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11
Jan

Wake up call

It's nearly 2 weeks to the day when i had to take another trip to the Dr's as i was feeling a bit low and suffering from panic attacks.

I was first diagnosed as clinically depressed 3 years ago and in that time i have been off and on medication getting better then suffering from depression again. Each time the depression returned it seemed to come back progressively worse than before. This time it has been the worst it has ever been, the anxiety is equally as bad.

As i have just recently started my new course of medication(2 weeks ago) i can honestly say it feels like there is no way out or getting better from this depression and anxiety this time, i dunno if it is because it feels alot worse this time. My whole body feels screwed not just my mind i can't eat properly or sleep, i wake up at the exact same time every morning 6:24am no matter how long i have been asleep and as soon as that time hits and i wake up the anxiety starts the same thoughts that have tormented me for the past 2-3 weeks pop straight into my head and i have to fight to get back to sleep most of the time to no avail. I think in the time between when i wake up and my wife and kids wake up is the loneliest i feel and my thoughts and anxiety are the strongest.

This bout of depression and anxiety is soley centered around Death & Dying and it has scared the shit out of me, i mean really scared me. It has made me question everything, What happens to us when we die, is there anything else after we die and  will i reach old age? And everytime one of these thoughts pops into my head a massive wave of panic and anxiety passes through my body some days its all i can think about and can't concentrate on anything work, family etc. It got so bad that every little twinge and pain in my body my mind told me i was going to die, all i wanted to do was sit and cry and i really thought i was going to have a breakdown. I felt alone and if i told people how i felt they would think i was mad, but the only way i could let anything out and take abit of the weight off my shoulders was to explain it to family and friends.

Thanks for reading

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