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Love is an Untamable Force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to Imprision it, it Enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us Lost and Confused

My Fragile Happiness

Written by:blackodahlia
Published on November 1st, 2016 @ 01:03:35 pm , using 608 words, 669 views
Posted in blackodahlia
When I started this blog years ago I was at a very low point, then every time I would think things were starting to get better they would get much worse. I've written about cutting and other forms of self harm, I've written about all kinds of abuse, I've written about eating disorders and self hate, and I've written about wanting to die. I still avoid going down the aisle at the store with the kitchen knives. If I look at them too long I think about cutting because it was my comfort for so long. Throughout the history of my posts there was little change, it was one bad thing after another. Towards the end it was mostly pain from my ex-boyfriend. That EX is a big change.

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Imploding.

Written by:blackodahlia
Published on February 26th, 2016 @ 10:34:40 pm , using 306 words, 702 views
Posted in blackodahlia
I wont cut myself anymore because I cant. I have a child and I'd never hurt myself and risk losing her because someone thinks I must be crazy and unstable. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. Especially when I substitute it with other smaller ways of self injury. Sometimes I think about beating myself. I hate myself. People always give me crap when I use the word Hate, saying it's a "strong word" and I should use dislike instead. I don't dislike myself, I HATE myself. I didn't want to be alive right now, I didn't want to have a family and try this hard to survive. I wanted to be reckless, to throw myself onto ever and any bad decision I could to hurt myself until I died! I don't know how to love myself, and even if I could try it feels like being skinny and beautiful is a requirement for loving myself with my body issues on top of the depression. And THEN on top of that it feels like I'm conceited and egotistical to love myself thanks to my anxiety. I just can't win. I do little things. Bite my lips, pick at my lips, bite the skin around my fingers, but mostly I just think about the things I'd rather be doing. I remember how much better it made me feel. The same with my eating disorder. It's true what they say, Nothing tastes as good as Skinny feels. I miss it all. It feels like I'm lost without it all. It wasn't just a phase it was all of me. It feels like it defined me it owned my soul. I'm worthless. It was better to be skinny with cuts and Happy than to be this chunky scabby lipped miserable person I've become instead. Is this better?

ED Struggles

Written by:blackodahlia
Published on February 6th, 2016 @ 03:08:43 pm , using 352 words, 214 views
Posted in blackodahlia
Today I felt pretty low and defeated. When I look at other people who are overweight I think, wasn't there some point at which they thought "Hey I've gained a lot of weight maybe I should do something before it gets worse" they could be trying to squeeze into a pair of pants that used to fit, trying on a dress that wont zipper up, or staring at the scale under their feet. For me that moment was yesterday when my mom said "Is that a baby bump?" So here I am knowing I've gained too much weight and need to do something about it before it gets any worse. Before it becomes "Mom Bod" or "You used to be a twig" or some other terrible things people say when you've always been skinny and you gain a couple pounds. When you've always been skinny people notice a couple pounds. Also, when some clothes stop fitting it can be depressing and a struggle to do something simple like get dressed. Especially when most of your wardrobe consists of an Anorexic/Bulimic high schooler's clothes. 92lbs. I was 3lbs under my goal weight before I had my daughter. 5'0 95lbs is the perfect mix. It's so hard to lose weight in a healthy way after years and years of eating disorders. It's hard not to fall right back into it knowing how easy it is, how effective it is, and how addicting it becomes as a ritual of sorts. I don't want to and I haven't, but it weighs on my mind a lot in times like this. Of course since it was my mother who predicted it, there is at least a 5% chance she's right and I'm just pregnant. She knows those things. Some moms just know things like that, and she's one of them. Fingers crossed I'm just a little chubby and need to lose weight. I don't know how to even feel good right now about my body. I just feel so ugly and useless. Having Anxiety. I hope I get through this in one healthy piece that isn't starving or purging.

lonely

Written by:blackodahlia
Published on January 28th, 2016 @ 11:05:21 pm , using 1087 words, 168 views
Posted in blackodahlia
I thought the days of feeling alone even when people who love me are around were over. I feel sad and lonely. I feel more invisible with each day that passes. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. Its been a long time since I felt this depressed. I've had small spurts of sadness but lately I'm just plummeting head first into it. I feel like my boyfriend doesn't really like me as a person, or maybe just isn't attracted to me like he used to be. I'm not as in shape as I used to be, I have a little belly where it used to be flat. Its little things like the way we have sex that make me feel like this. When it feels like he isn't into me, as though it's just a means to an end. No passion. I want to get back into shape and feel wanted again. He also doesn't really seem to want to spend any time together. We'll be next to each other and it'll feel like we're miles apart. We hardly talk at all. We used to have so much to say to each other and now there's just nothing left. Most of the time he plays a video game, which is a shame because he could be playing with his daughter instead. I think he's a better dad than most, but now I'm not so sure anymore. He hardly has the time of day for her. Even if he didn't spend time with me I wouldn't fault him if he was at least spending time with her. Even when he agrees to watch her he just sits on the couch and does something else or goes into another room and leaves her alone. Today I took a shower. I don't get to take showers much since I have to watch our daughter most of the day and find time to clean or cook or give myself a break and nap. Then he comes home takes a shower takes a nap and watches tv. I don't like to take showers with him watching her because he doesn't do a good job, but today I needed it. I waited as long as I could three or four days and I had a rough day/week I needed a shower. a long hot wonderful shower, a tiny smidgen bit of alone time. I came out and our daughter had gotten into her wipes and was playing with the part of her potty seat that she pees in... while her father was on the computer not three feet away. He's stressed, he pays the bills alone (Not my fault, I had a job that he forced me to quit so he could work a second job instead that he messed up by buying drugs there and secretly doing them) and he isn't making enough money. But that is no excuse because even when we were doing great it was the same. He always says he'll change things about himself that suck, like lying abusing drugs driving recklessly not spending enough time with his child not taking the garbage out not helping around the house when I get overwhelmed, etc... Part of me thinks he should just go find a girl who doesn't care if he lies or does drugs or drives like an asshole or isn't playing with his child or if he's a slob. He shouldn't have to change for me, but if he wants to change for himself like he says he does then I expect him to and it never actually happens. Sometimes I think he's changed but I always find out one way or another that he really hasn't. I'm tired and lonely and depressed. I have anxiety. It isn't too bad, but it can be. When I discover a lie and my world starts to crash I shake really really really badly. I have literally forced myself into memory problems, by wanting to forget the past. I have a really hard time remembering things because there are things I want to forget so bad I have to live like the past never happened at all. It was the only way to keep going on for me, but I cant even hold on to the good memories now it all fades away. I get anxiety when I try to remember things, even simple things like a trip to visit family two weeks ago. My boyfriend thinks I'm dramatic but I'm really just fucked up inside. He forgets too, he forgets I was anorexic and bulimic for about 7-8 years and that I was so depressed with low self esteem I was constantly being self destructive hurting myself in lots of ways. cutting mostly, but also burning, choking, erasing, abusing drugs, dangerous sexual relations, and putting myself into dangerous situations in general. I'm not doing those things now, but I'm still dealing with certain self destructive urges and feeling of worthlessness. He doesn't tell me how he feels about anything. He used to be pretty open about his feelings, if he was upset, angry, afraid, whatever. He started working with older guys and doesn't really act like he has feeling anymore. He also has gotten more sexist about women. All of this has me stressed out. I don't know what to do. There's no point talking to him about it, half the time he's only pretending to be listening and if he doesn't like the topic of conversation he wont say anything in response. I didn't realize how awful this relationship has gotten until I started writing this. There are so many things that bother me. I don't like that when we go out with friends I become an extra wheel rather than his girlfriend. He'll speak over me, interrupt me, leave me behind, if our daughter is with us I'm the one watching her while he goes off and does whatever, and he makes me feel like crap. I'm so much happier going out without him there. People like me when he isn't around to dim my shine and take over. Everything he does makes me feel like he doesn't love me, so why does he say he loves me? I really just don't understand why he wants to be with me at all. Maybe it's all in my head because I have low self esteem, but it really feels this way to me. It feels like he hates me but says he loves me. That's why I'm so lonely.

Life Beyond the Scars

Written by:blackodahlia
Published on January 8th, 2016 @ 01:05:02 am , using 639 words, 372 views
Posted in blackodahlia
Cutting has been on my mind a lot lately. It's always there in the back of my mind itching to come into the spotlight again. Literally, Itching. My anxiety gives me itchy rashes sometimes. I can't tell if I'm less depressed or still the same I was before. I'm a mom, so I sleep a lot but sometimes I feel like I just want to stay in bed because I'm too depressed to get up and live life. I don't really have much of a life, just mom life. Stay at home mom life. Boooooooring. Dull. and kinda lonely at the age of 22. Plus since I was breastfeeding I had to actually eat properly after being pregnant too (I was anorexic/Bulimic pre-pregnancy) I'm getting a little chunky around the belly, thighs, and arms. Those are the worst places for the fatness to go. Especially on a short person. Being a full time parent has been a great way to work through my depression and issues by being too busy to have time for them at all, but now she's getting older. She takes naps and gives me time to think, dwell, and feel alone. Things have been shaky between me and my boyfriend, which is a silly thing to call someone you've been together with almost 6 years by the way. My highly possible life partner? The mate to my soul. The person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Boyfriend doesn't do that justice. But that's besides the point. Things have been snowballing. The urge to cut is there, it's there every time I use something sharp. Especially razors though, they were my favorite. The skin cut so easily and was practically painless at first. Plus they were easy to get and conceal from others. I miss the lines, the blood, the pain, the eventual numbness 20-30 cuts later, the way they felt after when id run my fingertips over the raised skin, it all drives me insane. I've smoked pot, popped pills, snorted speed balls and heroin, but I've only ever been addicted to cutting. Everything else is easy not to do, but cutting makes me feel good in a way nothing else can. I don't know about you, but for me even going into detail about my routine makes me crave it. I think to myself, just one little slice across the ankle where no one would see and if they did they'd pay no mind. One little cut to get me through as though I'm an addict doing a quick bump to get by. Its been almost a year since I cut last. I cant even remember why I did it last, but I remember getting the razor and doing it. Even seeing my scars makes me want to. Especially now when it's cold outside and I know there's no chance of anyone seeing me in a Bikini any time soon. I miss the ache on my thighs when my jeans would rub against them all the way down to my ankles. I used to cut a lot. Sometimes 100's of cuts all in one day, all over my legs and stomach towards the end. People expected me to cut my arms, so I knew that was out of the question. It was easier to hide the legs. Still, here I am not doing it. Maybe I'll never do it again. But I want to do it again. I think I'm always going to want to do it, even if I never choose to act upon the feeling. Lately it has been on my mind a lot. I think I'm becoming more depressed again. I don't know if there is a way for me to get passed it to where I never consider it again. I think it's something I'll always be attached to.

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