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Definately Not Like The Movies

Life is not like the movies or tv shows. Where you're depressed one moment and then all of a sudden the next day something spectacular takes it all away. No. There are hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, out in this world held at gun point by depression. Endless bullets of pain. Wondering to yourself,  will it ever reach the end of that clip?Apparently those who had lived through it say yes. But I always wonder to myself, are they being entirely truthful. Countless articles of talking about how "you're time will come, get ready to shine." Bullshit like that. It pisses me off when people who never suffered from this try to give advice to me by saying, just be happy. My mind goes crazy. My heart drops. I try to keep my breathe under control. I tried being happy. Countless times. What the hell kind of God would put his people in these situations and allow it. Everyone deserves a good time. I try to have a good time. But I'm at the bottom of a pit. I'll climb out of it. But one tiny slip and I'm back down. There used to be a time where I'd come home everyday and just sit in my room and cry. It used to soothe me but I abused it. I can't cry anymore. It's very hard for me. I couldn't cry at my great grandmothers funeral, but for whatever reason I cried at the fact that it wasn't me in there. Screw the attention I just wanted to be dead. I want SO bad to trade places with her. Oh, but no. "Life goes on." Now I'm at the point of cutting. I don't cut my wrists but I'll cut my upper arms so people can't see em. Here and there I'll cut in the visible areas. I'm trying not to abuse this melody because I don't know what's next when this doesn't make the pain go down. I'm scared. I'll shower and look at my scars and for some reason. It feels and looks right. Like they belong on me. I'm a worthless peice of shit. I swear I'm a nobody. Perhaps God has favorites. I have no idea what the freak is his problem. I honestly don't know. I'll see people I know and all the surroundings do stuff they shouldn't be doing and they get rewarded. They get love, they get jobs, they get the good life. But me, I don't party or drink or steal or cheat. I'm kind to everyone and will always be there for a person when needed. I'm so kind that if I could take away all the depression in this world and let me suffer from it for you guys, I would. Just so you guys can be happy. I know you deserve it. My dad told me I had the biggest heart he's every seen. Those words don't mean much anymore. I always hear God works in mysterious ways, I fucking agree. Pretty damn mysterious to be where I'm at and how everything is what it is. Maybe that phrase is just a sad excuse for realizing the truth. Just a phrase to make you believe. I was born a catholic in a very catholic family. Nobody knows that I'm losing my faith. Dropping the label. I feel slightly less judged and less stressed in life losing my faith for some reason. But now I feel my life is nothing more but a useless hour glass. Why wait for the last grain of sand to drop when I can just break the glass now. I guess what im saying is sometimes you just got to help out your depression by pulling out your own Nine. There is no God. Whatever though I guess now I have to find a good hammer and a look up at a decent method of destroying my "hour glass." Sucks to have that voice in your head telling there is nobody out there for you, that there's nobody in this world that wants to hug you and hold your hand. Just the other day I finally cried while folding and putting away my clothes asking my self, what's wrong with me? Thinking of all the good of me and realizing maybe there's nothing good about me. Everyone is better than me. I had to hold my own hand. After the little scene, the day went on and nothing changed. Which is why I see prayers the same as I see..a Christmas list. Christmas in march. That'll be the day

No Love

This shit is never going to work. I'm always brought down for some reason. I'll be happy I'll be confident I'll be smiling and feeling great and yet my stupid ass somehow manages to fuck it up. I cut myself. I fucking cut myself. This isn't me. This isn't what I would do yet its something I crave. I used to be so against it. I don't even fucken know. I don't see why God can't answer my damn prayer and just kill me in my sleep. I'll go to Hell that's fine. Just kill me. I'm a nobody. Nobody wants me. I'm a dead beat loser who can't even get hired. My heart is unwanted. Why am I here. Who fucking knows. Am I just a little toy to these "heaven" people, I really don't know. I read something and maybe it was a sign. Some people aren't just fit to be in a relationship. Is that me? Is that really me?? It makes my heart feel broken to realize that may so apply to me. But why? I don't know. It's something I really want and I'm not fit for one. I can just cry. All I want to do is cry. I feel so trapped. I feel like there's nothing I can do to escape this. I want to die and I can't even have that happen to me. I have to sit here and accept it. And just take the truth. My heart always has the dropping feeling. I want to go away. I hate the feel of a sad heart. It's horrible. And what makes it worse is that I want to leave this world and I can't. I cut and cut hoping I would slit a vein that'll take me out quickly and painlessly. But no. It's just these scars. I'm starting to think death would feel 10 times better than what I'm feeling now. Anything to rid this pain. Anything. Ow. What I'm always saying on the inside. I won't make much of difference if I'm gone. That's why I'm distant. So people won't get much of an attachment to me. So when I die, not much will be felt. Oh but I want to go now. I don't like what God is doing to me. I don't like what I have now. I don't like who I am now. Every one is much better, no far better than me. I'm a nobody. I'm the left out one. I'm the forgotten one. This is life though. Nothing is going to change. It is what it is and people have to live with it. I don't. And that's why I'm ready to die. I would take anyone's place in death than just sit here and live. I'm not even living. I just wish it was me rather than Ama. She had much more time to live. Far much more I kno. She was only in her 70s. I wish I could do something to trade places with her. So she can continue on and live with her family and see more. Experience more. Oh God why won't you kill me. I just want love. I just want to live life with the special someone. Kinda how my cousins are doing it. I wish I had that life than this loser life. Oh I look up to them. They are the good ones in this family. The ones with worth. They are lucky. I have no one to love. I have no money of my own. I have nothing. I just take up space. Take me out so someone better can fill up this space. I'm just wasting it. I want to cry right now. It's something I always want to do. Here are the thousand tears I promised you God. Maybe now you can kill me in return.

A moment of truth

A guy once told me I'm the kind of person that will always be there when needed but will be forgotten when times are good. I didn't really say anything, I couldn't say anything, he was right.

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