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20
Nov

Snowball Effect

This is my first post on here. I was searching for a way to let out my frustration, anger, and disappointment. There was no one I can really turn to. Surely many of you can relate- anyway...

 

Today has been horrible and it is only noon. Depression has a stronger grip on me today than most days, but thus far I have held on without even letting a single tear fall! Still, it is hard trying to realize that your dream may be out of reach. Ever since I was a young girl, for as long as I can remember, I have always loved wildlife. The hope of being able to save them, be among them, that sense of freedom, of nature, and the love of other creatures is what drove me on. No matter how far down I fell, I kept walking because this dream of mine is everything and it is what I live for. I feel like it is also something I have to do,  a calling that is so strong it feels instinctual.

I have to realize that dream may never be reality. In order to save wildlife as I dream, I need an education. That costs money. I have made it this far, but not being able to get a loan or scholarship makes things much more difficult. Not only that, but I must transfer. In order to do so, I must bring my GPA up to a certain point by the end of next semester. So far, it is not going well. I have to earn As in order to bring it up high enough. I have exhuasted all other options and talked to everyone I could. I live and breathe school, yet most of the time I find myself staring at my computer screen all day and accomplishing absolutely nothing! It is not that I am procrastinating. I sit there and stare at my work, unable to think through this fog in my mind. The only thoughts I pick out are millions of, "I'm tired, I don't want to do this, what if this, what if that, I wish someone could help me do this, I don't feel well, I need to eat." My mind races with thoughts such as those and darker ones. It makes it even harder to concentrate.

Today, I went to get tutoring. I thought having someone go over the work would help me. I normally do not pay attention in class no matter how hard I try. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was younger, but that was a long time ago. Not sure if it would still be relevent. Anyway, turned out the tutor cancelled and I never recieved a notification. I was already not wanting to go, but that just made it worse. That was the last slot available to tutoring in my particular chem class.  Then I go to check my grades since my professor said he would post our exam grades from this morning soon and I was one point shy of an A. Unfortunately, that will not put me where I need to be. After all those hours of studying, and I am still not doing good enough. My score was only two points above class average...

I keep trying so hard, and I am sitting her wanting to keep trying but it is like there's a broken gear in my brain that is not turning, or a chunk is missing. I have no where to go right now and nothing to do but wait for my next class. I decided to sit in the back of the library so I would be away from other people. This is  not like me at all, but I think knowing and trying to accept that I will not be able to transfer is really effecting me. I have started shutting out all of my friends... again. I usually do when I get upset. I start feeling insignificant, and when one thing goes wrong everything goes wrong. So one bad even starts making me think they do not want to talk to me, or do not have enough time for me, or don't really care. I try to tell myself it's just me, but that's easier said than done. It's that whole snowball effect thing. One event, one small thing spirals downward and keeps growing. It keeps rolling down the hill, getting bigger and bigger and more difficult to stop.

Once I find out if I transfer or not, I will probably be facing the most difficult time in my life. Losing the one thing that kept me going all this time through everything. I thought about trying to take meds again too. It's just that everytime I go see a psychiatrist I end up on all this medication that makes me sick everytime I forget a dose. Then, I get paranoid about it ever since my dad told me that it would do weird things to me and then kill me, and it has stuck with me all these years! At first I thought, heh, I'll take the risk, I have nothing to loose. Now, I have developed tunnel vision for my dream and I avoid anything and everything that is a potential obstacle for achieving it.

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