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Trying to figure it out

Hi, I'm Brittany. I suffer from depression and anxiety. Unfortunatly I have barely any friends, I'm insecure, hold everything in, and I also don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to go to a doctor or a counselor and talk about my problems because that means my family and what little friends I do have will see the weaker side of me.  I'm tired of always having to hold in my true feelings and secrets. I've written things down in journals but my mom thinks it's okay to go through my stuff when she finds it and what's the point in writing it down for privacy reasons if my mom will just read it, tell my dad, then next thing I know everyone knows! I google searched somethings and found this website! I hope I find some people like me that I can trust and talk to. I'm tired of always feelings broken on the inside, ashamed of what I look like and etc. So, heres a little insight on my story!

I was born in December on a Tuesday. My mother was 17 and my father was 15. My fathers dad had died 2 years prior to that and he wanted me to have a dad so he did the best that he could when I was growing up. I was an only child for 10 years. I got everything I wanted, went everywhere, had tons of friends and I was so pretty as a child. Later on I had to little brothers who I'm so grateful for.<3 I still had many friends and nothing really had changed. I then started to get bullied by kids on the bus. I was in the fourth grade, young, small and didn't stick up for myself. Why would you try to hurt someone so innocent? As the years went on I wasn't bullied but there were still people who might not have liked me. In the 7th grade my best friend at the time told me she was "in love" with someone. I knew she wasn't she was too young. So I lied to her and told her that the boy she liked and I did stuff so I could use myself as an example of a mistake and not to make the same mistake. I knew I shouldn't have done what I did but it was for my friend so it wasn't that bad, was it? She eventually told everyone! People started talking and saying I was a liar and lied about everything. I didn't it was one thing and a hugr mistake! I tried to appologize and move on but everyone just didn't care what I had to say. I soon lost contact with the outside world and lost all my friends as well. I became depressed, alone, sad, and I cried all the time. I dropped out of all the sports I played, which I played for a Junior Olympic Volleyball Team and I played very well for. 8th grade year came, I was alone, no friends and felt awkward. I soon pushed myself to hangout with kids I would've never thought about hanging out with. I came to realize, they're actually really cool! My entire 8th grade year we were friends but I was still depressed and started to eat my feelings so I got a little big. I mean, I wasn't obese or anything but growing up I was a skinny little twig. 8th grade year ended and so did our friendship. Then, my freshman year came. I don't remember much of that year because I was so sad. Having all the upperclassman make fun of me. They'd call me fat, ugly, a liar..I acted like it didn't bother me. I had a cousin who I grew up with because we're only 4 months apart but I didn't like being around her because she was friends with all my old ones and I didn't like how mean she was to everyone. I went to Homecoming with her and her friends that didn't know me, or my past. Of course, they all said they hated me but didn't have a reason to. I felt awkward at the dance and at dinner. I didn't talk to anyone. Later on in the year, I met my best friend, Donielle. She is still my best friend and as we speak (As I type) she's on a plane to fly home from college(: We were friends then lost contact over the summer. My sophomore year started, once again I barely had friends, never talked and I didn't care about my grades. But, I met someone via Facebook. He was a Senior my Freshman year so he had just graduated. I thought he was so cute but he would never go for a girl with a bad past like me. We talked everyday for 6 months (via Facebook). Finally I invited him to my birthday party for my 15th birthday. 12 days later, December 24, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and got butterflies and told my mom instantly! We had a wonderful realtionship and I was inlove for the first time. He mad everything feel so right and I wasn't depressed anymore and I played softball again. I felt insecre tho, he was super tall, 6'4, extremely skinny and I wasn't, I'm 5'2 and average. Even though, he still stayed with me. We broke up the begining of June. I became depressed, cried for days at a time. Stopped going to school, didn't eat for weeks. I tried to hangout with my cousin so I didn't think about it. I started to get over him, or so I told myself I was. While we were broken up I still had contact with him for some reason. I tried to date a friend of mine to stop my heart ache but a month after our break up we decided to get back together. Everything was different. We were still inlove but I couldn't look at him or trust him. Finally I started to trust him more. Everything was absolutely perfect. We had fights sometimes but everyone does. Eventually our fights became an everyday thing. Finally one night before we had Hurricane Sandy he drove home from college and didn't tell me. I hated when he did that because I never get to see him so I told him I was mad, he ignored me for a day after that. I got a call the day after saying he was with another girl. I immediatly called him, broke up with him and threw his stuff in the yard. I was heart broken. I wasn't as sad as I was the first time but I was sad. Oh and not to mention we would fight so much that I tried killing myself one time because I was so unhappy . It's been almost 2 months since we've been seperated. I don't miss him, I miss having someone to talk to. Recently, I started to realize I have NO friends. Other than the one that's flying home. I felt alone. I tried to make more friends but then I heard the things people were saying behind my back. I walk the halls alone, I talk to people in class but I would never talk to them outside of class. I get called fat, ugly. a hoe, a cunt and other things people should never say. I'm trying to find someone to talk to. I just want to be happy. I've been through so much that if I were to type it all out, I could write a book. No lie. Of course I haven't posted it on here yet but I'm sure I will eventually. Sorry all of this is unorganized and doesn't make much sense to you but I had to write down what I've never told anyone....absolutely no one. Someone, please help me from my sad feelings and sad thoughts.

 

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