Definately Not Like The Movies
Life is not like the movies or tv shows. Where you're depressed one moment and then all of a sudden the next day something spectacular takes it all away. No. There are hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, out in this world held at gun point by depression. Endless bullets of pain. Wondering to yourself, will it ever reach the end of that clip?Apparently those who had lived through it say yes. But I always wonder to myself, are they being entirely truthful. Countless articles of talking about how "you're time will come, get ready to shine." Bullshit like that. It pisses me off when people who never suffered from this try to give advice to me by saying, just be happy. My mind goes crazy. My heart drops. I try to keep my breathe under control. I tried being happy. Countless times. What the hell kind of God would put his people in these situations and allow it. Everyone deserves a good time. I try to have a good time. But I'm at the bottom of a pit. I'll climb out of it. But one tiny slip and I'm back down. There used to be a time where I'd come home everyday and just sit in my room and cry. It used to soothe me but I abused it. I can't cry anymore. It's very hard for me. I couldn't cry at my great grandmothers funeral, but for whatever reason I cried at the fact that it wasn't me in there. Screw the attention I just wanted to be dead. I want SO bad to trade places with her. Oh, but no. "Life goes on." Now I'm at the point of cutting. I don't cut my wrists but I'll cut my upper arms so people can't see em. Here and there I'll cut in the visible areas. I'm trying not to abuse this melody because I don't know what's next when this doesn't make the pain go down. I'm scared. I'll shower and look at my scars and for some reason. It feels and looks right. Like they belong on me. I'm a worthless peice of shit. I swear I'm a nobody. Perhaps God has favorites. I have no idea what the freak is his problem. I honestly don't know. I'll see people I know and all the surroundings do stuff they shouldn't be doing and they get rewarded. They get love, they get jobs, they get the good life. But me, I don't party or drink or steal or cheat. I'm kind to everyone and will always be there for a person when needed. I'm so kind that if I could take away all the depression in this world and let me suffer from it for you guys, I would. Just so you guys can be happy. I know you deserve it. My dad told me I had the biggest heart he's every seen. Those words don't mean much anymore. I always hear God works in mysterious ways, I fucking agree. Pretty damn mysterious to be where I'm at and how everything is what it is. Maybe that phrase is just a sad excuse for realizing the truth. Just a phrase to make you believe. I was born a catholic in a very catholic family. Nobody knows that I'm losing my faith. Dropping the label. I feel slightly less judged and less stressed in life losing my faith for some reason. But now I feel my life is nothing more but a useless hour glass. Why wait for the last grain of sand to drop when I can just break the glass now. I guess what im saying is sometimes you just got to help out your depression by pulling out your own Nine. There is no God. Whatever though I guess now I have to find a good hammer and a look up at a decent method of destroying my "hour glass." Sucks to have that voice in your head telling there is nobody out there for you, that there's nobody in this world that wants to hug you and hold your hand. Just the other day I finally cried while folding and putting away my clothes asking my self, what's wrong with me? Thinking of all the good of me and realizing maybe there's nothing good about me. Everyone is better than me. I had to hold my own hand. After the little scene, the day went on and nothing changed. Which is why I see prayers the same as I see..a Christmas list. Christmas in march. That'll be the day