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I've just got home from uni so at the minute I'm feeling o.k. It's always like that when you first spend time somewhere you haven't been in a while, which is why I'm confused by the fact that we are all creatures of habit but always want something more than what we have.

I am such a lucky person. I know that really, but I also know that I'm not satisfied. If only I had a nice guy, looked better, had more clothes, more money, more drugs...just more. But somewhere inside me I've realised that these things won't make me happy, so I suppose that's a first step before I can actually stop wanting them.

My life is just plain weird at the moment. I feel like I'm almost two people, doing the same things, but one is behind. I hate trying to explain this because it makes me sound totally nuts. But I do feel like I do things and then catch up with them later on the day. It's like I'm not quite with anyone until I'm walking away from them, and only then I can think about it. Or breathe properly.

Me and my brother have just been chatting about life at school. He was very popular. I've never really told him about the times when I've eaten lunch in the toilets because I've felt so lonely. Not bullied, just alone and scared of rejection. He can't understand why some people find it hard to talk to someone they don't know, but it's so hard to put yourself out there when your crippled by the thought that everyone you meet will think your an idiot.

I got with this lad the other day, well I say lad but he's 10 years older. It was really nice, we've met a few times before -  friend of a friend - but we talked around so many subjects at the weekend. Now though, I don't know what's going to happen.  It was random how he ended up staying, and then more random when we spent the whole weekend together. I suppose I'm just nervous about the unknown and unexpected but I'm going to try and just focus on the fact Ihad a good time and not question it too much.

Thanks to everyone who's commented. You have made me think again.

Embarrassing

Sorry if the title of this blog has got anyone thinking I'm going to be talking about something cringe worthingly funny, but it's actually more about how I'm embarrassed by my personality. I know that's a really strange thing to say, but over the last couple of days I've been far more aware of how I act, rather than constantly obsessing about my mood.

I am a horrible person. Well, horrible isn't the right word but maybe bad. I care a lot about my friends and would do anything to help them, but I get so easily irritated by people that it makes me sick. I can't stop shaking and thinking about how irritated I am. And I really don't want t be. I can't seem to control how I feel.

This has all come to me because I've been falling out with the group I'm designing a magazine with. And I can totally understand why. I just don't think pretty much anything anyone else does is as good as what I do. And that is horrible, so maybe I am horrible. I don't know anymore.

It's like today, I got so irritated because we got a leak in our house and one of my housemates said he had noticed the leak when we first moved in and hadn't done anything about it. But it's not helping me being irritated about that so why cant I stop myself being angry at him?

I got irritated by some of my friends walking slowly. Just walking slowly. Why did that irritate me so much? Well as far as I could figure it out it was because I feel like I need to be rushing around the whole time so why should other people be allowed to walk slowly. Which I know is rediculous! So why can I not stop feeling like that?

 

 

Self-help

So I've never been a big fan of self-help books, or the people that use them. But I've realised more than that I need to be positive for positive things to happen over the last couple of days. My big turning point at the minute seems to be the realisation that the way I feel is my responsibility, it's not down to the obstacles or other people in my life. I have to work hard at changing my mood or it's never going to get better...and if there is one thing I've said often to people it's that I want things to get better.

Now, here I am, reading a guide to improving your happiness. And the strangest thing is that it's really compelling reading. Maybe it just helps having it down in writing all the things that you know deep down, because I've always believed that you already know what you should do or be doing when you ask for advice. But the main thing is, I suppose, that I am reading it and I'm learning that although I do have a much lower 'happiness' score than the average adult that I can change at least part of my mood.

That's all for now!

Stomach churning

I'm still feeling quite positive, although I've got a few important tasks coming up that are making me worry and doubt my own ability. I need to ring the government and a few other agencies to try and get backing for a magazine I and a few others are starting up - and its a really nerve wracking thought! So much work has gone in to it already and I know there is soooo much more to do that its quite frightening me that I'll fail. My stomach is literally churning with the thought of making these calls, which I know is stupid because they can't hurt me, but I guess I'm afraid of making a fool out of myself.

Yesterday was really fun. Shopping went well and I bought some bright clothes that didn't completely swamp me, in particular this amazing fluffy bright pink cardigan, that just makes me feel cheerful when I wear it! It was great to have the chance to catch up with one of my best mates and talking to her always helps put things in perspective. She was celebrating her 1 year anniversary last night and she just helped me see that I need to put my trust in others again, that not every guy out there is just waiting for the chance to break my heart and you need to be positive to have positive things happen to you.

So, no more wallowing in bed for me...hopefully.

 

The fear isn't here today.

I had a really nice time last night watching movies with some of my housemates and I finally felt like I'd regained a bit of enthusiasm for my hobbies. It's just a bit worrying that my mood can change so drastically from one day to the next but I'm going to enjoy the good mood as much as I can and try and keep it!

I'm going shopping with my best girl in a little while to pick up a dress for her 1 year anniversary so that will keep me busy today and later I'm going to watch UP at the university cinema so I have really high hopes for today (apart from the fact I'm a teeny bit hungover).

Today I've also decided to update my look. I realised that if I have very little confidence in how I look then it won't help dressing in trackies, with no makeup etc. And not because it's bad to wear trackies and no makeup but because they don't make me feel as confident as a good pair of heels and a nice dress :) So far it feels like trying to make the best of myself definately increases my confidence so I'm going to try and keep this up, especially on the days when I do feel so down that I don't want to even brush my hair!

Time to make some positive changes and I have two so far:

1) KEEP BUSY

2) LOOK AFTER MYSELF

If you can think of anything else that will keep my mood stable then I'd really appreciate it! Thanks.

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