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major depression (triggers)

Yeah.  I have that.  For my entire life.  In a year I've been told I have two different personality disorders and I've been in a major depressive state for almost a decade.  I've been actively suicidal for the last year.  i'm doing the meds.  i'm going to the doctors.  I am trying.

I am obsessed with death, with dying, with razor blades.  I went to the gun shop a month ago.  There's no waiting period in my state.  I can have one the same day.  I want to eat a bullet.  I want to bleed to death.  I'm obsessed with my own death, even with all of the trying, all of the work.  All I can think of is how to die.  So I hold a razor to my wrist and I hope I have the guts to do it this time.

This journal will not be linked with facebook.  It will not be sent to my friends.  If you read it, you'll be the only one.

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