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11/27/12

Permalink 09:50:20 am, by candy Email , 380 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: candy

Pretense

I've been hiding under a mask my whole life. Sometimes Im not even sure what mask I'm wearing. Insecurity envelops me. Ive been told I have nothing to be insecure of yet this insecurity never goes away. Other than a lot of common stuff, Im insecure of happiness mainly. A good feeling scares me. The fear that it'll go away like everything pleasant scares the hell out of me. Can you imagine? Not enjoying bliss cuz of the constant fear that it'll be taken away. The constant anxiety. Okay, I got sidetracked. Lets get back to the pretense situation. Im not saying im two faced or anything. I wear a different mask around different people. I want to have someone in my life who I can be naked around (in the figurative sense) Someone I can share my depression problems with and not feel weak. I dont like telling people that im miserable or lonely or depressed. I dont want pity. I dont like admitting I need help. I just dont. Even when I laugh and giggle and appear to be content, there's a little part of me that acknowledges that im not truly happy. One has to keep appearances. Thats where pretense comes along. Sometimes you gotta pretend to be bubbly. No one likes a moaner. Its true. Why am I not truly happy? My blogs to come will reflect the multiple reasons. I want a feeling of familiarity. Someone close, someone genuine, something meaningful, something worth living. I dont have many close friends. I have many but none I can have a heart to heart conversation with. I dont wanna think or believe that maybe the fault lies in me. That maybe I dont let people get close. I am flawed but a perfectionist. Haha, maybe thats a flaw. Does that make sense? I dont know. Ah, I dont know a lot of stuff. I wanna be sure of stuff. I hit rock bottom because of a bad, self-destructive relationship. It may seem petty but it took me a lot of time to get over it. Im still not over the hurt but it gets better everyday. I want blogging to be an outlet. I desperately need one. It could be a gateway to discovering and healing myself.

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