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when your resolve, will power and hope is gone

May 11th, 2011

(kinda my frist prober blog (if you can call it that) but i hear it helps......2 things tho...1, im not sure what im doing or how to express and 2, my spelling sucks so i apolitjise in advance (not like many people are gonna read but w/e)

For a few years now i have been in a hole bound by chains and slowly breaking....my work, family, lack of socal life and alowing fear,lazyness, guilt and despear take hold. I use to be able to deal with these things (by that i mean ecnore and push them to one side) Id get so down and depressed but a reset button would go off in my head and i would be ok(ish) again. That button no longer works....the pressure has been building, i have long given up strugging and resisting. I feel my life has stoped and that im slipping deeper into a hole. I look at people and envy them for being able to do things that are second nature to them but so alien to me.....soical interectsion, relatsionships, managing there life and money, knowing what they want in life and just doing it. Being not to far of 30 i have realised my younger days are gone and that i never took advanage of my teens or 20's and lived them to the fullest....i also never pre-paired or plained for a better future or goal and part of me belives it to be to late. I worry for my family and how they are turning out and my job of 11 years depresses the hell outta me (and with the credit cruch and all i now find myself stuck there)....i have alotta fear and guilt and cant push myself ta break these chains that hold me in place.  Theres alot more i haven said or explained but i have ta get ready for my shift so mybe i'll do a few more these blog things in time (i im in noway saying im worse off then anyone else cause im not.....i just dont know what ta do....my modavision ta try is gone and my ability ta cope gets worse weekly....i have noone irl i can talk to and the people closest to me (other then family) are online and have there own things ta deal with. Well time to get ready tc all.


 

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