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Looking them in the eye

The brass is cold to the touch...even colder than I had expected. The urge to open the heavy dark wooden door came suddenly. The knob turns....slowly....and the door clicks open. What will I find in the confines of this dark and cold room. The shadows of days gone by....of years of failure and self chastisement.


It is bitter sweet...finally acknowledging that I suffer from depression. Always said its only in ones head and can be cured through positive thinking and applying the law of attraction. But experience has proven otherwise.


My condition only recently took a turn for the absolute worst. But I guess I have been depressed since before my teen years. I am 36 now and terrified of growing old. I had so many dreams and have achieved non of them. I am stuck in this dark cold hard place with no hope of getting out.


My depression worsened about a year ago when my marriage started falling apart. I have 3 young kids and they are my life. I probably would have ended my life long ago had it not been for them.


My marriage probably started falling apart due to the job I hold. I run a company which is in continuous financial trouble...and I have a director who is killing me inside. With a constant focus in what is wrong and forever being negative and criticising others I went from a fairly happy individual who felt like I was achieving in my career to a person who now believed that they are useless and does more wrong than right. I am expected to confront people and crap on them....but I simply cant. It is not that I dont want to....I cant! I become extremely anxious at the thought of comfronting people. I would much rather help a person that critisize them. This director forever wants disciplinary action and issuing of warnings.


The truth is: I have no back bone and cannot stand up for anything or to anyone. I would rather lie to someone than have the possibility of maybe hurting their feelings or me getting into trouble. It is pathetic I know. But there...I said it. Have been thinking it all my life.


I try to achieve things in life....recently pursued my singing talent....but I dont believe....truly believe...that I am good enough. I cant read music....my singing is only part great. I give up easily. I am a useless quitter. Probably lazy too.


I tried to control my body...and lost 16kg in 6 months. Then I also quit smoking and felt finally I achieved something. But since I quit smoking I started eating more and have been gaining weight. I cant go back to being fat again. Never! I dont want to start smoking again. Hell...I need to at least achieve one thing in my cursed life.


I have a dream of having my own business. I know what the competitive edge is....but I dont make time to get it off the ground because deep down I believe that this too will fail. Nothing turns out to be a success in my life and what example am I setting for my kids. God forbid that they turn out to be as useless as their father!


I am stuck with no way out...I am in too deep and cannot find even a glimmer of hope that things could change. It is the saddest day of my life. Before, I still had hope and could look forward to better days. But hope has disappointed . It is like an internal lie we feed ourselves to get through another day. But all it is is a mind mirage. Some people strike it lucky...or have the right dna...or received a backbone. I, for one, used to believe that I was destined for greatness....and here I am today with no hope. It is the worst place to be in.


So I have opened the door to the dark and cold room of my inner self. And the shadows are lurking in the dark. And once the door has opened it can not be shut....only in death will there be peace again.

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