wow i hate my life. you know i did well, like 7th best in the year and i'm still depressed. i was so proud of my results, so is my dad, shame about the rest of my family.. all i wanted was a well done, that's all i wanted, i wanted someone to be proud of me and the effort i put into it, but no. this next bit may trigger, so don't read it if you're too depressed.

.. but i'm so close to suicide right now, i've already cut but only with scissors, it just isn't working, not giving me the same feeling as it used to, it's not enough anymore. i was so happy earlier you know, now i just want to walk for 5mins to the cliffs and jump off, and to drown, or hit a rock and bleed to death, anything really.

i wish my mum knew, about everything, i love her, but i'd love to see her face absolutely wrecked when i showed her marks and told her about the suicial thoughts. i want people to feel bad i guess, maybe i'd feel better then.

i'm so scared right now, i don't even know why i'm writing this, i need my boyfriend here, i'd tell him but i think if he saw me now he'd finally realise how bad i was getting and i think that might kill him and i can't do that to him. [he's the only one who knows about my depression.]

 i'm just sitting here thinking what's the point of life? i don't care about anything anymore, i even question how much i love family and my boyfriend now, and most of all whether they love me, but of course they couldn't because i'm such a waste of space, what's the point of me even being here tomorrow?

 yes okay i will cheer up.. but for how long? this is always going to be with me, and i don't want go through it anymore. if i could stop crying it would be one thing.

i suppose this blog is calming me down though, the suicide urge has lowered and crying does get it out of my system, i am trying to look on the positives, but it's really hard. i'm going to go read a book to escape from my life, or maybe just watch a rubbishy tv programme with icecream.

hope your day was better than mine.

SuicidalS.