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Numbness&Recovery...

As the title says, I'm recovering from cutting. A horrible breakdown finally surfaced for me on Sunday of this week. I was scared about going back to the school I got bullied out of like 2 times. Last year, they led me to only cutting. This year? It was a lot worse. Breakdowns here and there. I'm afraid that, since I'm back at that hell hole, they'll lead me to suicide. And I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself when that time comes. While walking down those halls on Wednesday, I felt this horrible, gut-wrenching feeling that something was going to happen. That they were going to bully me so bad, I would take my life away. I can't tell my mom about my fears, because she'll get scared. When I go in that school, I feel numb. And that's scary as hell. The image of me ending it all pops up, but I force it down with everything I have. It's Hell. It honestly is. I'm so TERRIFIED. Truly terrified. Not a nervous kind of terrfied. A true, heart-stopping terrified. I hate it there. Even if they aren't throwing mean slurs this week, what about the next? Or a month from now? It will eventually show up again. Bullying always does. That place scary me so much, I have to stop myself from shaking. I'm so scared. I want to tell my mom. Get her and my dad to get me homeschooled more quickly, but I can't. It's needy.  I just want to look at her and say, "Mommy, help me. I'm so, so scared. Just save me from them." Those people, they are demons from my past, and I hate them. I honestly do. I need to be saved from them before my body is six feet under. I don't want to die. I just want to hide from their disapproving, hating eyes. I never want to see them again. I need saving. But, I can't admit it out loud. The only thing I have to help me is God. And I know it isn't right to question him, but why give me this life? And why make it so hard to live through at such a young age? I'm too young to have to face this. Just...WHY? All I want is for my mother to wrap her arms around me and save me from them. But, I can't ask that of her. it isn't her place. I should just suck it up. And it's so hard to be in recovery because, if I don't cut, the numbness the cutting gets rid of? It won't go away. And I try not falling into it... God, I'm trying...

Bad Influence... Part 2

Well, my sister officially hates me. All because I told her boyfriend she's afriad of storms. It's not like he's gonna break up with her... To him, She's freaking Aphrodite! Ugh. Why am I still alive if I ruin everything?! I think I'm going to end it. This is it. I'm going to kill myself. I don't know when, but I'm going to. I promise myself that. If my sister hates me that much, I'm  going to kill myself. I guess I should say my goodbyes to everyone... Bye, cruel, insensitive, FUCKED UP world. It was SO NOT nice meeting you.

Bad Influence... Part 1

I'm a truly horible sister. My little sister thinks she should start cutting herself becuase she 'hates' her life. But, she doesn't understand the concept. It's not that I do it because it's fun. It's because I can't quit. She thinks that if she does it, it will make me quit. At least that's what I think. I really don't know. But, I have to do something to stop her. *Sigh* At least I have this blog. It says everything I can't. I feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders when I write. The reason it says part one is because I have to go to my sister's basketball game. I can just feel my heart clench when I look at the little documents she's written on her computer. All about me, her, and cutting. She's only 10. I just reallty hope I can stop her from any mindless decisions she's going to make. Anyway, I better get going. She'll get angry. And I've hurt her enough...

Disgust...

I don't know what came over me yesterday. But, with cutting, that's how it is. Right? I found a piece of plastic that was kinda sharp. While my mom was visiting my dad inside his job, I carved 'Disgust' into my left arm, near my other cuts. I wanted to write disgusting, but there was no room. It didn't bleed. Just left a welk. Now, it's a few unreadable marks. But, I know what it says. It shows me that I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I'm disgusting. SICK. All because I like cutting. I hate it, too. I want it to end, but I want the same for my life. Judge me all you want, but I like the sting of the sharp little sciwsors I use when I press them to my skin, drawing blood. I find it ironic that, when I accidentally get cut, I almost faint from the blood. But, when I cut myself, I like the blood. I PRAISE it. It's sick. It's disgusting. It's repulsive. It's horrible. But, it's also ME. I'm trying to quit, but I can't. I feel the numbness taking over. I want to feel. I NEED to feel. To know that I'm still HUMAN. Still capable of FEELING. That's all I want. All I need. I feel like, if I don't feel the pain, I won't feel anything at all. And it scares me. Especially when I kept trying to draw blood, and the wound goes numb. That's when I cut harder. And that's when I turn numb. My wrist doesn't. I do. Me. My soul. My everything goes numb. And I push people away. People I need. I'm disgusting, Worthless. I'm not deserving of this life. I WANT it to end. But, the only reason I'm still alive today, is that I'm not gonna put my friends and family through anymore pain because of me. I've done enough damage..

Ending It All...

The title kinda explains what I'm about to say. My best friend had to talk me out of a really bad mood yesterday. I was so close to gettin' my dad's pain pills. But, she helped me through it. The idea is still in the back of my mind. The thought that it would be so easy. I can't tell her that though. She'll worry. I know it would be painless for me. But, for her? Probably not. For some odd reason, she cares about me. It may be because, out of all the people that are really close to her, I'm one of the only ones that knows she's bisexual. Her family is all about morals and shit. So what if she likes both teams? We're all bicurious. I don't care if you're gay, straight, bi, or friggin' purple. It's who ya are. Can't help it. If others don't except you, FUCK. THEM. Okay. So, enough blogging today.

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