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I'm going crazy in my own mind. I feel as if I need to be reckless, scream, and cry for no reason. I think I've gone numb again and yearn for emotion. Anything. Lost again and mostly alone. Forever. That's just how it goes. No matter what we are all always alone. No one will ever be able to understand what you've gone through, what you've experienced, felt. You're always alone. It hurts to know but I believe it to be true.

Barley holding on.

I use to have one of these accounts before. I hadn't wrote much but I tried. I wasn't doing so great for a while there I found my soulmate and it turned out he has cancer. That was an insanely, beautifull, terrifying, incredible time spent with him. But it hadn't lasted, he is still fighting cancer and I honestly thought I'd stay by his side through it all. But my faults and fears got in the way. I can't get close to others it's not something I'm good at, I can get to know people and have them open up to me easily but I cannot share myself with them as they could with me. But he was the only person who saw that much of who I was and understood me so completely. He thought a lot like I had shared the same view points but also had a sadder way of looking at things and I thought that was my thing but he was depressed more severely then I could ever understand. I loved him with all my heart but because of our two view points we weren't really ever looking on the better side of things just suddenly bringing each other down as we tried to hold one another up. He made everything look beautiful and hopeless at the same time. But every second with him was a moment spent getting by with true love and passion in my heart. But because of how we tore each other down sometimes wich happened to be a lot, and I don't mean hurt fully I just mean in the sense that misery loves company. It was because of that, that we couldn't stay together. I knew it was unhealthy for us to be like that and trust me I ripped my own heart put when I pushed him out of my life. But I knew it would be for the best. Not one day goes by that I don't think of him or see a car exactly like his and look to see if it is him. But I found happiness and balance in my life, found the track I want to be on and the mind set I want to be in. It's been about a year I would say almost that I let him go and it was tough but I found myself and opened up a little to life, to living. I found someone who makes me happy every day and confidant in myself and beautiful. He makes me feel alive. I'm slowly working to the thugs I want in life. Just lately though I've felt lost and the sorrow seeping back in. I don't know how or why or what may have triggered it but I just feel mysel weakening and becoming Exshausted, stressed and sad. I don't want to feel this again I don't want to be in that once dark place I was to familiar with. But I haven't been able to control it. I question my jobs, my relationship, myself. Doubts filling my mind and sorrow poisoning my thoughts. It's unbearable, I just want to feel alive again. I know there are obsticals in life but this does not feel like one, this feels like my depression is making me come to a defeat and letting it take over. I jut want to be living my life. Full and happy, but I'm afrai ky seems are ripping and I'm falling apart.

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