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The burning joy I lost

June 28th, 2011

It was supposed to be the happiest 3 days of the year for me. My girlfriend and I had finished exams and her sister had left town for the week. After years of tip toeing just to see each other we would now have 4 glorious days together, just me and her. But it was not to be. Happiness was not happy for us to be introduced.


To add context, let me explain the significance of this. My girlfriend is Indian, and not just Indian, but parents born and bred in India Indian. If they ever found out about us, they would not only ensure that I never see her again, but they would ship her off to India and marry her to the highest bidder.We're both in college, but unlike most people she doesn't live alone, but with her sister, a smaller version of her parents.


So there I was, my black ass happier than a bird in worm season. We usually meet up on campus and try and find the most isolated place to spend time together, but this time it would be different. Me, the manic depressant looser who couldn't even manage the simple task of ending his own life would finally know joy, even if it was temporary.

There we were, she was packing her bags and i was looking at her, love bubbling in my dark heart, my defiled blood rushing merily through my body. But happiness was not ready for us to meet. AT the moment, almost as though our lives had been a script to a soppy story destined for a miserable ending, her phone rang, it was a text, and it read.

"hey it's samir [her cousin]. i need to do some stuff in town, i talked to your parents and they say it's ok if i stay at your place until the rest of the week. il be there in a few minutes."


Anger, disappointment,hatred,sadness,awe...heartbreak. For all those you have ever attempted, you will know what it feels like when you find yourself in a moment so painful, so utterly painful, that you start to hate that paramedic that saved your life. You start to despise that ambulance which speed up the highway to the nearest hospital and the doctor who was waiting for it because some "poor soul" was dying. Contrary to popular belief, I don't wish to die, I really don't. I just hate life that much.

So now I'm in my tiny apartment with nothing but my thoughts to keep me compnay. I love winter, but right now the cold has never felt more bitter. I pray I'm able to handle this...


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