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Sometimes when you're sad you get happy, and sometimes you just get depressed. Life is difficult that way, some people say that everything happens for a reason but I don't think that's true. I think people have a course in life and several people fall off their course. Some fall off and never return, some never fall off the track (or until later in life.), some fall off the path and make it back, and some try to get back on track and end up suffering from  depression. That's me I've been depressed since I was seven but I have been clinically depressed for almost five years. Life is so difficult, you get so many different obstacles to overcome. I have been hit, bruised, raped, lied to, cheated on, verbally abused, and I've dealt with bullies. I've had to deal with the destruction of myself, and the battle between wanting to live ad be happy, and wondering when I can leave his earth. One of my suicide attempts was a success for about five minutes, I have experienced death and am not afraid. But I also dont believe its my time yet, I don't want to commit suicide or try again. But I'm tired of feeling like nothing is getting better. Because it's not I feeling like I'm drowning with all I have to do. My mental health is important to me, so thats my top priority is to be happy. So if I feel tired I'll sleep hungry I eat, I go to work, I do school work, but I refuse to spread myself so thin as I once was. So I will only do what I know, or what isn't hard. If its hard I will drop or lighten my load by postponing things. But lately I feel like my load is light, I work and do light cleaning at home, I do school work when I’m at school and get things done. But I'm still not happy, because now I'm not happy with what's not getting done. I need to sweep, do dishes, laundry, cat boxes, vacuum, take SATS, and i'm not going to college next year because I can't pay for it and I’m not ready. I feel like with every tiny accomplishment I make there's another big failure to ruin my happiness. I don't really have friends to talk to at school, I’m kind of a loner. I do have “friends” but we don't really talk unless we’re hanging out. My dad is busy working and getting ready for marriage number three, and my mom and I don't really talk. She works all the time or is sleeping, and with the time change we can't really talk much. I actually texted her yesterday and she told me shes on the plane to go to china. I guess I forgot she was going. I miss her and how things used to be with my parents caring about me and hating each other. Rather than them doing things, moving on with their spouses and leaving me to deal with everything else. Honestly I just want to cry and I've felt like this “on the verge of tears.” for the past few days now. I just want things to get better, but the waiting is what might kill me before I can. I want my suffering to be over , I want friends that want to talk to me, I want a guy who thinks it’s cute when I fangirl over a book or song. I want someone who likes my weirdness because it matches their, I want my life to change.
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