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Opening up

Welp, it happened.

I just turned 20, never really felt love before and no hope in any future with an s/o. Until this girl came around. This girl made me feel special, liked everything that I liked and it felt like she was into me. I asked her out, she said yes. I asked her out again, she said yes again. We were two dates in, had really great times and we really have a click. But then it happened. She changed her profile picture on whatsapp with a dude. Turns out she's been dating another dude for 5 years, and sees me as her (I think gay) friend.

Morale of the story is: every time I start opening up to people I keep being pushed down. Life doesn't want me to be happy, and I don't want to be happy with life. I guess it's not for everyone..

Opening up sucks, because you let people see your vulnerablities; which can be a good thing because I could freely talk to this girl. But to shoot me down in such a savage way is just plain stupid. I feel like shit for not asking earlier. I don't want to ruin our friendship, but it sucks because I know I can't feel her love. The first person to get me loving again, and genuinely happy. But then again, life/karma doesn't want me to be happy I guess Edit: I'll be slumbering in my self-pity for a bit now, don't mind me

What is this...?

Hey guys,

First of all, I want to wish you all a happy new year and hope you had a wonderful Christmas. My Christmas sucked, and my NYE sucked even more, don't wanna talk bout it.I had another breakdown a few days ago, in which I did some terrible things. Things that are not allowed to be said on this website, but we all know what I talk about...

A few posts back I talked about this girl from my class. I said that I was not able to feel love anymore, and that I never will. It's strange that life has its ups and downs. I too talked about this before, how hard it's becoming that the downs outweigh the ups and that it's becoming harder and harder to recover from that.

Since Christmas however, this girl and me started texting. She told me (as I understood) she had a boyfriend from 5 years ago, and they're still together. I knew I had no shot at all, but it was fun texting her so we kept going. These started to get serious and were hinting towards her liking me. I didn't know what was happening to me. I couldn't get her out of my head. Was she really in to me? Might she be the one who wants to fix me and care enough to help this helpless soul? The answer might be yes. A few hours ago I asked her to get some coffee with me and she didn't even hesitate to say yes. Soooo, i've got my first date ever! Really close to my 20th birthday I got my first date ever! I can't believe this, i'm just so excited!

As I mostly share my negative ideas with you guys, I thought it was time to share some good times with you. I'm keeping you updated on how I handled this social stuff that's going on, and of course the most imporant problem; her boyfriend (or she might not have one, I heard her mentioning him but she never mentioned her to me)

I don't want to be the bad guy who breaks her relationship with her current boyfriend (see above), but I also want myself to be happy and it feels good choosing for myself one time.

 

My point her is that it's so strange that I can hit rock bottom one day, and be excited/full of life a few days later. I guess that is life and I might have to get used to it again.

Thank you for reading and I'll see you guys later!

~Twan

Parenting

Good morning all, I want to write a little bit about my parents.

I come from a mediumsized town/village in the north of the Netherlands, awesome stuff. My dad is a hardworking steelworker whilst my mom is busy teaching kids in primary school. I have told my parents about my depression about 2-3 years ago, when I had already been depressed for some time. I know they know that I am still trying to cope with it all, but in my family we try to oppress the feelings and not talk about it. My mother has demons of her own, amnesia and other health problems have followed her for all her life. My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimers last year (he's only 50). On the outside we look like a normal family, but every house has its problems I guess. We all know about eachothers problems, but we never/rarely talk about it. But I guess that if we would be a little bit more open to eachother we would solve some problems. I tried seeing a therapist some time ago, but I hated it and never went back. So i'm just writing it off, all the stuff I want to say to my parents to random strangers on the Internet instead. Writing stuff off your mind is my therapy (together with alcohol) and it helps me get through the day. I used to collect depressing pictures and quotes a few years back, but I stopped because I could feel so much worse after looking at some of them that I stopped collecting them. Some of them stuck with me, but that's a story for another time. I had class today, and there were 5 of us. There were 4 seats not taken, and 2 above the row. So everyone sat down, I was last to get seated. They all looked at me, so I just didn't even say anything and went a row up and sat alone. Stuff like that, small things remind me of the quotes:

'I'll always be the third wheel'

So after that I went home during the break, without them even noticing. My breakingpoint is getting lower and lower, when small stuff like this can give me breakdowns. It sucks, but at least i'll be home early now (I'm writing this while on the train)

So guys, small story this time. Next time it'll probably be a longer one. Hang in there, and be my fourth wheel that balances my life. See you soon :)

Love

Heya,

I've decided to keep up with this blog I started years ago a little more frequent.

When I started posting here, I think I was 15 or 16. I'm now 19, and I will be 20 next month. People told me things would get better, but they only got worse. Still no love, still not painless, still have the scars, mentally and physically, still my head is a mess, and still im trying to survive in this life, if you can even call this a life.

As stated in my last post, you could hypothetically even say i'm doing fine. Grades are fine, got a renewed contract at work, friends are still shit though. Friends don't put effort in me and they don't try to help or even think about me. I don't blame them, why help something that's already broken or doomed to fail in life. I don't put effort in my friends either, so it's partly to blame on myself. It's not helping at all. Being under the people is hard, it really is. Getting on a train or talking to strangers is hard, I just say stupid stuff and make a fool out myself so I try to stay inside as much as possible. Alienation was my favorite word when I started this blog at 15/16, and I guess alienation still applies a lot to my life. Alienation to the people, alienation from things I used to like, alienation from my family and most importantly, alienation to love. I'm becoming unable to love, or to feel love(d).

I graduate next february from my university at an exceptionally low age of only 20. My fellow students are alright, but I don't really like talking to them. As I said, they don't want anything from me, I don't want anything from them, just like my friends back at home. But, there is this girl. This one girl that talks a lot, especially to me. I've known her for a week or five, and only learned her name last week, when I finally asked her name and she thought I was silly for not asking her name before (forgot it when we had to introduce herself) She is a ghost on the internet, no social media of any kind. I'm not going to deny it, I like her. I like talking to her. We walked to the trainstation together today, and I liked it. She makes me feel alright. I don't know what it is about her, she makes me feel like everything's going to be okay.

But still, I know I can never be with her. I'm too broken inside to feel anything. I won't allow such an innocent and perfect person into my life, I will suck her down into my hellhole called life. I won't allow such a person to waste herself by loving me. I might be too harsh on myself, but I decided to not get attached to people while I'm a mess myself. So everytime I see her, I say stupid stuff. Just plain stupid stuff about life. Stuff that makes me cringe and her cringe, and not get attached. You can even say it's a defensive mechanism. I'm not allowing myself to love other people for my depression and thoughts might be contageious to other people.

Well guys, this is my weekly post again,
I really hope I reach you people with whatevery kind of rant/life experience post this was.

~Twan

Social gatherings

Heya,

I know i've been slacking to post in the past few times, and I don't know why. You could even say i'm doing quite alright. My last post is from august, which means feeling numb outweighs feelings down.

I just came from a birthday of my uncle who lives close by. It was fun seeing my family again after some time. But social gatherings in general sucks. Everytime I meet up with people, I feel fine, sort of. I can even sometimes enjoy myself. But the next day, life and karma catches up with me again, and drags me down to this shithole called life. Every. Goddamn. Time. It seems everytime I make an effort to forget about life for a while (he, Billy Joel ref), life tries to get me down to my shittiest point. I'm getting tired of recovering from these points. I don't even want to try anymore.

I seem to be drinking more and more, trying to cope with it all. Not only drinking in the weekends, but also throughout the whole week. I know it isn't right, but I don't care anymore. Drinking makes me forget, so why should I stop.

Btw, my school is doing fine. I seem, even to myself, to be doing fine. My grades are good, perspective is awesome, and i'm enjoying my classes. But still it feels something is wrong or off. As I said before, my karma is catching up with me. Being fine should be compensated with being down. But the being down parts are outweighing the good parts more and more. I don't know how much longer i'm able to cope with this. With my dad being sick, I know I have to be strong, but I don't want to anymore. Just want to end it all.

Hang in there fellas, try as long as I try.

~Twan

 

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