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My Story

This is something I have needed to do for a long time, i dont know why? maybe its because i dont really have anyone who will listen to me going on about myself for however long this takes. Or even if such an angel i know exists that how will i know they wont pass it on?

 

This story probably helps if you know from the off that i'm adopted and spent my teenage years feeling like a complete outsider. infact i still feel like that moving from group of friends to group of friends and severing connection after connection for fear of any of the groups i had latched onto decided to ditch me (in a nutshell its my fear of abandonment driving me, also my pent up feelings of inadequecy which stem from adopted but were nailed on from childhood).

Throughout my childhood knowing I was adopted i always wanted to feel special i tried so many different things for a chance to excel trying to impress everyone i met and had regular contact with, with fibs (little white lies) in order for someone to just love me, didnt really consider that was it at the time but looking back its so obvious.

My dad (adoptive one) had it hard i can see that now, bringing up another mans child which is how i would see it if i'm honest. i think this is why he was always distant and basically i felt like he was a prick to put it mildly, he made me feel not worthy without self esteem from a young age, like nothing I said had any merit and ok when your a teenager thats probably true however you at least try and install somekind of confidence and self belief into a child dont you? especially one who already has a chip on his shoulder about not belonging!

However i dont blame me dad for everything i just wish he was a more proactive role model if i'm honest and i hope one day he can understand that.

Me mam (mam=adoptive mother) I used to think she was perfect and that I had to everything I could to live up to her expectations and that i was letting her down all the time, my feelings of inadequcy coming through again and just fyi at nearly 28 i have finally broke this off and to be honest feel so much better. What i mean is my dad was a nob to me and her and my adoptive sister (our-kid) was a major problem child, so i felt and still feel to a point that i have had to carry the burden of expection on me back so that me mam could hold her head up high in public, my modest accomplishments were nothing in comparision to her friends children my peers. However there was still 'James is doing ok'.

In truth i was drowning and have been since i was about 16, every november around my birthday i can trace back to then i get worse with my depression. I always used to think about my family and what they

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