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Loss

I's been a bit since I have written. I've been trying to keep myself occupied. I find that if I constantly do things the less I think about how scattered and broken Iam. Latley I find the simplist things satisfying. Like finding a movie I have been wanting to watch. Or the guy at starbucks putting a smiley on top of my hot chocolate for me. Its been a hard couple of weeks. I work at an old folks home, I have worked there 4 years now. Im only 18 years old and I love my job. But this fall we have lost many residents that its takeing a toll on me. So many people I have known. One of the men who has been there since I started working there had been doing very poorly latley, my co-workers had been saying he was going to be gone soon. With in the next day or two, so last night when I was takeing snacks up I was going to go see him one last time. But it was to late, He had passed away and I did't get my chance. He had told me that he hoped I got a good job in the new building cause they needed more people like me there. And I wont forget that cause it made me feel extreamly good about my job. That I was doing something good. Im going to be honest I barley knew him, But what I did know is that he drank lots of coffee, watched hockey, had a good sense of humour, sweet, diabetic, and always had a sandwich for snack. I love my job truley. But the more people I care for that pass away the harder it gets. Its sad to say you have known alot of people who have died.

Lost

I haven't gotten any better, only worse. I have officially driven the one person I told everything to away. I get close to a certain point and then pull away and leave their lives. Its a constant cycle I am caught in and I don't know why or how to fix it. I've been getting drunk every weekend, and started weed. I know they are both depresants but it doesn't make me stop doing it. I can never fall asleep at night, always going to bed at 6 or so in the morning and sleeping during the day. Constantly eating whatever I can find thats fast to make or already made. I've gone numb again. Not feeling anything, even when I cry, I feel nothing just the tears running. I have no desire to do anything but sleep and become lost in my dreams. Even if some of them arnt so great. Im always alone, there is no one I can talk to anymore and I feel more lost then ever. I cant even destract myself anymore. I don't do my hair anymore, and rarley do my makeup. I can't get out of this rut and it just makes me feel more usless. Pointless. I find myself trying to find someone to talk to. Someone I don't know who can just talk to me and relate. It dose not really work. I cant talk to anyone I know cause I don't want them to worry, and the only person I did talk to I pushed away and isolated myself from. Im just tired, I have no idea how Im still going. The only thing in my life that is worth staying for are my brother and sister. I barley get to see them. I just want to start knew, and I wish it was easier done then said. I guess Im just wanting somone to actually listen. Im always the one who is helping others and keeping everything inside to build up. And I find now a days no one truley listens. They may hear you but they don't actually listen. Makes me lose hope in humanity, cause I don't want anyone to feel the lonliness I feel and always will. I don't know..

Numb Again.

I went through a rough patch. Everyday felt like it was the end, that I would finally give up and let go. But there he was, giving me hope and filling me with that temporary happiness. The illusion that I wasn't alone. But it can only last so long. I believe in soul mates, to me I believe there are two people who are ment for eachother, who are ment to be together. No matter the race or gender. Two people made for eachother. I always hope, and pray that I will someday find my soul mate. To be with them forever, but to me it also seems impossible to find that one person. Yet I strive to find them, and I think maybe I have. I met him a year ago. One of the most incredible, amazing, astonishing human beings I have ever met. He has an amazing sence of humour, most beautifull smile. We would talk everyday, for hours about absoloutly everything. Most of it was deep and indepth, honest, and open. Other times complete pointless fun non-sense. He has always been there for me. Through most of so much. We never did let eachother know that we had feelings for the other. Not untill a couple months ago, fear of loosing the other and hurting eachother. In so many ways we are different and in so many other ways we are completley alike. Neither one of us has ever let another person know us and get to see who we truley are, like we have let eachother. Iam unconditionally in love with him, and it frightens me. Everyday could be the last. He fills me with joy and happiness, bt it only lasts as long as he is with me. I don't want him to be the only source of my happiness, cause anyday I could loose him, literally. My fears and lack of hope keep me numb, holding me back from feeling anything. I yearn to weip, smile, scream, laugh, to feel. Life is complicated, and everything in it. I truly wish I could Understand it more. To live.

Letting go

Im tearing apart, riping at the seams. I've officialy lost everything now. I have no one to turn to. Alone, something I will always be. No amount of people will ever change that. Im tired of trying to hold on. To convince myself that there is still hope. That there has to be a reason why we are all here. I can't stop thinking that there is no point to my excistance. That I have done nothing for this world, or anyone in it. I really wish it was different, that I at least had some sense of purpose. But it's not, and I don't. I keep thinking of ending it, finally letting go. It wouldn't be the first time I have given up. I do it all to often. I have thought this way since I was in grade four. That I ment nothing and that life couldn't possibly be worth all this pain and suffering. All this sorrow. But sadly I care to much for my family, and would feel tremendous guilt for leaving them. My little Sister is only 6, and my brother 5. I couldn't imagine inflicting such pain onto them, and my niece only 2. To leave them not ever really getting to know me, and me not getting to see the amazing people I know they will turn out to be. To make my parents feel like they didn't do right, and feel guilt. When they have done everything for me and nothing is their fault. I can't help the way I feel or view the world. It's who Iam. I know I need help, truly I wish I could go and just spill everything to somone and make this all go away, to smile and find joy in life. But I can't, I can't tell people what Im going through or the things that are going on. The burdens I carry, sworn to secrecy. I just want I dunno, to actually live.

Confused

I have always thought life was pointless. That our exsistance ment nothing. I havn't changed my mind. I still feel the same. I believe everyone is alone 100%, cause no one feels exactly what you feel, no one experiances what you do. No one lives your life or will ever be able to actually relate to you. Cause they truley cannot. In a way it can be a beautifull thing cause it proves we are all individuals. But to me being alone isnt worth my individuality, and yet it is. It is'nt cause makes me believe life is more pointless. It is cause I believe every individual has a purpose and without our individuality we might not have bin able to impact peoples lives how we have. I know Im a walking contradiction. Hence the title. I don't know, I guess I'm just tired of thinking the way I do but nothing has changed my point of view. I doubt anything will. So I thought I would share my outlook.

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