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Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3JF1b5UOT0
I don't know where to start. Online chats normally aren't my thing, but I feel like I just need to know there are real people out there still; I don't have anyone else to tell; and I need to get it out. So here it is.
The past few weeks of my life have been a downward spiral; every breath I take seems to pull me further into the ground.
My 18th birthday was the 20th of last month. Two days before that, I found that my fiancee of two years had been cheating on me the entire length of our relationship. I've been on probation sinse I was 14, and had to move to Florida in Febuary of 2011 before I did jail time for being expelled from school the third time, leaving him behind me.
I ended up living with a family friend; druggy; with a boyfriend who would like to come around in the middle of the night and smash things. The night he told us he was going to drive his truck through my bedroom window, I decided I needed to get out.
My fiancee bought me a bus ticket back to South Carolina. I lost my phone in some kind of drunken incident the night before, so I ended up having to hitchhike to the the bus terminal; when I was finally in his arms again, the police were already looking for me; we hid out in hotel rooms and lived in the woods with people who didn't know our real names; and when we were eventually caught, I went to jail for 4 months so he could be out on the streets; I would do anything for him. So it hit me hard when I had to brake up with him; I just had no idea his reaction would have been to bust in my bedroom window and trap me in my house while he trashed the place and forced me to watch him try to commit suicide. Happy birthday.
My father is the family outcast because of his anger problems. The reason I've been sent to jail so many times is because he simply didn't know how to deal with having a child, and I had no respect for him. He'd rather have me in a cell than in his house one day, and then the next he'll be on his knees begging for me to come home. The reason we moved so far away from all of our relatives in New Hampshire was because they all wanted to take custody; since my mom was too busy drinking herself into seizures to care about keeping me in a stable home.
I had to explain that before I told you about him throwing out of the house so that you'd understand where I'm coming from when I say that there's nothing I can do. The first time he made me leave was two days after my birthday, because of my dog; something petty that wouldn't make sense to any sane minded human being. I stayed with a boy that I met the night of my birthday, trying to fill the hole that my last boyfriend left. I've never been with anyone sexually other than my last boyfriend, so when this new boy got his way into my pants on the third day I stayed there, it was a big deal to me. My dad called me apologizing and asked me to come home, and I didn't hear from that boy again. I felt useless.
I gave my father 700 dollars from my last job to save for me for my first car; this was what got me thrown out the second time. I wanted it back and he told me that he already spent it on me; that I was a selfish bitch for even asking for it; made me leave.
I stayed with a girl I knew for a few weeks, who hid her age and her addiction to crack from me until I was moving in with her. She lost her mind the first night I stayed there and started breaking things, got naked and layed in the road. I packed a bag and planned to leave before the cops showed up; but her 45 year old brother stole my things, locked them in his mothers car and proceeded to pour gasoline over it, demanding for the keys so that he could get out of there and buy more crack. I ran when the police got there, so arrested I was.
My dad refused to bail me out, so their mother had to do it; 250 dollars she's demanding from me now. It took one more night and a few bruises for me to leave that house and beg to come home.
I don't remember what happened to me last night. I was drinking with some friends and woke up this morning in the hosital with burn marks up and down my arms, more cuts and bruises than I had before. They made me leave when I woke up, apparently my father stopped by while I was sleeping to take my cell phone and leave me there. I didn't know where I was and it was downpouring this morning; so I jumped in the car with the first guy to ask if I needed a ride.
I don't smoke Marijuana. I have Post Traumatic stress disorder from an incident that happened to me when I was fifteen; and when I get high I can think myself into a heart attack or stroke. I've been in the hosptial for it three times.
But the rain made me not give a shit when this guy lit up a blunt. I was having an anxiety attack by the time I got home; thinking that my lungs were bleeding; it feels like you're dieing. When I finally calmed down I slept until five, and my dad still hasn't come home. I'm just hoping he wont make me leave.
I don't have anyone to vent to, because no one seems to care; the kind of friends I havewill look at this story and think of it as just another day; probobly try to match me with an equally upsetting pity-me memory. I'm starting to believe them, too. I'm starting to lose hope in anything getting better and just accept that there's no way out.
My dad called me and told me that the reason I was in the hospital last night was because I was trying to jump out of a moving vehicle. I was burning myself and asking to die. I've never been that kind of person; and it scares me.
Someone tell me that the sun will come back tomorrow; that there are answers out there somewhere. Because I've lost all of mine. And I'm starting to rather believe that there's nothing to be found.