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Months now...

I started coming to this site back in Feb.  Met some nice people.  Talked.  Connected with at least one person but he doesnt chat anymore it seems.

I often write down my feelings but I never show them to anyone.  Or if I do write something down, its just one line, or a small paragraph.

Anyway.  In 2 days, it will officially be 7 months since he broke my heart which started this in the first place.  The truth of the matter is, of course, everyone gets their heart broken at least once in their life.  I have been lucky (haha) enough to experience this 2 times now.  But when I go back and think about it, I realize, I never get over these things.  I have been dwelling on relationships that were years and years ago.  I have come to determine that I just cant seem to move on.  Sure, I think about it less, but, I never move on.

Like, if the first guy that broke my heart almost 4 years ago were to suddenly pop back into my life, I would experience the same level of anxiety that I currently have with the one that just broke my heart 7 months ago.  Why is that?  Why do I still think about him?  He has clearly moved on, its been 4 years.  And this one... the recent one, he has moved on.  I mean I found out today that he has moved on.  Which is really sad for me because I dont know what holds me back from letting go.  I feel like I am just incapable of letting go.  I've read self help books, gone to therapy and asked for all sorts of advice from family and friends and nothing helps.  Why cant I get over things?  You know I still think about mistakes I made when I was in grade school...  I am 33 years old, I need to be over these things.  But, I dont know how to get past it.

Do we just forget about the mistakes and the loss, or do we ever truly get over it?

I am awake tonight writing because at 7 months, I still cry myself to sleep over my lost love.  He told me that we were probably never compatible.  It didnt make me feel good.  And then to top it off, I watched a TV show where the lady says something like, "A relationship will work as long as both people want it to work."

Which one is true?  Where we never compatible, or was it just that he didnt want us to work.  Because I sure wanted us to work.

I cant remember what I was like 10 years ago.  I keep thinking that I might have been ok then, and I want to remember what it was like.  What was it like when I woke up and didnt hate my life?  I tell myself every day that I hate my life.  I dont know how to love it.

I need to sleep...  I am having such a hard time tonight because he is on my mind.  After tonights conversation about where everything went wrong 7 months ago...  God, I just want to sleep with a clear head.  I dont want to think about him.

Thanks for listening...

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