Different but the same. That's my life. I don't know why I bother to trust people. It seems so stupid and pointless. What seems important one day isn't always as important the next.

I feel defeated. I'm so tired of getting up every day to face another small battle. I work so hard at my job and at home and the pay off is to barely stay afloat. Am I a cry baby? I mean, is this the way everyone's life is? Is everyone exhausted and alone? It just seems like there should be more to life than working, taking care of children, and stuggling to pay the bills.

My social life is work. My co-workers don't realize how much i count on them for socialization. I guess that's a good thing!

I tried an online dating site. What a disaster! Don't do it! Talk about making your self esteem even lower. The only people i'm matched with are at least 10 years older than me. To add insult to injury, not one of them is interested in me.

I feel like I'm drowning. I can feel it in my throat. I can't find anywhere to rest and catch my breath.

Sometimes I wish i had died when I tried.  Mostly i wish i was never born. I'm such a waste of a life.

I don't know if there's another person out there that is as alone or lonely as I am. There must be or this website wouldn't exist. That doesn't make it hurt any less and it doesn't stop my tears from coming.  One of my best friends says "The biggest problems in the world are always the problems you're having", of course he's right.

When i was in the hospital i started doing puzzles. I have always hated doing them; but it was the only thing i could do there because I was such a zombie. One of the nurses told me puzzles are good for "thought blocking". Right on. Since then I've purchased three puzzles and completed one. Thought blocking is the bomb.

I don't know how I"m going to make it through raising my kids. My daughter already says she hates me and i'm stupid. If she only knew how much i hate myself. Since my little stint at the hospital I promised I wouldn't try to do it again. It's miserable, but I was told children of parent who commit suicide are twice as likely to commit suicide themselves. That's about the only reason I have to live. To raise them to be happy, loving people. Otherwise, I'm just a fail.

It doesn't matter how many meds you pour into me or how much therapy I get, I'm a loser. Nothing can change that.  I fake it when my kids are here or i'm at work. Some days it's so hard to fake it my throat and heart hurt, but you gotta fake it for some people. For the kids it would be cruel to give in. At work, i'd get fired. But when it's like this: So quiet it hurts, well, it sucks.

God, I wish I was pretty, or smart, or something other than than the dork I am.

I'm going to weed. Maybe that will thought blocking.

I wrote something and then i pressed a button and poof! it disappeared.

After eating a few ribs i start to feel like a freakin' animal. They're tasty but it must be disgusting to watch. I'm better than I was an hour ago when I found this site and read some peoples blogs. Then I decided to put out what i've been doing for years anyway. This is the only constant i've ever had other than the perpetual extra 20 pounds I carry on me.

I'm going back for the ribs.