So much darkness around me. Lately I've been thinking a lot about death and how I would welcome it with open arms. I have nothing to look forward to tomorrow. If tomorrow never comes I will finally be in peace.

Here I am spending another day in bed because the world is too hard to face. I do this often, there just seems to be no reason to get out of bed. I would like to share with you why I suffer so deeply from depression and hopefully someone out there will understand what I an going through. My husband and I had been married for 26 years when we took a trip to Mexico. We had gone to visit a small child that had lived with us for 5 weeks. No matter how much we pleated with Social Service that would not allow us to keep him, due to the fact he had family in Mexico. Three months after the childs return to Mexico my husband and I made that deadly trip. We left on a Thursday morning and arrived late that night in Mexico. The next morning we awoke early as we always did and had coffee. My husband complained of a headache. We went back to sleep and an hour later I was awoken by an awful moaning sound. My husband wasn't in the bed so I got up and went to the bathroom. There he lay on the floor and the moaning sounds was his body shutting down. He had died. The worst phone call I ever had to make was to one of my sisters asking her to get my two children and take care of them until I could return the the states. Our children were grown, my son was about to get married and my daughter was entering her second year of college. Needless to say I couldn't get home to them soon enough. He had died on a Friday morning and I couldn't get a flight out until Sunday. I miss this man so very much it is destroying what little bit of life I have left. Every day I wonder why him?? He had so much to live for. He wasn't here to see his son get married, to see his daughter graduate from college, or the birth of his first grandchild. All of these things he had been looking forward to so much. I look at my son somedays and have to turn away becaue he looks so much like his father. It has been easier for my daughter because she moved away and doesn't have to deal with the memories that's left behind at home. No matter how many coats of paint you put on walls it doesnt' cover the memories of the past and make it go away. I welcome any feedback from others going through a situation like this. Thanks to all for reading my story.

Each day here on earth seems like a waste of space for me. I feel useless, helpless, and of no use to anyone. Most of my days are spent wondering if I will every fully live again. I don't really live I'm just exticting in a world I not longer want to be in. The thought of dying doesn't scare me, but the thought of living for many more years does. I never understood depression until it happened to me. It isn't something you can shake off easily. Maybe if I had not loved my husband so much it wouldn't hurt so bad. Does it ever end?

The past week has been like living in a deep dark hole with no way out. I walk around this empty house so very lonely. Some days I don't even get out of bed. The days and nights just run together. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Friends and family can't understand the sorrow and depression I live with daily. They have never buried the love of their life and I pray they never have to. It has been nine years since I buried my husband who was also my best friend. Each year that passes seems to worse than the year before. Trying to stay strong for my children and grandchildren is very hard. I continue to look for peace daily.