I'm suffocating from your lies, your hate.

Buried alive by fate

For me it's too late

Dont try to save me

Dont try to set me free

I'm Buried Alive

All this time your promises were empty

You cant even show me sympathy?

You tied the noose around me

Now set me free

I'm Buried Alive

You curse my name

I am not the one to blame

You are so lame

Are you happy now? You got your fame

You Win!

I'm Buried Alive

You took everything I ever loved from me

Why? So you could be free?

Just go! Leave me be. Stop!!!

I'm Buried Alive

I'm slowly choking, losing air.

You dont even care

You just stand there and stare

I'm Buried Alive

I'm now in death's Icy cold clutch

I can feel it's touch

Breathing down my neck

I'm Buried Alive

I want to be saved, Someone help me

I want to be free.

You put me through so much misery

And yet you are still too blind to see

What you done to me

I'm Buried Alive

You act so cool, so happy

And yet I'm buried in this Coffin, Feeling crappy.

I'm Buried Alive

You hate me

You rate me

You asphyxiated me

I'm Choking

I'm Buried Alive

Where is God? I need him.

Forgive me God of my Sin

I have no feelings in my skin

I'm so cold

I'm Buried Alive

I wont give up the fight

I fear this is my last night

I see....Light.

I'm No Longer Buried Alive

Someone set me free

Its the happier version of me

The person I long to be

I'm Saved, At last.

I will not cry over you

If only you knew, or even care

I'm free of you, No longer there

Life is not fair, I know this.

I no longer miss you, I miss who you pretended to be.

So end your pitiful strife

Give me back my life

Take the knife from my back

I'm No Longer Buried Alive

I'm Free!!!

One day you will see

One day

You will pay

So watch what you say

Things have a funny way of turning around

I want my Life back.

 

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This is the first poem I ever posted on a website. I normally write poetry when I feel down or upset or I have alot on my mind. Each poem I write, Tell's a story about my life, my struggles, my pain, how i felt when I wrote it. I always said "If a reader cant feel your pain as they read it, You didnt do it right."

 

You get a kick from my pain

You say I'm the crazy one

Look what you done

So foolishly, So wrecklessly

You run from the tears

I spent a Year

Crying, Dying inside

You spent a Year

Lying, Disgusing your shame

Your all just the same

You play your games

No one is to blame, But you.

You took the knife and plunged it in my heart

You tore me apart

Piece by Piece

So quickly you turned on me

I'll never be free, Free of you.

And you'll never see

How much you hurt me

You act like you dont care

I think life is not fair.

I got handed the cruel blow of fate

While you carry on with hate

Your so cruel towards me, So hateful

I guess I should be grateful

You showed me your true color's

Nothing is harder

Than waking up alone

Time keep's passing by

But it feel's I'm frozen still

Scar's are left behind

But some too deep to feel

This cant be real

I wish I could heal

I'll try not to cry

I'll try not to wonder why

I will forget the first time you said "Hi"

Then the cruel way you said "Goodbye"

I wont remember your lies

The color of your eyes

I'll forget you the way you forgot me.

One day you will see

What goes around come's around

 

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All this information is found on the internet www.cheating-infidelity.com Thank them for their grateful information and the ability to share it with others, I am glad to be sharing this with others, I wouldve wanted someone to do the same for me, I was in a relationship with a Narcissist and currently I'm still learning how to get over the emotional abuse and mental abuse, I am glad I have found this website so I can share this information with any of you. I hope to at least save someone of the devastation and hurt after being with a Narcissist. Please read this carefully!!! Good Luck. Much Love.

 

There are ways to cope with a  Narcissist, if you decide to stay in a relationship with one. You may feel you dont want to face the financial burden due to divorce or seperation, or you may fear the loneliness after the break-up. Whatever your reasons are for you decision to stay in a relationship with a Narcissist or a mental abuser, it must be clear to you that you can never change them. When it comes to a Narcissist, a saying "What you see is what you get" is literally true.

If you decide to stay, you get your Narcissist partner the way he or she is now, the situation will never change and the things that bother you now will always be there. There might be some improvement, but the improvement requires that a Narcissistic person first realizes that he or she may have a problem. Unfortunately, only very rarely a narcissist is capable of doing this, so do not expect a miracle.

If you despite these facts decide to stay in your relationship, here are the steps you must take in order to maintain your mental health (after reading this list, a thought that comes to mind is "who wants to live like this". But in the end we all all free of how we choose to live our life, so let us not judge other's without knowing their situation in detail.) If you wish to leave your Partner, I recommend you read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of the "addiction" towards a Narcissist.

 

Forget your own wishes and dreams if your living with a Narcissist. Dont expect Narcissist to keep promises or be loyal to you, unless it is convenient for them. It can be it is convenient to keep promises, especially in the beginning of the relationship. This may even make it seem as if your narcissistic partner is constantly keeping promises, but keep in mind its only an illusion. When the moment comes and the Narcissist must make a choice, they will make a choice based on their own selfish reasons. A Narcissist will cheat, lie and betray without thinking of you for one second. Be aware of this, so that you dont get disappointed when cheating or some other  form of betrayal occurs.

 

Build a Strong Self Esteem. Do not let your Narcissist break you mentally. This is often their goal, this is what gives them "kicks", the feeling of full control over you. There are some simple tricks which can help you teach yourself to ignore a Narcissist when they are trying to catch you off-guard and abuse you mentally. If you are considering staying the relationship with a Narcississtic person you must be strong, because you must face all obstacles in life alone. They will never be able to give you any kind of mental support.

 

Always remember they are a Mentally Disturbed Person. When a Narcissist is cheating on you or does or says something that makes you feel bad and depressed, keep in mind their behaviour is not "normal" by any standards. Read about A Narcissist is A Mental Abuser to learn how to recognize the signs of malignant narcissism and serious mental abuse. Then take a different approach towards them. Think of them as someone with a permanent mental illness. Now it is up to you to decide if you want to spend your life "taking care" of a permanently sick person. Normally we want to stay with loved ones in times of struggle such as mental illness. But in this case you will never receive any gratitude from the patient. If you decide to stay with them do it for your own personal reasons. If you dont want to let go of certain things that you have, then stay with him or her, but do it because of yourself, not because of them. Do not pity a Narcissist, your empathy will be wasted along with your personal life.

 

Be Prepared for Cheating. Narcissist's are often Cheaters. If you decide to stay together with a Narcissistic Person, be prepared to experience cheating, at some point during your relationship. Narcissist do not feel remorse when they are cheating, which makes it very easy for them. If the Narcissist is good looking- their will be plenty of opportunities for cheating and they will not hesitate to seize the moment. If the secret lover appears to be "better" than you in the eyes of the Narcissist, he/she will leave you in a second and will switch to this new narcissistic supply. Often a Narcissistic person also gets enjoyment and excitement out of cheating. These people are constantly looking for thrills or kicks, and a secret affair is perfect for fulfilling these needs.  If you are cheating on your Narcissist, they will see you as someone who is totally dishonest and evil and often makes sure that you all your friends and relatives and even strangers will know how horrible you are. But if your Narcissist is cheating on you, they see nothing wrong with it. A Narcissist justifies the cheating by being "in love" with the secret lover, and in their minds true love justifies everything. But if you are cheating, you are merely ruthless and dishonest, because in the mind of a Narcissist it is not possible that you would love someone more than you love them, so love cannot be a reason for your cheating. It is impossible to know exactly what is going on in the mind of the narcissist, but somehow they often find ways to twist things in such a way that if you are cheating on them it is wrong and they deserve all the pity in the world, but if they cheat on you, they will always find a way to justify it, and that makes it possible for them to continue cheating. Due to this you will never fully trust a Narcissist.

 

How to Seperate from a Narcissist. Do not harbor thoughts of revenge. If you try to revenge, they will turn against you and show no mercy. You end up being in a battle with a Narcissist and that is not where you want to be. If a Narcissist thinks you no longer love him or her, you will immediately become a Insignificant character. At that point they simply move on to find another prey. If you try to heal your broken heart by getting even with a narcissist and getting your revenge, be prepared for merciless resistance. They will get furious if you try to complicate their life in any way and since they no longer care for you after the relationship has ended, they might really make your life miserable. Do not take the risk. Instead, make your goal to come out of the situation as a winner. What exactly means "winner" in this case? Winner is the person who is getting what he or she wants. A Narcissist wants you to be heartbroken, since that boosts their fragile ego. You only wish your suffering will end. You can achieve this goal by becoming the one who is in control. While your planning your escape, you can allow your Narcissist partner believe you still love him/her "desperately". You can for example send emails in which you tell of your "deep emotions" towards him/her even after him/her has been acting cruel towards you. When you Narcissistic Partner see's your emails, he/she will become happy as a small child, who not only got a candy but who got a candy who not only was meant for his or her sibling. Narcissists feel happiness when they feel someone else has lost something and is feeling  miserable. When a Narcissist feels another person is miserable because he or she is no longer able to receive their larger-than-life love, that is the best feeling of all, since that "proves" to them that they that they are "truly" magnificent and fantastic, since you now totally crushed only now because you can no longer be with them. Let a Narcissist think this and let yourself enjoy the feeling of being in control of your life.  When you are now holding the leash and a Narcissist is thinking him or her is in total control, it is somewhat easy to make them "work for you" instead of other way around. If there is something you want from them, your wish would be granted more easily when they can see themselves as a "generous" person who is doing something "good" for you, and when they believe that your love attachment and longing towards them will only increase as a result of granting your wish. Narcissists are seldom for giving anything away for free. But now they believe that by giving something away they will actually gain something (they think they will strength their power over you and as a result your desperate love, longing and admiration towards them will increase and their narcissistic supply will not run out). But you know better than that. In the end you are the one who wins, you get what you want, while a narcissist only gets unreal illusions. When you start to see a Narcissist in this kind of a new light, as someone is mentally weak and easy to manipulate, you start to heal from your "addiction" to them. You will realize their is nothing in that person to love or admire. A Narcissist starts to appear as a Pathetic, sad, even humorous figure. You soon find yourself wondering how you could find yourself loving someone like that. The realization will help you leave them for good.

 

Why is The Narcissist Trying To Get You Back. A Narcissist is feeding on the misery of people around him or her. When he or she see's you are desperately in love with them, this is the ultimate source of a Narcissistic supply. A Narcissist is often feeling happy to see you suffer due to your love for him or her and is enjoying when he or she can discard or reject you. That makes them feel they are in total control of the situation (and they are actually right about this, they ARE in control and play around with you as they like, either discard you or mercifully allow you to be with them again.)  Your pain does not evoke any type of sympathy in a narcissist. If you show your weakness your only making your situtation worse, and a narcissist gets more supply, when he or she can reject you in a cold, cruel way. Even if the Narcissist does not reject you, the end result is that you are only getting back to the point where you started and your misery will continue a bit longer, until finally you find the strength in you to cut your Narcissist loose. The longer you wait, the harder it is to heal and recover. Your silence and ignorance towards him or her will make you look like a challenge to them. They have to get you back in order to realize they are still "Irresisitible", Giving them access to constant narcissistic supply in form of you telling them all the time how much you love them. When you are gone from their life, they have no one to tell them those things, and they start to get withdrawl symptoms. When they feel rejected  they will try to get back to that endless source of supply. You have to learn to detach from them mentally and when you do you'll start to feel better and heal.

 

It is typical for the Narcissist to Mentally Abuse You. Common forms of abuse are insults, mocking, controlling, shouting, judging, etc., You name it and if a Narcissist believes it can hurt you, he or she is using it against you. Common phrases you hear from these people are "you deserve it" and "you get what you deserve", "I am behaving this way towards you, because you are as you are, it is your own fault" etc. If you do not show with your every action that a Narcissist is the most important thing in your world and that their happiness is your absolute priority they often become very nasty and hostile. One characteristic of a Narcissist is they cant feel empathy towards others. It is often impossible for a Narcissist to place themselves in someone elses shoes. Tragically, They are only capable of thinking of theirselves. If they feel someone is mistreating them, these people feel they have the "moral right" to treat that person badly. As a consequence, narcissists do not feel bad when they mistreat you, shout at you, insult you or mock you. If a "victim" of a Narcissist starts to cry as a result of mental abuse and verbal attacks, that will not calm a Narcissist down, on the contrary it often seems to aggravate their rage. This is a very alarming sign and should not be overlooked. Narcissist love's the feeling of being in control. They feel satisifaction when they feel they are in control and they cannot relate to the pain and suffering of other people. They can appear very emotional in some circumstances, but during most important moments in life, when the happiness and mental well-being of their partner is at stake, they can unexpectantly turn cold and uncaring. In a way this kind of behavior is not their "fault", since they are simply lacking the necessary equipment to understand what kind of emotional effect their behavior has on other people. Even thou they are in a way not to blame, it does not mean you have to sacrifice your life for the sake of Narcissist. You deserve better than to be put down mentally every other day or week or month. You deserve to be happy.

 

Learning to Control Your Emotions. Some of the emotions you are experiencing may be Anger, Depression, Anxiety, Humiliation, Severe Mental Pain. The most important thing for you to do right now is to get rid of the mental pain caused by the memory or cheating or unhappy events related to the Narcissist, after you decide what you wish to do with your relationship. Getting Rid Of The Mental Pain. Imagine if their was a button you could push to make all your painful feelings go away. Most people who are in a relationship with a Narcissist or who are dealing with emotional pain due to cheating or betrayal would not hesistate to push that button. Unfortnately, there is no such button, but their is other methods to get over the emotional pain you now experiencing. Teaching Your Mind To Let Go Of The Pain. If you understand the biological and psychological basis of the negative emotions, you can learn to control them and hence get rid of the emotional pain. If you are in the middle of the emotional storm, before you are capable of functioning logically you need to learn to calm the storm down. You cannot function properly while you are going through an emotional turmoil. Only then will you be free to be able to walk away from the Narcissist and never look back.

Understanding the Behavior. When you understand the behaviour of your Narcissist and the way you handle this behaviour it will be easier for you to handle the situation. You need to understand certain behavioral patterns and how to deal with them.

 

How To Detach From A Narcissist. Detaching can be quite difficult. The process of letting go can be easier if you understand the reasons why you felt attached to your Narcissist, even thou he or she is acting cruel towards you and is constantly putting you down mentally. When you understand what is causing your feelings it will be easier for you to control your emotions and get mentally rid of the Narcissist. Relationship with a Narcissist can often be compared to a "drug addiction". In the beginning of the relationship a Narcissist is making you feel as an amazing human being and is claiming that he or she has never met anyone like you. It is typical for a Narcissistic person to start to talk about "love" and "loving" almost immediately, even before they even had the chance to really get to know your personality and who you are. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is wonderful time, they almost appear to be too good to be true (eventually this turns out this was true). During this "honeymoon" period, your brain is releasing so-called "pleasure substances", biochemical compounds which is responsible for the feelings of  happiness, mental balance and euphoria. As time goes by your brain is slowly being altered in such a way that you must  have the "drug" constantly in order to develop the right state of mind. In this case the "drug" is the love of the Narcissist. Similar things happen in all relationships in the beginning. During the first couple years into a relationship your brain is adjusting to the new life with your Narcissist by reorganizing the structure of neuronal networks that are controlling the emotions related to romantic love. Due to this reorganization the feelings of love towards someone is integrated deep inside your brain. This kind of reshaping of the neuronal connections only happens if you are strongly in love with someone. It is very common that a Narcissist can seem so charming and "perfect". The only effective way to get rid of a Narcissist is to not be in any kind of contact with them. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your "enemy" the better you can fight it.

 

How to spot a Narcissist:

-Nothing will ever be his/her fault

-He/She will never be there for you. No matter what. Never.

-He/She will always be the "tragic" victim.

- He/She will never see you, your need, your love, your loneliness, your pain, your accomplishments. Everything will be about them.

-Its always their way or the highway.

-He/She will never ever admit being wrong.

-He/She will be angry with you every single day.

-Silent treatments and neglect can and do go on for weeks at a time. Especially if you point out one of their flaws.

- The world will always revolve around them

-While you do everything possible for your relationship, they do nothing.

-Their love is Pathological.

-Lack of empathy.

- Hypersensitivity to insults or imagined insults.

-Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt. They believe they are Superhuman and can rely on the ability to be superior. They are more concerned with the act then the consequences.

-Haughty body language means being arrogant or full of pride.  Someone who thinks their shit dont stink.

-Flattery towards people who admire or and affirm them- Narcissist are nice to people who admire them for their abilities or socially accept them into their "pack" anyone else they dont want nothing to do with could care less about thier opinion or they dont care.

-Detesting those who dont admire them. Those who dont admire them will not be included in their cirlce. They hang around with people who glorify them. No matter what story you have to tell or how awesome it is they tell you a story about someone they know or something they did and it will always be better then your story. They have to be center of attention. No one can have or be better than them.

-Using other people without considering the cost of doing so. They convince a Friend to commit a crime for their benefit without feeling guilty at all when they get caught and sent to jail. They probably wont even show up to visit or might not consider you a Friend anymore. They might look down on you for getting caught.

- Ego can be bruised easily.

-Avoid telling the person he/she is a Narcissist directly. They will withdraw from you and possibly even resent you for the accusation, Leave this up to a Professional.

-Sacarasm is the Narcissist specialty, not to mention spite. Lacking love and pleasure , they dont have a good reason for anything they do and thinks everyone else is just like them, except their honest and the rest of us is hypocrites. Nothing real is ever perfect enough to satisify them so they are constantly complaining or criticizing to the point of verbal abuse or insult. They have a negative, gloomy, cynical outlook on life.

 

- Impulsive they undo themselves of behavior that is oddly stupid for people as intelligent as they are. They expect to get away with anything they feel like at the moment.

 

-Extremely sensitive to personal criticism and extremely critical of other people. They think they must be seen as perfect or superior, infallible next to god like. They cant tolerate the least disagreement. In fact if you say "Please dont do that again, It hurts." They will turn around and do it again "harder" to prove they were right the first time, Their reasoning seems to be like "I'm a good person and I can do nothing wrong. Therefore I didnt hurt you and you are lying about it now."  They will say your nothing, your worthless, and turn around immediately and say they love you. They will attack you sometimes physically and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, etc and then well its kinda like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp "There. I feel better. Where were we?." And they expect you to feel better too. Narcissist expect you will feel devasted by their withdraw of his/her divine attention so that after awhile, a few weeks or months (the next time the Narcissist needs to use you for something) they will expect you to have learned your lesson and be eager to return to the fold. They cant see that they have a problem it's always somebody who has the problem and needs to change. They criticize, grip and almost complain about anyone or anything all the time. They complain about the same thing for years on end. But only rarely do anything about the things that dissatisfies them so badly.

 

-Narcissist have a little sense of humor. They dont get jokes, not even the funny papers or simple riddles, and they dont make jokes, except for sarcastic cracks and the lamest puns. Because of lacking empathy they dont get the context and affect of words and actions, jokes, humor, comedy. They specialize in sarcasm about others, and mistake it for wit. They are incapable of irony.You might take their humor as intentional pose or humorous put on when in fact the Narcissist was serious. I've known Narcissist to make fun of others, repeat jokes they've heard others laugh at, and laugh at jokes when others laugh, but knowing how to make people laugh is not exactly the same as having a sense of humor.

 

-Narcissist have strange work habits. Normal people work for a goal or product even if the goal is a simple paycheck. Normal people measure things by how much they have to spend (in time, work, energy) to get the desired results. Narcissist work for a goal too but a different goal  they want power, authority. Lacking empathy Narcissists cant understand how people achieve glory or highstanding they think its all arbitary or all appearances, its all who you know. So they try to attack themselves to people who already have what they want, meanwhile making a great show of working hard. Narcissist can put in a shocking amount of time to very litle affect. They do know that your suppose to work and not be lazy, so they keep themselves occupied. But they are not invested in the work they do whatever they do produce is just something they have to do to get the admiration and power they crave. Since this is so they dont really pay attention to what they are doing, perferring the easiest thing at every turn, even thou they might be constantly occupied, So that Narcissist manage to be workaholics and extremely lazy at the same time. Narcissist measure their worth of their work by how much time they spend on it, not by what they produce. They want to get an A for effort. Narcissist lack empathy so they dont know what others value and why. They know the price of everything and the value of nothing. The Narcissist may in fact hold oneself to a grinding work schedule that gives them something like a vindictive high so that, even wrought up, they can be sorta dazed, giddy, groggy, making you wonder if he's drunk or otherwise intoxicated-now thats a real workaholic. Usually this excessive behavior appears to be- and some will even tell you this-- an attempt to distract themselves from unpleasant or inconvenient feelings (Its a manic defense against depression and note with Narcissist its inaccurate to use "unhappy" or "happy" because their feelings are just not that differentiated; "euphoria" or "dysphoria" are as close as they get to ordinary pleasures or distress). or to make themselves unavailable to other's emotional needs.

 

-Its very hard to have a good uncomplicated time with a Narcissist. Except for odd spells of euphoria unrelated to anything you can see, their affective range is mediocre-fake-normal to hell-on-earth. They will sometimes low lie and be quiet, actually passive and dependent this is as good as it gets with Narcissists. They are incapable of loving conduct towards anyone or anything, so they do not have the capacity for simple pleasure, beyond the satisfaction of bodily needs. There is only one way to please a Narcissist (and it wont please you): that is to indulge their every whim, cater to their tiniest impulses, bend to their views on every little thing. Their's only one way to get decent treatment from a Narcissist, keep your distance. They can be pretty nice, even charming, flirtatious and seductive, to strangers, and will flatter you shamelessly if they want something from you. When you attempt to get close to them in a normal way, they feel you are putting emotional pressure on them and they withdraw because you are too demanding. They can be positively fawning and solictious as long as they're afraid of you, which is not most people's idea of a real fun relationship. A clue: Run for cover when they start acting normal, maybe expressing a becoming of self doudt or even acknowleding some fault of their own, such as saying they now realize they havent treated you right or that they took advantage of you before. They're just softening you up for something really nasty. These people are genuises of "Come closer so I can slap you." Except that's not the way they think of it, if they think about it...no they're thinking, "Well maybe you do really care about me, and, if you really do care about me, maybe you'll help me with this." Only by "help" they mean do the whole thing, take total responsibility for it, including protecting and defending them and cleaning up the mess they already made of it (which they will neglect to fill you in on because they havent really been paying attention, have they, so how would they know??) They have not considered for one second how much of your time it will take, how much trouble it may get you into their behalf, and they will owe you "BIG" for this--no your just going to do it all out of the goodness of your heart, yet they are delighted to exploit once again, and your virtue will be its own reward; its suppose to just tickle you pink to be offered this generous opportunity of showing how much you love them and or/ how lucky you are to the servant of such a lumionous personage. No lie--They think other people do stuff for the same reason they do: to show off, to perform for an audience. That's one of the reasons they make outrageous demands, put you on the spot and create scenes in public, they're being generous--they're trying to share the spotlight with you by giving you the chance to show off how absolutely devoted-to-them you are. It means they love you; thats why they are hurt and bewildered when you reject this invitation.

 

Almost everyone has some Narcissistic Traits, but being conceited, arugmentative, selfish sometimes (or even all the time) doesnt amount to a Personality disorder. Narcissist is a long term pattern of abnormal thinking, feeling or behavior in many different situations. The traits you just read may seem peculiar or just disturbing when someone acts this way you will know something is just not right and having close contact with a Narcissist may make you feel bad about yourself. Rememeber Narcissists behavior says "Its all about me" and "Your not good enough." Their is a lack of empathy and inability to show love.

 

How to deal with the Narcissist is next, Or how to be in a relationship with one.

I hope this post helps someone realize the signs of a Narcissist, They can be dealt with, It takes a lot of work but it can be an issue that can be resolved with a little or more work. Good Luck. Much Love.

Information I found off the net. If you wish to learn more look up Narcissist on the net.

 

So this story begins in the Middle School I was in the 6th grade and walking to class like I do every other day except I was in a bit of a rush and ended up slamming into someone knocking their books on the floor and paper's and of course I bent down and helped them pick them up once I looked up and my eyes caught his I couldnt stop staring so I blushed and looked away as if nothing happened I knew he felt the same by the way he smiled at me. After our first encounter we begin Friends, I realized we had classes together and I was surprised how intelligent he was and I fell for him fast, Over time we gained a Friendship we talked but we wasnt as close as a Best Friend we were Friends talked when we seen each other in the Hall nothing serious.

 

Over time we developed our Friendship over the Years we were in School I sometimes picked on him because that was my way of expressing my feeling's for someone I would tease them but not in a bad way thou he took it to heart and wouldnt talk to me for days but he never held a grudge against me, He was bullied alot in school and was an outcast he kept to himself and never had a Girlfriend a lot of the guys thought he was Gay I even sometime's wondered if he wasnt Gay, Maybe he just couldnt find the right person or maybe he was focusing his time on his school work, I always took up for him, defended him when other's made fun of him or put him down I guess you could say I was his Angel in his darkest hours.

 

Our 11th grade Year my First Love was caught cheating on me I was highly upset and falling to pieces and me, him and one of our other Friends was standing in the Hall talking and out of nowhere he said "If you ever need a good Man I'm here for you." I was shocked I never dreamed he had feelings for me and I couldnt ruin our Friendship he meant so much to me and I didnt want to lose him so I said "Your a good Friend. Lets keep it that way." I could tell he was heart broken but I had no choice I had to let him down easily I cherished his Friendship too much and couldnt afford to lose him, Because of him and my other Friend they were my only support group, They understood me like no one else and I cherished them they were like Family to me.

 

After graduation we lost contact we went on with our lives and I always wondered what happened to him and where he was in his life and I heard rumor's that he was Married and had Kids so I guess I just went on with life dealing with my First Love's crap and becoming a First time Mom. After awhile I went to College and studied a course in CNA. The Nursing Home I Volunteered at and also did my Nursing Classes was where I met his Mother who apparently worked there as a Feeder. I was walking through the Hall and happened to see her coming down the Hall and I stopped her and said "You look Familiar. Do you know (his name)?." She said "Yes I am his Mother and you are?." So I went and told her who I was and to my surprise she said "Your name is brought up a lot in my house." I was shocked but a little curious is that a good thing or bad? She said "Well here's his email keep in touch with him." I was happy to be able to talk to him again.

 

Upon arriving home I emailed him, After awhile he wrote back, I asked him how he was doing, how was life, I asked him about if he was Married or not or had Kids (It was a rumor), We started keeping in touch everyday through email so I asked him if  he wanted to come to my house and hang out sometime watch some movies and get caught up on our lives and adventures since High school he said he would love too so I gave him directions to my house and one day he came to visit, We had a blast we watched a movie I still remember our first movie we watched "Fool's Gold." I noticed he wasnt paying much attention to the movie he was looking straight ahead but I could tell he was watching me from the corner of his eye, I pretended not to notice and just watched the movie, After the movie we talked some more and got caught up he said he went to College and took Computer repair classes and he now lives on a Farm I was impressed, He met my Son and they absolutely adored each other I was surprised how fast my Son got use to him and normally my Son was very shy around strangers but he was showing that he trusted and liked my Friend and the feeling's were mutual my Friend seemed to really adore him. After awhile he had to go home and we said goodbye and as I watched him leave I felt a happiness wash over me.

 

Over the next couple weeks we kept in touch we soon started talking on MSN and the more I talked to him the more I liked him he told me everything, how his day went, And I told him about my EX and the shit he was putting me and my Son through it felt good to have someone who listened to me and cared, He even went to a Court Hearing with me and was my Witness, I started to enjoy his Company and he came around more often and our second time being together we watched "The Notebook." That night on MSN he expressed his feelings for me told me he has liked me since Middle School and like me he didnt want to ruin our Friendship and he hated to see how bad my EX was hurting me and he said "Let me treat you like the Goddess you are." I remember that even to this day because I was so happy all I could do was smile, After that conversation we started being BF/GF, I was surprised how good we clicked, we finished each other's sentence, read each other's minds, We liked the same things, Listened to the same music we were perfect together, We never argued, We had fun together, My Family absolutely adored him and he soon became one of the Family, I was surprised how much my Brother liked him they became so close they were like Brother's, I was finally happy. We started spending more time together I went to his House and met his Family and I was surprised how fast they liked me and I liked them, They made me feel wanted. I learned a lot about my Love's past he had 3 Girlfriend's in College and they broke his heart and never spoke much about them just said he had a Protective Order against one of them, Okay is this a warning sign here? It shouldve been.

 

6 Months in our Relationship he asked me to move in with him to get me away from Home since I was having some personal problems at home me and my Father didnt see head to head much sorry thats all I can say but this bothered my Love to see me treated this way and he wanted to get me away from it so I accepted his offer and we moved in together, I thought it was often quick but I needed to get away from Home and be on my own plus I was in love with him and I wanted to spend my life with him, I was worried my Son would take time to get use to this change but he adapted quickly and everyone in the Family accepted him as if he was my Love's Son and I enjoyed seeing how fast he got use to them they always made us feel like we were part of the Family.

 

His Family at first was a little hard to understand they dont talk to you they speak in Riddle's and its hard to understand them or figure out what they are trying to say I guess you can say they was a bunch of smart asses and took no crap from anyone and very sarcastic at first I thought this was funny but after awhile it just wasnt funny anymore so to be nice I pretended to laugh or giggle, I was spending time with his Family getting closer to them we went shopping together, I went to their home and played games or ate dinner I felt like I was one of the Family and I accepted them, My Family seemed to like them and get along with them they even hung out together had a few drinks or just sat around and bullcrapped. I was finally happy.

 

When it came to the idea of Me and My Love having intercourse I admit it didnt take as long as I expected for him to open up but I never pushed him and I never done anything he didnt want me to do he just took things slow and when it happened it just happened when we both felt ready I remember that day like it was Yesterday standing in front of him taking our clothes off and as he looked at me naked I'll never forget the smile on his face. I also learned he was still a Virgin and I thought maybe that's why he was scared he didnt know what he was doing and I was well experienced I think he was just scared of messing up or doing something wrong so I told him "Its okay we dont have to in fact when your ready we can try. I never want to push you into something your not ready for." He agreed. It happened fast I admit it we were dating for 4 months and so in love with each other we were unseperable and it felt like the right time to us so we had intercourse and with him it  felt like my first time and I was surprised how much I loved being with him, Letting him into my soul, my heart, my dreams, I felt I was doing the right thing it never felt wrong. I also learned my Love was Uncircumsized and this too was probably affecting him since he was scared of Judgement or I would run when I found out but I stayed with him it didnt matter to me and I'm not one to Judge him because of his Parent's choices it didnt affect my feeling's for him, I still loved him in fact it made me love him more, I was glad he wasnt afraid to open up too me.

 

After our one Year Anniversary I noticed we would follow me around constantly to the bathroom, everywhere I went he was right behind me at first it didnt bother me but after awhile it got on my nerve's I never said anything to him I was scared of hurting him, His Mom use to joke around and said he was "P**sy whipped." Well that puts a name to things. My Son was already 4 and his Father still had Visitation Right's.  They were still pushing for Custody. We found out I was Pregnant. We found out April 1st and no one believed us at first but after showing them the paper's they believed us, Everyone seemed excited for us and I was surprised how happy he was he remained with me through the whole pregnancy and I loved having him by my side. We contacted the Health Dept. and we had a Nurse come and speak to us about Pregnancy like I did with my first one I thought it would be nice for my new Love to understand what was going to happen and the changes in my body, My Son was excited to be having a Brother.

 

My Love was having problems holding a Job down I think some of the stress from my EX was starting to work its magic on him I told him before we got together I was packing a ton of baggage and he acted as if he wasnt bothered by it or concerned just accepting and understanding and after awhile the same stuff I went through for Years with my Son started to have a toll on him too, Not having money to do anything or go anywhere was having a toll on me, The only money we had was Child Support from my EX and it was only so much a month not enough for a Family of 4, We had to be placed on welfare since no matter what my Love did he couldnt hold a job down or no matter how much he looked he wasnt having much luck, I even tried to apply for Jobs, We hit a rough patch in our life.

 

I noticed my Love was taking his anger out on my Son he would yell at him sometimes and I even noticed he was starting to solve him away when my Son started to get close to him or try to talk to him he would push him away, This bothered me and hurt me more than anything I couldnt imagine why he was pushing my Son away like this and why now? I know the stress was bothering me too but I didnt take it out on my Son. I noticed we started fighting the arguments was over him not having a job, Us  having no money or just over the way he was treating my Son I wanted answer's and he said "I think its the stress its getting to me." I said "I know how you feel but you need to find other ways to deal with your stress its not his fault." And for awhile everything went to normal again and then next week everything went to  hell and back. After awhile it seemed like he almost hated my Son or despised him, He never hit my Son or was abusive towards him but I was seeing a side of him I never seen before, We got into arguments and normally it would be centered around my Son's behavior I admit my Son was quite the handful at times but my Love's behavior was just out of line he started telling me how I should correct my Son and I blew up at him, After awhile our fights started getting physical he would say or do something to my Son that made me so mad I would smack him, I was someone that even I didnt know anymore I was only protecting my Son, Me and my Son been through enough hell in our lives and we didnt need this from him.

 

My Love turned into a Monster- Our fights got worse sometimes so bad I would leave him for a couple day's let him cool off and then come back once he's relaxed and feeling better I thought maybe some space would be nice for us, So I stayed with my Mom a few nights I told her about how my Love was treating my Son and how sometimes he acted like he hated him and my Mom was mad she didnt like hearing that my Love was treating my Son like this and I told her it was probably due to stress and she said "There is other ways to handle stress not by being mean to a little Kid." I agreed, I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. He was never abusive towards my Son he was just pushing him away and I couldnt understand it, I tried talking to him and having him open up to me and I said "It hurts me when you act like that." He said "I know I dont know what's wrong with me anymore. I am just so stressed out all the time." I said "I know how you feel I dealt with it for Years but there is other ways to handle stress and its not my Son's fault your stressed out." He said "I know its your EX's fault and his pyshco Mother." Over time we started growing further apart we hardly kissed anymore or hugged and this bothered me, We were getting more and more distant and I didnt know what to do anymore I thought of leaving him but he said he would try to change and so far things werent as bad he was actually trying to get along with my Son things were starting to clear up for us and the storm clouds were slowly fading in our lives....HE GOT A JOB and he was finally happy, Happy because we could have the life we deserved and I was ecstatic. He started working at a Gas Station.

 

His Stress Levels got worse I noticed when he came home from work every little thing my Son did bothered him, By then My Son started Head Start I thought it would be good for my Son to be out among other Kids his age and maybe it would help him develop his speech more which was becoming more and more of a problem I had him to the ENT but he said my Son's ears was clear and normal I even had a Speech Therapist come and see him every 2 weeks and I noticed my Son was starting to talk more over time I figured it was because of all the stress he was under mainly emotional stress I am sure my Son could sense all the emotions I was under, And by now my Son was scared of Cop's what kind of life is that for a 4 Year old?.

 

My EX pushed for Full Custody again I was 5 months Pregnant and the stress from calling Lawyers and having what felt like no one wanted to help us I was an emotional wreck, My Love lost his Job and we had no money to afford a Lawyer I ended up trying Legal Aid, I almost couldve won Full Custody and my EX's Lawyer dropped it I asked my Lawyer if she would re-open the case and keep fighting and she said "No. Just let it go you still have your Son so drop it." Wow what a heartless Woman. I started noticing signs of Depression again I wouldnt do anything anymore I would lay around in bed and sleep, I wouldnt cook anymore, I found myself slowly hating the things I use to enjoy and my Love was concerned about me, He asked me to seek a Doctor's help or speak to my OB doctor about it I thought it would go away on it's own and I tried to ignore it but it only got worse the more I ignored it.

 

When he was working I remember standing in the Kitchen and it was time for him to come home and as he walked in the door I seen his Mother behind him which this was not a surprise to me she normally came over when he got off work well he stood there looking at me as if I done something wrong or said something stupid so I looked at him and smiled and his Mom said "You need to go seek some help. I think your going crazy." I was like "Huh? Excuse me?. I am perfectly normal thank you." And he said "No honey you been acting weird lately not wanting me to work or always calling me at work." I was shocked. I know from my First Relationship I was emotionally damaged and I ended up blaming my new love for everything my EX did and I admit I knew I was wrong he was not my EX he was a totally different person in fact completely opposite but I couldnt place a finger to why I kept blaming and accusing him of everything my EX did I would call him at work and normally he told me to call him or he would call me and let me know he made it to work safe or we would have an argument before he left and I would feel bad and call and apologize but I couldnt understand why he was saying I was crazy I only called him when I was told too call or normally he called me so I was starting to get very upset his Mom said "You need to make an appointment and go see the Doctor." I felt like a caged animal they was crowding me and everytime I tried to get away from him he would follow me I couldnt escape him I felt like I wanted to run away and never look back, Why was he blaming me for something he knew I never did or wasnt even guilty of? Is this his way of showing me how it feels when I do it to him? I thought we talked about this already like 2 months ago, WTF? Why do this now? I ended up having my First Panic attack and thats when I knew something was wrong, I went to the Doctor and she placed me on Zoloft again 100MG. Depression runs in my Family and so does Panic attacks so this didnt surprise me.

 

My 2nd Pregnancy was a surprise never imagined it would happen again or could happen again but I loved every minute of it, I felt it brought us so much closer, I felt connected to him, I felt like instead of being 2 people we were now "one". We had so much fun together so many good memories before he changed into my worse enemy, We had so much in common, shared the same interests, We seemed like a happy couple people even said we were acting like Twins we even dressed alike same color shirt and same color jeans, Before he got with me he was a little chunky and he never got his haircut it was a shaggy mess so after being with me I cut his hair for him and he started losing weight which to me he looked good but the chunky part never bugged me I wasnt exactly one to judge I wasnt perfect. My Love could always make me feel good even when I felt like crap he had ways of making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. We were so close we even had our own sign language we would knock on the wall or door a certain number of times and no one knew what they meant but us it was something special between the too of us.

 

The Pregnancy seemed to run smooth we had no complications except we were worried the baby might be a big one since my first was 9 lbs. When it came to delivery we decided we would do what I did with my First have the Pregnancy induced we were eager to see him, Our Child was suppose to be due the next day after my Birthday how special is that? Very special. We went into the Hospital and I was induced, The contractions seemed to be taking a bit longer than normal and everything seemed to be going so slow I never expected this to be so slow since it was my Second child, Our Doctor came in and broke my water and everything went from normal to bad fast his cord prolapse and I ended up being wheeled down the hall on all 4's with my butt in the air for everyone to see but that didnt matter to me the only thing that mattered was my Child's safety and I was worried I would lose him, My Love couldnt be in the room with me I remember a Nurse having problems getting the epidural in she kept shoving it in my back and I wanted nothing more than to kick her in the face I was so scared and I wanted him by my side more than anything I kept asking for him and no one would answer me, I remember seeing my OB Doctor and she was standing between my legs she looked up at me and smiled and all I could think of was "please let this baby be safe" I ended up having an emergency C-section I dont remember anything else since I was put to sleep during the procedure. When I woke up I was very sore and disorientated and I looked to my left and there stood my Love with the Baby in his arm's and he looked at me and smiled and kissed me on the forehead I was so tired I couldnt keep my eyes opened, My Mom and Aunt popped their heads in and I was so tired I couldnt stay awake, I remember she was taking photo's and the little one was being passed around to my Family Member's. We spent an entire week in the Hospital we went home on my Birthday. My feet was swollen to the size of watermelon's I was so sore I could barely walk I had to have him help him in and out of the Car, I couldnt wear shoes I had to wear slippers. It was quite a struggle.

 

I was glad to be home where I could relax and enjoy my Child and Family. My Oldest Son was staying with my Mom until I healed enough to have him home again. A week later my Love told me he had a Job and he would be starting the next day I was ecstatic for him we needed the money, So I was happy for him. I was still swollen and sore when he went to Work he worked night shifts and he would have his Mom come over and check on me and the little one and she helped us tremendously dont know what I wouldve done without her, Since I was still sore and my feet were swollen. I started having crying fits I missed my Oldest Son I wanted him home so bad I wanted us to be a Family and it didnt feel right without him. So when my Love went to work I would pack up the babies diaper bag and I would have him drop me off at my Mom's so I could spend some time with my Oldest it made me happy to be able to see him and spend time with him, I enjoyed how well him and his Brother got along you could tell he loved his little brother he would lay down beside him or check on him when he was asleep in the crib I loved it, I enjoyed being around him. The Father still had Visitation. So far it looked as if our life was finally  getting better.

 

Me and My Love were starting to get so distant we didnt hug anymore or kiss we use to make love every night and now it seemed we barely made love anymore I know after the Baby we wasnt allowed to make love for 6 weeks but I was healed up and my feet was back to normal and 6 weeks had come and gone, I figured he didnt have the time anymore since he worked and was always tired and I was always tired and busy taking care of the Kid's and taking care of the house, I just hated how distant we were and it surprised me he noticed it too he said "Why dont we ever hug or kiss anymore?. What happened?." I said "I dont know it's not that I dont love you because I do, I hate that we have become like this." He said "Me too. I dont want us to drift apart." And I said "I know me too." But we couldnt figure out why we were so distant and I thought maybe I was depressed I wasnt feeling happy anymore, I didnt enjoy the things I use to enjoy, I felt miserable.  I hated this rough patch we hit, Again but why now? Why was this happening to us?. I hated it. Then I started thinking he was cheating on me I knew I was being paranoid but I could find no other explanation for why he acted so distant, Why he acted so hateful sometimes? Or why he would just snap at one of us for no reason? I thought it was just the stress from work and choose to ignore it and not bring it up but it was staring to really worry me and it needed to be talked about, it needed to be fixed I felt I was losing him, You know those gut feelings? I was having them.

 

After a few months went by I just learned to accept something was wrong with us we made love but not like we use too and I thought maybe we just didnt have the time anymore or maybe we both were so stressed and tired we just didnt feel like it, So I learned to accept it as something we would overcome later on down the road.

 

We were at my Mom's House and that day my Son had a Doctor's appointment and we stopped in to see my Mom for a bit. Well we were getting ready to go home it was Winter and the driveway was icy and snow covered and as we were walking to the Car my love opened the Driver side door and I had the back door opened so my Oldest Son could get into the Car he was taking his time to get to the Car and I stood there and waited for him when he finally made it to the door he slipped on the ice and fell and somehow managed to smack his head off the Car door he didnt cry or anything but I checked to make sure he was okay and since it was dark I could barely see anything so I decided to wait until we got home to see if it did any damage and if so I would take a picture just incase, When we got home and I got the Kids into the house and we all got settled I checked my Son's head and noticed a bruise was starting to form I went into panic mode I grabbed a towel and filled it with ice hoping it would bring down the swelling I was a nervous wreck I knew the outcome of this and I was freaking out, I called my Mom and told her what happened and she started panicking. The next day when he woke up it was a small bruise nothing severe or as bad as I thought it would be so I sent him to school he was in head start when this happened and that day his Father had Visitation, In the Evening we had a Cop knocking on our door and I answered it and he asked me about the bruise and I told him what happened and he was very cocky and I asked him who reported it and he said "His Teacher and Grandma." No surprise this Woman would stop at nothing. He didnt believe anything I was telling him or anything my Love told him. My love took him outside and showed him the Car and where it happened and he asked if we had Witnesses and he said "Our Family Doctor." Since she seen him that day she could tell him if she seen a bruise or not right? Well we thought so too. So he left to question our Witness and anyone else who was involved via second party my EX's Mom's story. The next Morning he came back and said our Witness didnt see any bruises, He was asking me about a bruise he described was the size of a Goose Egg and at first I thought I didnt hear him right and I said "I am sorry a Goose Egg?." He said "Yeah it's a large sized bruise." I wasnt thinking of the picture right now I was still confused about what he was meaning, My Son had no bruise that big, WTF?? I felt like I was being black mailed, We ended up going out to his Car me and him alone and he asked me to tell him the truth and I said "I did. I told you everything that happened that day." He said "I dont believe you. I could take you to Jail right now." I was highly scared I never been to Jail before then he said "You see that little boy staring out the window? Make the right choice and tell me the truth?." I didnt know what to do I was telling the truth and he wouldnt believe me I was torn, He said "Okay I'm going to have you write a statement and you write exactly what I tell you. You understand?." I was like "Huh? Am I hearing this right?." At the moment I didnt know my rights I didnt know I could ask to speak to a Lawyer I never been through this before not this severe, I been to Court and dealt with Lawyers but never anything like this, So I wrote my statement the way he told me to write it- We came out of the Doctor's Office and my Son was acting up when I was trying to get him into the Car seat I was getting aggravated and elbowed him in the head with my elbow due to frustration so I wrote it word by word hoping I was making the right choice and hoping I could keep my Son in my life, He left, I felt a piece of me slowly falling apart I wanted to climb into a hole somewhere and bury myself, I felt like dying. How could I let this happen? Why was this happening?. A few days later I got Court Paper's served to me I was a nervous complete total wreck and my Love was completely upset and scared. I went to my Court Hearing a Month later I had a Lawyer and I showed him the picture I took of my Son's head and he showed me the so called "Goose Egg" and it was not the same bruise it was completely different and he looked at me and said "Something dont fit right." And he told me I shouldve asked to speak to my Lawyer before ever writing a statement stupid me. I ended up not losing my Child thank god but I ended up getting a Stet for 2 Years and ordered to take Parenting Classes. OMG what happened?

 

I was glad I still had Custody of my Son I took my Parenting Classes as ordered me and my Love both took them I figured it might do him more good than me and figured it would make us both look good, So every month we went to the Health Dept. and sat for 2 hours in Parenting Classes it went good I learned a lot and I realized some things I were doing wrong and couldve been doing something else instead I was glad we were doing it, It helped us tremendously but not happy it had to happen the way it did, But if it made me a "PERFECT" Parent then I was all for it.

 

Things get Ugly now so be prepared "grab your tissue box" might need it. I'm crying now and I havent even started writing it. I was sitting in the Livingroom and my Love was in the Kitchen getting the dishes ready for Supper since he cooked that night I was relaxing with the Kids and watching television he got real quiet and asked me "What would happen if we broke up? Would I have to pay child support?." I looked at him like "What kind of question is that?." And said "No. I would probably get a job and manage on my own. You would get visitation rights. But NO I would never ask that of you. Why?." He said "Just wondering." We started talking a bit more about Protective Orders saying if we did break up he would get one against me and I was shocked to be having this conversation with the Man I loved and planned on Marrying soon we already planned on it, I thought he was just asking to be curious or just making a joke but no one was laughing and I felt a sudden sting in the pit of my chest and I just choose to end the conversation and pretended it never happened, But I couldnt shake the feeling I was going to lose him and I couldnt stop it from happening and I was upset and scared did he want to leave me? I thought we were happy, I thought we were finally a Family, Yeah we had Problems with my EX and his Mother still up to her old tricks, But I never dreamed he would give up on us this quick. Was I wrong about him all along? Was it true love is really blind?  I was hurt.

 

Okay it gets worse ready? Keep that tissue box close. My EX started texting me on my cell phone claming he wanted me back and wanted me to leave my Love and I told him kindly "I am not leaving him for you. You had your chance with me and you blew it not once but many times. I am sorry." He just wouldnt give up he would call my Mom and talk to her and tell her to talk some sense into me and even my Mom was falling for his tricks she would call me and tell me he called and wanted me to call him or text him, I went to my Mom's to visit and my EX ended up showing up, My Love was working and this was wrong on so many level's so wrong and we ended up talking and he told me he wanted me back and he was being serious about this that he wanted us to get Married and live together and again I told him "No." He just wouldnt stop he kept texting me and everytime my phone went off my Love tried so hard not to show his anger but it was bugging him so I told my EX "You need to stop your causing problems. I said no and I mean it. Now stop." My Love was so mad he wanted to get a Protective Order against him and  I said if he dont stop we will his last text freaked me out it said "You need to leave him I mean it he is planning on leaving you and taking the Baby. His Mom is talking about it at work to her co-workers. Please be with me. Leave now before its too late." I had to laugh at his lame attempt and I showed my Love the text and he laughed and said "Thats bullshit." But I admit I was worried, My gut feeling was telling me my EX knew a lot more than he was saying he knew.

 

My Son's Birthday was coming up and I wanted to make it a success it's been a Week since he texted me and I thought he stopped and didnt think about it anymore, On this day my Love was acting so distant and quiet and kept to himself I thought something was bugging him and he wasnt ready to talk about it just yet I was too busy preparing for the Party that I ignored him and tried to not let myself get concerned about it. During the Party he started warming up a little he was hugging me and kissing me and talking to everyone he was even playing with the other's when they had a water ballon fight and I thought it was nothing serious he seemed to be alright now. The Party was a success.

 

The next day everything went to hell- My Love was in the bathroom and I was sitting on the computer chair and my Son was watching Cartoon's my youngest was asleep in the bedroom at the time, A commercial came on and my Son blundered over to me and went to see where My Love went and he said "I am in the bathroom hang on." And I told my Son "Hold on someone is in the bathroom honey wait your turn." He mustve had to pee and couldnt be patient to hold it so he barged into the bathroom and of course it upset my Love and he started whining and complaining about how we need to teach my Son manner's I admit it made me mad but I could see his point my Son didnt need to be barging in on him like that especially when he was in the bathroom my Son mustve got mad at him yelling at him and picked up a hair brush and smacked my Love across the leg with it I didnt see it happen but I heard him cussing and yelling at my Son and my Son ran out into the Livingroom and looked as if he knew he done something wrong but was playing innocent, My Love came out of the bathroom and he wasnt happy he was cussing and yelling at him and I said "Hey! Thats about enough that's my Son you let me handle it." And he said "Okay fine correct him." So I got up and went over to my Son and I said to him "You know it's not nice to hit people do you?." And he shook his head "Yes." And of course the normal punishment was no Cartoons for a week or grounded or he had to sit in the thinking chair for awhile which I choose that option first and this wasnt enough for my Love he thought he needed a more severe punishment and I said "I talked to him about him he know's what he did was wrong now accept it." He wouldnt have it and he kept cussing and yelling at the top of his voice and he ended up walking out, I was stunned on this day my EX had Visitation so I had to stay inside and get my Son ready I had no time to go chasing after him so I let him go and hoped he would cool down, After awhile we decided to go find him and see if he was ready to talk and maybe sort things out some things were said that I didnt mean and I hoped we could get through it, I found him and he was climbing a tree and as I got closer he was coming back down and I said "You better get out of there before you end up falling and breaking your legs." He said "Why would you care if I broke my legs?." And I thought I wont answer that it would start a fight so we tried to talk and no matter what I said to him he seemed to get more angry by the minute so I decided to head back to the house and waited until he cooled down more and he followed me, My EX carried a pocket knife on him what Man doesnt carry a pocket knife around? I am sure a lot of you Men do anyway as we walked back to the house my Love was more madder than I ever seen him he pulled out the knife and threatened me and I said "Go ahead if you think your big enough to do it, do it." Then he raised his fist as if he was going to hit me and once again I said "Go ahead." I know its not a good idea to edge someone on especially when they are mad and not thinking straight but I wasnt scared and I knew he wouldnt hurt me but after awhile he walked away, When I reached the house I went inside and called my Mom and asked if she could come and pick us up and I was leaving no one threatens me or raises a fist to me as I was talking to her on the phone I noticed he was heading towards the house and I thought "Oh no. Now what?." So I walked out on the Porch and he looked up at him and said "Oh go ahead call the Cop's I'll stab myself and blame you." And my Mom heard it and she said "Did I just hear what I think I did? I'm coming down be ready." So we hung up. I noticed my EX hasnt showed up yet and he was late that's a first. A couple minutes later a Cop pulled into the driveway and my heart sank into my stomach I thought "Oh no. Not again." By now I dont trust Cops anymore I was a nervous wreck and not thinking straight and just hoping it would all end and my Mom would come and I could leave he started asking me questions and I told him "Its just a lover's spat. I am waiting for my Mom to come and I'm leaving." He peeked in on the Kid's and asked if they were fine and I said "Yes one is asleep and the other is waiting for his Father." He left and went to question my Love I was still waiting for my EX to arrive and no sign of him it was even taking my Mom awhile to get here I figured it would be a good couple minutes so I waited, I seen my Love walking towards his Car and he fell to the ground holding his chest I ran down the steps and ran to his side screaming for someone to call 911 this wasnt the first heart attack he had, I asked him if he wanted his nitro and he said "No they give me headaches." When I first ran to him he looked at him and said "I'm sorry I never meant for any of this to happen." I was a little confused about what he meant and I said "Its okay." The ambulance showed up and they checked his vital signs and suggested he go to the hospital and I told him I would go with him or drive him in our Car if he wanted, The Cops still didnt leave even thou they didnt have nothing to be here for they stuck around I guess to see if he was okay I still couldnt figure out why they were here an Officer walked over to me and asked me to write a statement I wrote down everything that happend what he said while I was on the phone with my Mom, Every detail, I noticed they was placing him inside the ambulance and I went to walk over to climb into the back and ask my Love's Dad if he could watch the Kid's until we got back at least I knew they would be safe and he nodded his head and smiled so I went over to climb inside the ambulance and before I reached it a Cop came up behind me and arrested me I was shocked, I was confused I didnt know what was going on he didnt even read me my right's just slapped the cuffs on and placed me in the cruiser, WTF??

 

I ended up in Jail for the first time in my entire life I was scared after all the stories I heard about Jail I was a  nervous wreck. I ended up finding out what I was being charged with apparently my Love stuck with his story and told them I stabbed him which made no sense to me if I stabbed him wouldnt he be going to the hospital for stab wounds not a heart attack? I was confused. I ended up being placed in a holding Cell and I called my Mom and had her come bail me out I was charged with First and Second degree assault which couldve landed my butt in Prison for 15 Years, I just wanted to die, How could he do this to us? Why did he lie? I couldnt understand it then my EX's text came back to haunt me, I really started to wonder and now the pieces was starting to fit, Of course my EX knew he was in on it and no wonder he was late for the Visit he knew exactly what was gonna happen. I went to stay with my Mom after being bailed out and I had a Court Date for the next month which gave me time to get a Lawyer and figure out what the hell I was gonna do next, I was an emotional roller coaster. The next day was total hell for me I called my Love and told him I was coming down for my belonging's and he said "We need to talk about this. We need to sort things out. You will have to wait awhile since we wont be home." I asked him what the hospital said and he said he had a Panic attack and I said "Yeah I had those before." And he said "I know." And I told him I loved him and he said "I love you too." Then he said the weirdest thing ever "You can also thank your grape vine for this." WHAT???? I had no idea what he meant, But he hung up before I could ask, I went down and packed up my clothes, He wouldnt even talk to me he stayed away the whole time I was there but when we arrived he came out of the house and he said "Did CPS reach you?." I said "Yeah." And he walked away, I felt like a part of me was slowly dying and I wanted so bad to scream at him for being so stupid but I didnt waste my time I packed my stuff and left him and everything else behind. I managed to ask my Mom why she didnt show up and she said "I called your EX and told them what was going on. His Mom mustve called the Cops and told them you stabbed (my 2nd love). We heard it over the Scanner." I was shocked oh that nosey b**ch always causing problems and Mom said "Please dont be mad at me I didnt know she would twist the story I was only thinking of the Kids." I said "Its okay I wouldve done the same Mom."  Now I knew what he meant by the "grapevine" he mustve thought I had my Mom call the Cops, Go figure. He was mad at me cause he thought I had something to do with it. Mom was only doing the right thing but she couldve also possibly caused me a lot of unwanted problems, I couldnt blame her I wouldve done the same.

 

As the days went by I was digging myself in a deep depression, I lost my Kids I had Visitation with them once a week for 2 hours at least they still was in my life. I felt my whole life was over I was worried about spending 15 years in Prison and never seeing my Kid's again. My 2ND love- Got a Protective Order against me I asked everyone I could think of to help me and I called everyone I could think of for advice, I had no one to turn too, I was being treated like a Criminal. When the Protective Order arrived I looked down at the paper at what he wrote his reason for needing one and I felt the tear's start to sting my eyes he was still carrying on with  the idea that I stabbed him, What was his problem? He ended up getting the Order for 1 Year, It was the worse day of my life to sit in Court with my EX and have him lie about me and act as if I wasnt in the room everytime he seen me he would run in the opposite direction or cover his head and hide he acted as if he was guilty, He had me believeing I done something wrong which I knew deep inside he was wrong and I would prove it somehow, I showed my Lawyer the Protective Order and between that and the Paper's I was served with for Assault his stories was different I was glad my Lawyer caught onto that, Also when I left I took my cell phone I gave him and I was skimming through it and seen pictures he took of his finger's I was curious and continued looking and seen cuts on his finger's and blood not much they looked like paper cut's to me so I went to wal-mart had them enlarged and showed my Lawyer he said "Good eye you got girl we could use these." I was starting to feel I might win this Case and prove his ass was nothing but a lying coward, He dug his grave now let him lay in it, I wasnt feeling sorry for him anymore I felt no remorse for him I was thinking about getting my life together, Getting my Kids back. At one of the Visitation's my 2nd love's  Mom was asking me about the Cell phone and my Ex wanted it back so I deleted the picture's and he got the phone back alright I was shocked he was asking for it, Why did he want the phone back so bad? Then I caught on the pictures he was scared I might see them, Too late I was a little smarter than I looked.

 

I had a Facebook account and so did my EX he had enough decency to add my Mom as a Friend he wouldnt talk to me or even look at me everytime he seen me he would run in the opposite direction I couldnt understand him, So I choose to ignore his childessness and moved on I had other things to worry about, He started talking trash about me on Facebook and when I seen it I would spit fire back and he would get pissed and start running his mouth and talking more trash about me, I couldnt believe he was really believeing his own lies was true, Who is this person and what did they do with the guy I loved? He continued running me down on Facebook really making my life a living hell I let every word he said about me spill into my veins like a deadly poision and I didnt let him get away with hurting me I spit back but I think I was even worse I was so angry with him and I let him know just how angry I posted song's and quotes about liars, betrayal, all the things he done to me and it pissed him off and he spit back, After awhile it got worse to the point it made my Mom mad and she cussed him out and he ended up blocking and deleting her and done the same to me I was glad I was tired of his mouth and I didnt need him making my life a living hell he already done enough and I was tired of letting him have the power to hurt me, But everything he said killed me it hurt me so bad I couldnt believe this was him saying all these nasty things about me. I post pictures of my Kid's and he and comments and says "Its funny how some people act like Mother of the Year on facebook but some of us know you in real life." Why would he get mad because I'm posting pictures of my Kids? What gives him the right. I was so hurt over all this I felt I couldnt live anymore I wanted to end it he was driving me insane with all the bad mouthing, Now I had to deal with 2 Custody Battles and I was ready to scream, I had no money for a Lawyer I felt like I wanted to just die and I prayed for it. After awhile I got a Job it felt good to start working again, Felt good to get out of the house and amongst people, This was what I needed and I enjoyed my job, Everyone liked me and we all got along perfectly, I finally found the right job. It was a Part time job but having some money in my pocket was nice and having the money to buy my Kids things were so much greater, I felt alive again. My 2nd Ex's Mom seen me one day at work and she would talk to me (surprising) she even had the gull to hug me and even kissed me on the forehead and one day she said to me "You know I always did like you. Your still my favorite." I was like "Okay thanks I guess." Kinda weird, After almost a Year of working my1st love ( EX)  filed for Child Support I was ordered to pay $239.oo a month I didnt mind paying Child Support but I only worked 15 hrs and I wasnt making that much money my EX was making more money than I was but I didnt complain it was my duty to support my Child which I did even before he filed for it, I use to always buy my Child clothes, anything I think he would enjoy I bought him, One time at my Visitation my Son and his Father told me something that made my heart sink into my stomach I bought him his favorite toy and a nice denim jacket thinking he could wear it to school or something and my Son said "My grandma will throw this away." And I looked at my EX and said "Huh? What does he mean?." And he said "Oh yeah my Mom throw's away the stuff you buy for him." OMG are you serious? I was completely pissed, How dare she? It didnt surprise me thou but oh it made me mad.

 

After a Year of working it was only a Part Time job the main reason was to train me in the work field so I could be required to work again since I havent worked for so long I thought it would be nice so I took the training course and they hired me to work there after I finished the course I loved my job I finally felt alive like I mentioned before, Anyways, They started hiring 2 more Co-workers and they worked Full Time they were aloud to do things I wasnt allowed to do I felt a little upset about this but never let it bother me to the point of driving myself crazy over it I knew it would happen eventually, I was still looking for a Full Time Job somewhere else that was the whole idea of the course I was taking they helped you find a job, helped you fill out resumes and you could also use them as a reference sounded like a good idea to me plus I was getting paid to do it, After they hired the new Co-workers I noticed my hours were increasing soon I was working 5 hours a week I was getting behind on Child Support and I was really starting to panic, Soon I ended up losing my Job they didnt fire me they just told me to come in one week and work  my 5 hours and it would be my last, I was heartbroken. I was finally happy and now I get bad news. Seems that happens alot to me. I been looking for a new job ever since and no luck, No one calls me or I go for interviews and I hear nothing from them anymore. I am really getting discouraged by now. I need a Job. Child Support is starting to crawl down my throat now and I'm just waiting for the day I'm sitting in Jail. I asked my 1st Love what makes him think he needed Child Support he said "You done it to me so payback's a bitch." Oh you low life piece of drug smoking scum. Ugh. I keep looking for Jobs but so far, No luck. I keep praying for some kind of Job anything. But nothing. What am I gonna do??.

 

I still to this day have no idea how he afforded a Lawyer I think my EX's Mom had something to do with that if you really dig into it deep enough she seems like the type of person who would do that just so she could get what she wanted in return, I still cant figure it out. I ended up losing Custody of both my Kids I had no chance in hell to fight them to prove his allegations was false even thou we had the assault hearing and I was proved "Unguilty." He still brought that up in the Custody Battle I knew by the look on the Judge's face I had no chance in winning this, I felt like I should just give up in their eyes I was nothing but a Criminal but I tried to fight for my Children, I tried so hard and in the end I failed he just had so many lies one after another he even had his Family lying for him I was shocked how can this people who once loved me betray me like that?. I got Visitation every week for 2 hours. I was ordered to take Parenting Classes, Seek Mental Health, I had to pay a Fine and do Community service hours I was placed on Probation for 2 Years since the Stet didnt run out until another Year, OMG I am so screwed how did my life end up like this?.

 

My 2nd- Still continues bashing me on Facebook he calls me a Psycho, I am crazy, I am stupid, I think I'm Mom of the Year, He post's terrible quotes about me "Have you ever looked at your EX and wondered if you were drunk the entire relationship" and "Its better to have loved and lost than live with a Psycho the rest of your life" Oh yeah he's pretty nasty towards me I just cant understand why? What did I do? Why wont he tell me? He acts like he dont care anymore he acts like he hates me but why I wasnt the one who lied? I wasnt the one who cut myself and blamed him? I was a complete mess and this abuse went on for Years and it still continues, Its much worser now. He turned my Friends against me, Tried to turn my Family against me but they wasnt falling for his schemes, I get Visitation with my Youngest and I went 4 months without seeing him before his Mom called and set up a Visitation if I say anything that makes him mad he wont let me see my Little One or if I dont do as he say's and if I dont mention the fact that he's a lying piece of crap I get to see my Kid, I have to kiss his butt just to see my own Son how ridiculous is that? He get's mad at me for posting pictures of my Kids on my Facebook. I was being emotionally abused by him and I couldnt do anything but let it continue in fear I wouldnt get to see my Kid ever again, I had to literally kiss his ass I had to watch what I posted and if I said anything about him I would make it Friends only or I just stopped getting on I was so sick of the trash talking, He acted like he really hated me, Why? I didnt do anything wrong. Someone tell me why??? I tried asking him why? No reply just a sarcastic comment, I tried giving him hints posting songs that the lyrics was telling him something, no reply he ignored me for a Year. I found out he was working again at that Gas Station so he was doing good for himself I am glad he's content and happy he made my life a living hell, Yeah good for him.

 

When we were together he had heart problems we went to the ER a couple times because he thought he was having a heart attack but after we broke up seems like he dont have that problem anymore, Does this make sense?. I dont know. I remember the first time we went to the ER they ran some tests and they found something they called a party drink in his blood work and wanted to know if we went to any Parties I was shocked  and I looked at him as if to say "How the hell did that happen?. I know we were at wal-mart shopping maybe someone slipped it in your drink." He said "Probably." And we never discussed it again, How bizarre?. No over time his heart problems magically disappeared and his Family was never the one's who was there for him when they happened it was me maybe they already knew something I didnt know, I mean if your Son was having a heart attack wouldnt you go to the hospital with him? I would, This made no sense to me and I started wondering if maybe he was faking them, the hospital did tests and they always came back normal except for the party drink and they even ran a tube up his leg and into his heart to see if his arteries was clogged. I dont know still makes no sense to me, How did they magically just stop?.

 

After awhile I wondered if everything he told me wasnt just a lie, I found myself constantly thinking of that and I drove myself crazy. I ended up contacting a Psychiatrist and was placed on Zoloft again this time 150 MG. I have people telling me he  is now talking trash about me at work his own co-worker's tell me and apparently no one likes him there because all he does is whines and complains, Sounds like him, He was always whiny. Now he call's me a slut, whore, psycho, monster, all kinds of terrible names you name it he said it.

 

My 1st EX started talking to me again told me he still wanted me back and I was very vunerable and he knew he could take advantage of me I was so hurt emotionally and looking for a way to get over my 2nd that I ended up back into my EX'S deadly web of lies and deceit I ended up back in his bed but this time things were different he was calling me, he would come over and we would go shopping it gave me time to be around my Son I would do it he started thinking I was using him to get closer to my Son again, Damn he's smarter than he looks, I started falling back into my old tricks with him we would flirt at the visits and I noticed he never liked having our picture taken I guess he was worried his Mom would see it, He would only call me on his cell phone, I didnt care I just wanted more time with my Son no matter how much I had to kiss his ass I wanted to be around my Son as much as possible, Apparently my 2nd Ex realized I was back with my First again he didnt seem to care go figure. We had a Visit one time at Burger King and my 2nd work's next door to it and I didnt think he would be working that time of day so I didnt worry about him seeing us and on his facebook comment that day it said "It's a good thing I keep my back against the wall so I couldnt feel the knife in my back." Okay who backstabbed him? I thought this was a little odd, Then I remembered his Mom said he was working during the days now, Could he have been working that day and seen me and my 1st love together? Oh crap I didnt think about that. Me and my 1st was back to the same old tricks again so I ended it after a night he came up here late at night after I told him no he still showed up and he was drunk and higher than a Kite, My dad came outside and told him to leave and of course they got into a fight and you can imagine the rest, Things just never get better for me.

 

My 2nd EX- Went for another Year on the Protective Order okay fine whatever you want keep ignoring me if that makes you feel better and sleep better at night go on keep acting like the Victim I think you just enjoy the attention and everyone feeling sorry for you, Oh duh he does. I was glad to be rid of him on Facebook I was tired of the drama and I was sick of people telling me everything  he say's about me, I stillwanted to know why? I still wanted some kind of closure. I did deserve that? So I had to come up with these idea's in my head to why it happened like he used me for experience, he planned it, it was a plot and after awhile I had those thoughts buried so deep in my head I actually started thinking they were true. A whole Year I waited for him hoping he would come back, hoping he would see his error's and want me back but apparently his life is much better now and he realized he dont need me anymore he's happier without me and you dont know how much it hurts to see him happy and I'm miserable, crying myself to sleep, trying so hard to commit suicide, slowly falling apart and nothing I did could stop it, I was still seeing my Psychiatrist every month, I even started my own diary something to help write my thoughts down if I held it all inside I would end up mad, I even thought of checking mysef into a Insane Hospital thinking that here soon I would go insane if I havent already, My 2nd love was driving me insane I hated him for ignoring me, hated him for betraying me, I hated him and yet I loved him at the same time and wanted him back wanted him to start missing me, But he didnt. He actually moved on and pretended like I never existed even said on Facebook he wished he never met me, Ouch can you say Burn??? I know sometimes I say mean things about him to be truthful I was the one who started it I was so mad at him and I wanted him to know how much he made me mad and he spit back fire with fire and it only made me more mad soon we were like 2 teenagers fighting on Facebook, I think sometimes he actually enjoyed my pain, enjoyed seeing me suffer, I was so depressed for about a Year 1/2 I posted sad quotes, sad songs, I was hurt and I didnt care who knew it, He ignored my pain but when I was angry with him and I cussed and cursed his name, He done the same to me, He never once said he missed me, he never once tried to contact me, Oh no he ignores me. And you dont know how much that hurts.

 

Its been almost 2 Years- I'm still depressed but learning to manage it I am trying to enjoy life I might be dying on the inside but on the outside I learned to accept it as part of my life I dont let anyone get too close to me anymore, Some say I have turned cold hearted but its my way of protecting myself from this happening again. I know I made some really bad choices in my life and now I have to live with them everyday,  I just learned to accept it. Cry when I feel like it, Smile when I feel like it and I still have days where I wake up and feel like crap and I have days where I wake up and feel fine. I no longer cry myself to sleep over him, I no longer give him the control to hurt me, Although some of the things he says and writes about me kills me inside but I have to learn to accept it, Thats him thats his way of showing how much of an asshole he really is his way of making people feel sorry for him by acting like the Victim, He always did enjoy making people feel sorry for him, Well now he has his wish, He has everything handed to him on a golden platter and in the mean time I'm the one affected by it, I'm the one who has to live with his choices the one who suffer's behind closed doors and to the outside world I just look all happy and enjoying life, Look again!!!  I was too stupid to listen to my gut feeling's and get away when I had the chance, You know its true what they say "Love is Blind" or maybe for me "Love dont exist" There is no happy endings for me, My Life aint no f**king love story where we break up and he realizes he was wrong and comes running back I have waited a whole Year for him I cursed him name, I cried for him, I was so mad at him I could spit nails, I learned to forgive him but I'll never forget, Maybe in time I'll forget maybe I'll learn to be happy again but how can someone be happy when they lost everything that ever meant anything to them? I lost my Kids, My world, My heart and my soul GONE!!!!!!!!!! How can I be f**king happy? HOW??? I have nothing to be happy about, I wish everyday I was dead, I wish I had enough courage to just end it, end the pain, end the suffering, end it forever, I cant I have 2 Boys to think about, 2 Boys who loves me and needs me, So everytime I think of ending it I think of 2 those Boys and I feel strong again, I think about how it would affect them when they get Older, I dont know my purpose on this world I dont think any of us really know our true purpose but I know I wasnt put here to do down without a fight, I'll fight for my Kids, I'll win them back if it kills me, I dont know how, I dont know when but one day I'll be joined with my Kids again, But until then I die a little everyday without them, I miss hearing my Oldest say "Mommy", I miss hearing my Youngest laugh, I miss being a Mommy so much it kills me, Its an unbearable pain like someone is ripping your chest out every single day, If any of you knows that feeling then welcome to my world, THIS IS MY LIFE, Imagine dealing with that pain everyday, every time you close your eyes you feel like someone is ripping you apart piece by piece and they are sitting back watching you suffer and they enjoy it and the people who enjoy it is my EX's.

 

A long while back maybe a few months not sure how long exactly, I got this strange out of the blue Friend Request on Facebook I didnt recognize the name but I thought maybe it was my Friends from the games I play on the Internet or maybe an old Friend I forgot about who found me but I couldnt think how I knew them, To be honest, I didnt. After awhile I forgot he was even there and we were still Friends I guess it didnt cross my mind anymore or it wasnt important enough to even concern myself with, But now I admit it's been bothering me I think this person is not who he appears to be or pretending to be, I cant understand how my EX knows everything I post on Facebook when its Friends Only and he blocked me he cant see anything I post, To him I dont exist which thats how he wanted it right? I am not Friends with his Friends none of my Friends or Family even associate with him.  This ghost person I call him has no profile pic, no family, his only Friend is me I mean dont you think thats a little odd? I do, I admit it bothers me. I even tried deleting him once and 5 minutes later I got a Friend Request from who else "ghost person", Who the heck is he and who did he think he was? I thought maybe I had a little stalker, I couldnt understand how my EX still knew everything I wrote, It was bugging me, It felt as if he was keeping tabs on me by pretending to be this person, Freaky. Then I remember him telling me long ago "If you ever leave me I'll make your life a living hell and I'll never leave you alone." OMG!!! Did he really mean it? I mean he acts as if he hates my guts I mean if you really love someone you wont hurt them ever, And I admit he was hurting me, He broke my heart in a million pieces and put it back together again and did it again, I mean the talking trash about me, Cant even look at me, If anyone should hate anyone I should hate him dont you think? I should be the one who's mad, I am believe me I have those days when I hate his guts, And then the days where I wish I could watch him suffer like he done to me, Watch him beg on his hands and knee's for me to come back into his life, But I know deep inside he wont he's happy now, He got what he wanted. Anyways, Back to ghost person I got tired of Facebook after awhile and deactivated it I hated it about 10 minutes after doing it but it seemed all it did was cause me problems and I was tired of it, I deleted and blocked ghost person, About a week later I reactivated it I guess I was addicted to Facebook and sometimes I played games on it and it was the only way to keep in contact with my Family member's apparently they never heard of a phone huh? Gotta love the net nowadays huh? So much easier, I was curious and looked up ghost person and noticed he had another account same person except his name last was spelled different just some of the letter's was twisted around and I thought "Oh you sneaky little s.o.b." I couldnt believe it, I laughed at first I thought maybe it was just a coinicidence but this was the first time I ever typed his name in and seen the same name but last name was spelled different, I was curious about ghost person I checked out his profile, I typed his name plenty of times in the search bar but never seen this name come up, OMG I couldnt believe the gull of this guy, No profile pic, No friends, Same birthday, But last name spelled different just some of the letter's was rearranged OMG I couldnt believe it, So I unblocked him waited to see if he would add me back, Too my surprise he didnt, So I played along and added him back it wasnt 3 minutes until we were Friends again that was fast. So I made up a fake profile myself used my secondary email that my EX didnt know about or wouldnt even think it was me I was a little smarter than he thought I was, Made up a person, Added some people, Found a profile pic on the net, Checked out his profile through this other profile a few times I guess I was curious to see what he was up too, Still talking trash about me, I seen a couple pic's of our Son and him not very many which that surprised me I had over 4,000 pics on mine of my Kids, I was tormenting myself doing this, I just hurt myself all over again reading what he wrote about me tore me apart, How can he hate me so much? Why does he act as if I'm the one to blame? What does he think I'm not allowed to be mad? I have every right to be mad at him he destroyed my life, What gives him the right to tell me what to do? Who did he think he was? I noticed he responded to what I would write on Facebook for the longest time him and my Mom were Friends and if I wrote something that made him mad believe me I knew about it, I heard about it and he seemed to stay mad at me for Weeks or he would punish me and not let see my Son, How low is that? Heartless prick, After awhile he made my mad Mom she was tired of him trash talking him he really got on my Mom's last nerve and she ripped him one so he blocked her, Kinda childess aint he? Yes I agree and he calls me childess, Ha, For a long time when him and my Mom were Friend's me and him constantly was fighting over Facebook he said something to make me mad and I ripped him a new one and he done the same to me and we just went on and on and on until I got tired of it, I was tired of the mental abuse, the trash talking I snapped and told him off I couldnt take anymore and since he blocked me I knew he wouldnt see it but somehow he did "ghost person". I signed into my other profile it was me just a different name and I seen he posted "Been up for 4 hours on facebook just sitting here, but its okay." He was still awake, Did he know I was still online and wondering what I was up too? So I posted it I told him off, I told him to stop with the trash talking, I told him he no longer had the power to hurt me, I was moving on, I was so much better off without him "yeah good for me right?" NO it was the worst thing to do he ended up changing his posts to "Friends Only" it mightve been for the best I could no longer see what he posted, And after awhile I didnt care, I deactivated my fake profile and I felt a feeling of peace wash over me, I felt a stone was lifted from my chest, I moved on, But I still felt I wasnt at peace I always found myself wondering if he still continued to bad mouth me even after I told him off, He didnt seem to act like he cared but I knew he was mad, I even called his Mom and told her about the bad mouthing he acted like he done nothing wrong he was yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs to the point my Mom could even hear him and she wasnt the one on the phone she just looked at me as if to say "Whoa is that him yelling?." He was acting all crazy because I called him out on something he was caught red handed, His Mom asked if I had proof I said "Yeah I am sitting here now staring at it." I didnt think about it until now "copy,paste, print" stupid me I didnt think he would go this far but he deleted it the post it was gone, I was shocked, He made me look like I was the crazy one that I was the liar, I felt so low and disgusted with myself, Why didnt I print it? I couldve taken it to the Authories but would they really listen to me? I was nothing in their eyes and they made me feel that way, How was I suppose to stop him and his mental abuse towards me when he was the one with the Protective Order? What was I to do? Maybe that's why I didnt print it what good would it do? He seemed to get away with anything, He lied in Court over and over again, He even Purged and my Lawyer called him out and the Judge let him walk away with his pride still intact, OMG are you kidding me?.  Ghost Person is still on my Facebook him and my EX has no much in common no wonder I think its my EX they both like the same pages on Facebook, they both have the same twisted sense of humor, My Mom even said the same thing one day I told her about ghost person, My Cousin even thought the same when I told her, It freaked them out and it freaks me out. So I tested him "ghost person" I liked a comment about Narciccists how to tell the signs of them and I noticed Ghost person posted a quote that said "F**k you." And on my EX's profile was a picure saying "2 words 1 finger" it was his profile pic, WTF? It happened the same day within the same hour, I was really starting to wonder "Ok ghost person who the heck are you?." He wont talk to me, He has liked a few of my posts, he dont play no games, no profile pic its like he's a ghost literally, I have tried to talk to him and he gets offline, Its driving me crazy so I choose to ignore it, If its really my EX why? Why does he care what I post or what I say? Then I thought if it was you what would you do? Wouldnt you be a bit curious? I admit it I was I done the same thing made up a fake person I was curious to see what he wrote, But after awhile he just kept hurting me and I couldnt take no more I snapped, If he claims to hate me so much and he acts as if he's over me, Why? I cant think of anything other thing to say then Why?. You have to admit it's freaky. So freaky I am scared to get on my Facebook anymore, If i talk to my Family I message them, I dont post anything that would make him mad, I have to guard my words, I feel like I am my EX's prisoner, Bound to him for life, If you dont do what I say you wont see your Son, You make me mad I'll let you know I'm mad somehow I'll get you back for it, I claim I hate your guts, I act like I hate your guts, I trash talk you, I know I'm hurting you but I made up a fake profile so I can sit back and watch you suffer, I enjoy your pain, your tears I enjoy knowing I won "Yep sounds like him." I admit I am guilty of the fake profile too I was hoping that one day he would see his error's or maybe I could see a small glipse of hope that somewhere deep inside that Monster he still loved me just a little bit, All I got was hurt over and over again he hurt me. Why? I cant figure him out. What's his problem? Why is he acting as if I done something wrong? He lied about me he should be the one who is at fault here not me, He pushed me away, He dug this grave and now he can lay in it too.

 

My 1st Love- Oh he came crawling back started flirting with me at the Visits and using our Child to make me feel bad about not wanting us to be together he would say things like "Mommy could see you more often but she dont want me anymore" or he would go as low as using our Son to hook us back up again he would have my Son say to me "Mommy, Daddy still loves you. Be his girlfriend again." I was shocked, Using your own child to make me feel bad WTF? His advances was starting to get on my nerves I thought this was over, I thought after almost 3 Years he would be over me and here he was trying to get me back I thought maybe he was stupid or just....Ok stupid for thinking I would give him another chance after he had the chance to stand up for me in Court and tell the Judge he knew for a fact I was a good Mom and he thought all this Custody crap was just a joke and I deserved to be in my child's life, I didnt want around him I wanted nothing to do with him. I was so hurt over my Second I wanted so bad to hurt him to get back at him, So I started playing the same game my EX played with me, I wanted to show him how it felt to be used, to be lied too, to think you could be together again and just turn my back and walk away, I wanted to screw with his mind and I did and oh I loved it, I enjoyed it, I enjoyed tormenting him, Making him think I wanted him back and then next week I ignored him or wouldnt talk to him, Oh yeah I learned how to play his games and I did and he was dumb enough to fall for them, Infact even now he keeps crawling back, I took him back I felt pity for him just as long as he doesnt start bawling he was so pathetic, I knew he was playing me, The way he acted at the Visits when Mom would take a picture of us together he acted like he was caught red handed of course he wanted no pictures of us "evidence" he even went as low to ask me if I would delete them so I said "Why? You scared your girlfriend might see them." He said "No I am scared my Mom would see them." Whoa I didnt think of that he had a point, But if he loved me and wanted me as much as he said Why would he care what she thought? Ahh starting to make sense now, He's nothing but a Player and I played him back, I used him disgusting as that sounds I let him inside me again I didnt enjoy being with him anymore I got nothing from it, felt nothing but disgust and hatred I felt dirty and I couldnt wait until he was done and would get the f**k off me, I hated his touch it burned my skin, I hated his kisses it was like poison, I hated him, I finally hated him and damn that felt good, It's been almost a Year since we been together I guess he caught on maybe I thought wrong about him maybe he really isnt that stupid or is he? He still is trying to get back with me even now, Its like you didnt figure it out the first time how stupid are you? You keep coming back for more. Your so much like me, I remember I was like that, I remember I bawled my eyes out for him, I remember I couldnt sleep at night because of him and now I had my chance to watch him suffer and I loved it, Karma really is a bitch and so am I. But who I was really hurting here him or me? I wanted us to be together to make it work for the sake of our Son, I tried for Years and I got tired of trying, Its not worth it anymore we are not meant to be together, Move on.

 

After awhile of being alone of realizing this was my life, I started thinking a lot about my choices I dont regret having my Kids they are my World I just wish I was a little bit smarter, Waited a bit longer, I learned that not everyone is who they claim to be, Everyone will hurt you, There is people in the world today so heartless, so uncaring they can hurt someone and just turn their backs like it never happened and never cry one tear, ever I wish I was more like that, I wish that everytime I got my heart broke I could walk away and act like it never mattered, That I didnt give it all I had and stood back and watch it being ripped apart in front of my face, I gave them everything and in return they gave me nothing the only thing I got good from my EX's was my Kids that was the only good thing they ever done for me and then they took them away from me, Turned my world upset down, Destroyed my life, Broke me into a million pieces and I HATE THEM SO MUCH!!! I want to watch them suffer, I want my chance to destroy their world, take everything they love away from them, I'll never have that chance, I dont know if I believe in Karma anymore feel's like she's too busy smacking me around lately, Seems like if I think I'm doing the right thing it comes back and smacks me, Wow talk about bad luck huh?. Maybe I am too nice, Or maybe I am the type who just seems like the assholes fall for quicker or maybe I need to higher my standards and not let people walk all over me, Stop being the nice girl and start showing how cold hearted I can be show them the monster they created, the cold hearted side of me who dont give a f"*k what they do to me I still come out looking shiny and bright, Why do I always fall for the assholes?. Why do I think I am the type of person who deserves love? I just want to be loved is that too much to ask for, I want a Man who really truly loves me and would never hurt me or never want to see me cry, Ever! I heard so many promises, So many times I been told I love you and I'll never hurt you and look what happened. I gave them everything, I treated them like Gold and then they hurt me, Why??? Is it something about me? Is there something wrong with me? I cant understand this, Any of it. So here I'm writing this blog, My honest to God truth my story, My side  of the story not my EX's but mine. This is what I suffered through for 17 Years of my life, My struggle. And hopefully one day will become a story of Success, My Story of how I healed and learned to move on, Learned to become who I was meant to be in this life, Learned to hold my head up high wipe away those tears and say "No more! I'm done. I have suffered enough." If everything didnt seem to always go wrong for me maybe I could just once be happy to finally enjoy life like I deserve too. To be with my Kids again, To be in their life again, To be a Mother, To maybe one day wake up beside someone who really honest to God loves me. Do I deserve that? Do I still have that chance at happiness? Do I have the chance to be happy again? I might not think that way now, But hopefully one day, I will.

 

I feel like I was blackmailed by the People I thought I could trust, People who call themselves "Government" People who said they would be there for me when I needed them and they turned their back on me, People I thought was my Friend's and they turned on me, All I have is my Family, My Kids I need to stay strong, But sometimes being strong is harder than it should be and its a daily struggle. I feel so walked on, I feel I cant trust anyone, What kind of life is that?.  Not a life if you ask me. Everyday I wake up to new battles either with myself or the one's who want nothing more than to see me suffer, The One's who are making my life a nightmare and I admit they did, I have nightmares terrible one's, I wake up in the middle of the night screaming tears rolling down my face, I miss my Kids. I hate myself for losing them for being so stupid and not seeing the signs that were right in front of my face, Stupid for thinking these 2 Men ever loved me. I just want to be happy again I just want my Kids in my life again, I need them and they need me. I am a little scared to post this, Scared my EX might see this and know it's me I'll pay for it big time if he does, But this is my story not his, This is what really happened to me the one he call's a psycho, a monster, the one he call's crazy, And if only he knew I'm this way now because of him I loved him so much that when he talked down about me I believed it, I thought for awhile maybe he's right, But I know better I'm not going to let myself be tortured by him, to be ridiculed by him, to be forever his Prisoner, I hold the key to my Future, My Life not him. I am better than the version of me he think's I am let him think what he wants I am not the person he says I am, I'm better than that. Everyday I say that to myself "I'm good enough!! I'm better than that!! I'm not those nasty things he say's about me." I just dont know if I believe it or not. But my loved one's are my Support they know the real me they have fought beside me, They have seen my tears and my struggles and it affects them too especially my Mom imagine losing your Grandkids because of a lie, Becasue your own daughter was black mailed, Imagine that. I fell in love with 2 Narciccists imagine that, I never knew the signs of a Narciccists now I know what to look for, Its scary to think I loved 2 of them. OMG!!! Kinda hard to believe.

 

The End Imagine that 17 Years of all this suffering and I couldve been smarter and saved myself. Lesson Learned.