Why don’t we talk more to each other? Why can’t there be more listening? Sometimes I think a blog is only in existence because people don’t feel like they are heard or that anyone would listen if they started a conversation. Maybe it’s because we all want to be recognized as a person who has as much worth as the people around us. For someone with depression that is a difficult concept to grasp. We often feel “less than” those around us, and if there is somewhere that we excel, our thought is that it’s only because we fail at so many other things, God had to give us one thing that we do better. I look at my friends and see the career woman, the one that sacrifices everything for the kids, the seamstress, the one with no kids, and the one whose intelligence is unmatched. These five women are everything I’m not. I have never had the high level career that made lots of money, I’ve always been too selfish to give everything to my kids, my sewing leaves lots to be desired, I can’t go do something at a moments notice because I have responsibilities, and I don’t have a huge vocabulary, nor am I able to talk politics. However, I recently realized I’m comparing myself to the conglomeration of all these women. If I were to look at each one individually, while I thought so at one time, they are not perfect. One has no children to bring her joy, and take care of her as she ages, another has a husband she considers leaving, one has children in trouble that she can’t help, one has so much fear of the outside her children are also afraid, and another has not been able to teach her family the basic responsibilities of life. So I am depressed, and skilled at many jobs, but master of none… I guess that’s really not so bad. My family loves me, even likes me. I’m proud of the condition of my home and my marriage. My kids are on their way to becoming productive social citizens. So, I don’t need to vent too often to others. But I do like to share. I guess that’s why I started to blog. To reach out to others, to remind them there are good days and bad, and to keep things in perspective. Who do you compare yourself against? Is it a fair comparison or are you making up some ONE person in your head that you need to aspire to be? Talk to me, I’ll listen.

Some days are full of promise and excitement. Other's just seem to drag on and on and on. Yesterday I had a wonderful time with my daughter. She is so excited about this school year, picking a college and just growing up. She is ready, confident, excited... nothing like me. While I am excited for her, I can hardly relate. When I started my senior year in high school, I had lots of friends, boyfriends and it was easy for me to keep my low level depression at bay. My parents were busy, I had a job, and was involved at school. My parents didn't discuss my future with me that I remember. There was no excitement. Now, today particularly, I see myself as not having become ANYTHING! No bachelors degree, not really skilled at anything. I am a mom, wife, distant daughter. I have no expertise in anything, but I do have a little knowledge about a lot of different things. Where do I go with that? I know this is another season of my life. Time for me to guide my children to the finish line of their early education. Four more years with my son the freshman. I guess that will be my time to invest in me again. Until then, I hang on with my fingernails, and don't look down.... maybe I can make it. I just hope there will be enough of me left to do something with.

That light... sometimes blinding, sometimes just a glimmer... what is it? Is it hope of the future, a view of something better, something other than the darkness that I've been living? Or is it a train? Isn't that how we feel ? Just when you think you're ready for a new view of the future, something happens and it feels as if you've just been flattened, like someone has kicked you in the stomache and you can't catch your breath. So what do you do with that? I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 1995. At first we thought it was baby blues after the birth of my daughter. But, after a miscarriage and another baby, I knew it was more than that. These "blues" were not going away, and I was starting to really scare myself. So, I got help. I want to use this blog to share my experience, and encourage others. Am I cured? Hardly, but I am on the way. The light at the end of the tunnel? For me, it has changed to the possibilities that lie ahead. What is it for you? Is it hope or is the train on top of you? Let's talk.