As the title says, I'm recovering from cutting. A horrible breakdown finally surfaced for me on Sunday of this week. I was scared about going back to the school I got bullied out of like 2 times. Last year, they led me to only cutting. This year? It was a lot worse. Breakdowns here and there. I'm afraid that, since I'm back at that hell hole, they'll lead me to suicide. And I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself when that time comes. While walking down those halls on Wednesday, I felt this horrible, gut-wrenching feeling that something was going to happen. That they were going to bully me so bad, I would take my life away. I can't tell my mom about my fears, because she'll get scared. When I go in that school, I feel numb. And that's scary as hell. The image of me ending it all pops up, but I force it down with everything I have. It's Hell. It honestly is. I'm so TERRIFIED. Truly terrified. Not a nervous kind of terrfied. A true, heart-stopping terrified. I hate it there. Even if they aren't throwing mean slurs this week, what about the next? Or a month from now? It will eventually show up again. Bullying always does. That place scary me so much, I have to stop myself from shaking. I'm so scared. I want to tell my mom. Get her and my dad to get me homeschooled more quickly, but I can't. It's needy.  I just want to look at her and say, "Mommy, help me. I'm so, so scared. Just save me from them." Those people, they are demons from my past, and I hate them. I honestly do. I need to be saved from them before my body is six feet under. I don't want to die. I just want to hide from their disapproving, hating eyes. I never want to see them again. I need saving. But, I can't admit it out loud. The only thing I have to help me is God. And I know it isn't right to question him, but why give me this life? And why make it so hard to live through at such a young age? I'm too young to have to face this. Just...WHY? All I want is for my mother to wrap her arms around me and save me from them. But, I can't ask that of her. it isn't her place. I should just suck it up. And it's so hard to be in recovery because, if I don't cut, the numbness the cutting gets rid of? It won't go away. And I try not falling into it... God, I'm trying...