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some see me as a positive success, others see me as a complete failure

There are so many people in the world that I think I'd rather be.  Some people look up to me as a positive success and are the same people who want to be like me or have what I have or achieve what I have accomplished.  I just want to be happy.  Every year, I try to find some kind of positive activity or goal to work towards, something that is an obtainable goal so as to not let myself down if I do not succeed.  This is my last year of school and am tentatively planning to graduate in March of 2012, but the last couple months of it seems harder than when I first started two years ago.  I know that I am almost there, but I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or the feeling of accomplishment that I should be feeling.  I have a decent job that I enjoy working, but I am always striving to do better, to find more of what is out there, or what the world has to offer someone like me.  Ever since I was little, I never felt like I was ever good enough, probably because my strict and old fashioned parents told me so while comparing me to those of their friends' overachieving children.  I am not a doctor or a lawyer or any kind of high paying professional.  I am just me.  Blue collar and just barely making it.  I'm stuck in the middle just like everyone else.  I hate being stuck.  That's how I feel even after I have accomplished what most people hope to.  I just don't feel like anything I do makes a difference in the world.  I feel like no matter how much I do for people or for myself, it won't change them for the better, so why should I even bother?  I'm tired of worrying about everything and everyone.  I'm worried about myself.  I'm on the edge of giving up.  My 33rd birthday just passed this Saturday, but I don't feel positive.  I just feel like there is one less year for me to accomplish all of my life's goals.  Time is flying by so fast and I can't seem to be able to grasp my memories.  I can't seem to recall all the good things in my life or all the good things that I have done for others.  I can't even remember last week.  If you look around my house, you'd probably think that I did absolutely nothing, but I know I did 8 loads of laundry, wrote 3 research papers for school, 3 loads of dishes, cooked at least 6 meals, packed about 12 lunches, and didn't miss a day of work.  I called off work today because I just didn't want to leave my house.  I don't want to pack lunches or cook or clean.  I have all this homework that was due and is now late, but I can't seem to motivate myself to do it.  My house is all dirty and dusty and my dog has fleas again.  The sink is full of dishes, the laundry is never ending, and there is a strange smell coming from somewhere I haven't figured out.  I have no one to talk to and I don't think my medication is working anymore.  My friends think I'm just crazy because I seem to have everything that they don't.  The crazy thing is that I'd rather have nothing and no one, that way I wouldn't know the difference.

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