is it wrong to be confused about what you want in life anymore???i just don't understand where im headed...what is it that i want to accomplish in my life...my dreams and goals...sigh...with so many thoughts racing through my head its unbearable to make a decision...just wan't this year to be over already...for some reason i think next year will be a fresh new start for a fresh new me...

how it all started.. i was a normal high school student just enjoying the company of my friends and eating junk food,crashing late because i'd be online most of the time,and stressing about last minute studying...little did i know that it was all about to change...i was 16 years old...i became infatuated by a guy friend who was very close to me..lets call him Ben...well Ben was a typical popular boy at school and as close as we were i didn't wan't him to know about my feelings for him..because i know how he'd react..just the way any other guy with react if they found out i liked them..they'd throw a fit and start hating me..maybe even gag a little..sigh...anyway another friend of mine who was also a guy lets call him tom..well tom was more than a friend..his family and my family were very close..so we were kind of like a brother and sister figure to each other you know..he was a grade smaller but 2 years younger than me..well Tom wen't on and told Ben that i liked him..and Ben through a fit and stopped talking to me..but still i went on with normal life..about a week later tom asked me out..i was stunned i couldn't believe it..i mean i never looked at him in that way before..at first i totally refused considering our age diff but then i realized that for the first time a guy who knows me for me actually likes me..so i said yes..although i still didn't like him in that way...2 weeks later i fell head over heels...i ended up having my 1st kiss with him..and we started getting really serious...for the first time ever i actually believed in love..whoa..then 2 and a half months down the road he broke it of with me..i broke down like every normal teen girl..but it only got worse from there because the break up brought us closer together rather than drifting us apart.....after we broke up like not even 2 full weeks later tom had gotten another girl friend..that hurt even worse than when i got cut with a bottle piece across my thumb when i was 6 years old..anyway we had a fight and didn't talk for 1 month...after that we bonded again and started talking..then on the 2nd of April 2012 he kissed me..but this time he had a girl friend and they were dating since forever now..i was so in love with him that i didn't care that he he had a girl friend..after that he wanted to take things with us to a more serious level so we started getting intimate..not involved in intercourse just intimate...he knew i loved him so much..guess i became so blinded..i just thought and still do think that no one will ever love me again..so from there on wards we had this physical relationship going on while he had a girlfriend he claimed to love so much..the worse part was every time he came to see or something he told me it was my fault that he was with me..he kept calling me names..i remember at one stage he told me he hated me..he used to toy with my mind..one day hes all lovey dovey with me..and the next its dont tell me you love me i don't love you..whats wrong with you..you so obsessed with me...i still put up with him because i just..i just loved him..when i finally realized i was suffering from depression i tried to tell him..but all he'd say was why are u sad all the time there's something wrong with you..you obsessed thing..then he'd stop talking to me for days and then when he wanted to get physical again he say it was all my fault that we fought and make me feel guilty and then we get back to our physical relationship....it became unbearable...it still it...everything he said good and bad every touch every kiss..it plays in mind over and over again..i don't know if it will ever end..i don't know if i'll ever be able to love again or marry...because i'm so afraid to be hurt again..so afraid...we don't talk anymore..but i see him because like i said our family's are close so i have to pretend as if nothings wrong..but its so hard to be around him..i just starting getting anxiety attacks...god help me..