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Borderline Personality Disorder

I think i have it. Well there's no doubt about it in my head really. I've researched it a lot and it is me down to a t.

You know today was an ok day. There's a guy who i have known since the start of uni last year and we have gotten to be really good friends. We still talk quite a lot even though i left uni at the beginning of the month (due to my depression). But he was always the one to be very enthusiastic towards me making the first move always talking/texting first and we started talking like all day every day. He told me he had feelings for me, but it was just friendship for me. he understood that and we still spoke all the time. however i started to feel something more for him and i hinted to him that i might feel something more but still didnt want a relationship. I guess i was scared really scared and because i felt i was such a mess i didnt want to bring anyone else into it. So i started telling him he was a good friend etc making it clear. I think he has got the hint now because he has started talking to me less and is a lot less enthusiastic and to tell you the truth i don't like it. I felt secure in the fact that he was always there and i didnt have to like him back because he would be there because he liked me so much. It sounds mean but i felt secure and comfortable to have someone there that i knew really liked me and would really do anything for me. And now i feel like i'm loosing that. I was never really that fussed whether he text me or spoke to me but i guess deep down i knew how he felt. Now i feel like it's him that is not fussed or bothered when i text him and i hate it. I know that it's not fair like im no one special so i can't expect him to be hanging on my every word any more when he more or less knows that i'm not interested. but in my irrational mind i feel he has done this on purpose. it feels like he has pursued me, made me like him and then fucked off. And although i say it's rational i don't know if it actually is or not. I don't know wheather my reactions to things are irrational or not. I have lost all sense of reality and it's driving me crazy. With regards to borderline personality disorder, i feel terrible right now about that guy, like recently he's been not bothering to text back and not making an effort to speak to me and its making me feel like shit. I feel like a 'normal' reaction would be like meh oh well its understandable hes busy etc but i feel like he isn't speaking to me because i am 'mad' too depressing or not like he thought i was. I feel like crap and him not texting me back makes me feel like shit like really really down and i know that must be an over reaction, to feel totally low because he didn't text me back. And the thing is i know if he text me being all nice etc then it would change and i would be happy. (i use the word happy loosely, or at least would make me momentarily happy). I just feel angry towards him it makes me wanna ignore him and treat him like shit coz i feel i have opened up to him and really got close to him and thats hard for me and now hes just no interested anymore. I just get so angry. Is it an over reaction or not? either way i just dont know how to deal with these things.

SAD

You know what, i feel so angry and dissatisfied when I read over my previous diary entries(not only my online ones) because they don't even come close to expressing how i really felt at the time and how intense it is.

Depression is such a hard 'thing' to explain. It takes over everything. I can't remember the last time I cried, (apart from the other night where i got so paraletic that i threw up for the whole of the next day and was unable to keep water down- which btw my counseller thinks is another form of self harm) but yeah i havent been able to cry for a long time because i have just felt completely numb. I can remember what feeling sad feels like but i dont feel it i dont feel anything, im just numb. It's like i am beyond feeling sad any more, sad is an understatement. However saying that, my parents had planned to take me out this evening so it took me the whole day to prepare myself and make sure i was ready. It's as if i can only do one thing at a time now. If i am up at 10am and i have to be out by 7pm I worry and panic and am on edge until the time i have to leave. I make sure i'm ready physically and mentally i cant focus on anything but that. Anyway, I managed to have a bath and wash my hair which, as i already mentioned is a huge struggle for me at the moment as i couldnt care less, i know i look like crap but i feel even worse. ISo after my shower i put jeans and a favourite top of mine on and went downstairs. I was feeling a little better, more fresh and revived but as soon as i looked in the mirror it all changed.

I looked in the mirror and i saw a fat ugly pale weak feeble girl standing there. And instead of feeling 'meh well no surprise there thats just how you are' i actually felt a huge wave of sadness come flooding over me. I felt i had made his effort (and it was a massive effort) to try and 'pull myself together' to get clean and fresh and presentable to go out and i felt a bit better but when i looked in the mirror, this weak and feeble image did not reflect the huge effort i had put into feeling even a little bit better. And I think that was the point i felt really really saddened by my complete hopelessness and helplessness. I sat down and looked out the window and it was a beautiful day, the sky was a lovely light blue the sun was shining it really was a gorgeous day and for the first time in a long time i felt genuinly 'sad' at the situation i am in. It felt very strange at first, being able to feel this sadness as usually it is numbed out, i dont care enough to be sad, but it creeped up on me and as i realised what it was and i realised my situation, the tears started to come and it was hard at first to express them and let them out but eventually they came flooding out and i was sobbing and crying about my pathetic situation, i was crying for the fact i was trapped not only in the house on a beautiful day but that i am TRAPPED inside me, with this feeling that is never going to go away. Looking at this gorgeous day through the window was such a metaphor for my entire life and i think it just overwhelmed me.

I say 'sad' in quotation marks because i think it gets thrown about a lot, it seems to me quite a childish word. But today, when this happened to me, the only way i can describe that feeling is of real and true sadness. Maybe it is a childish word, but then again things for children tend to be quite simple and the word sad is very simple. However when you have experienced feeling sad you can understand how INTENSE that feeling is.

I wish I could find a place to escape to when i was feeling utter shit. I wish there was somewhere i could go to just get away from this feeling or something i could do to stop it. Self harm works momentarily but it only adds to this feeling of guilt that i am already racked with. The most depressing thing is that i already know the answer. The reason there is nowhere i can escape to in order to rid these feelings is because no such place exists. No matter where i go i will have these feelings because the problem isn't the place, it is me. Really I need to re phrase my wish, which truly is a wish as it is never going to happen. I wish i could escape from myself.

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