe he did it more times, maybe he did it while we were dating. Who knows? I don’t know because I don’t know what to believe anymore. He is going to NA and out patient rehab now, I hope that will be enough. I hope he gets better. Either way my trust will always be demolished. There’s just none left. I don’t really know how to feel. I have so much on my plate right now, it’s overwhelming. I feel like it’s going to just explode inside of me soon, and when It does I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know what he’s capable of anymore, and I don’t know what I’m capable of either. I wonder if he realizes what’s going on inside me? I wonder if he really loves me, and lastly I wonder if I’ll ever be able to love myself. One day I hope I’m worth the truth. I’ve never been worth the truth to anyone.