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Lets start from the beginning...

I'm terrible at writing about myself, so this is the general reason I'm doing it. I guess we could start off by saying I'm a graphics designer, studying at Birmingham City University. To me, graphics design is the best job in the world; how many jobs could you say "I draw stuff and get paid for it"? It's not quite as simple as that though. While I absolutely love the creative side of it, I hate the other, which is the reason I'm actually registered on this site.

The other side to graphics design is talking to people. You can be the most talented designer in the world, but no one will know or care if you're unable to sell yourself, something which I seem to have difficulty with. Depression has taken hold of my life, and in fact it tells me how to live it. I've never really been a confident person, but my depression has taken away that little amount that I still owned leaving me in this mess. As a result I find it hard to even just have a conversation with people without feeling nervous and it no doubt shows. I'm not going to go into the cause of my depression, all I'm going to say is there was a point in my life where it felt like I had lost everything. The reality was it wasn't all that bad, however I exacerbated the problem leaving me in the pathetic person I am today. I used to try and mask it with alcohol and in all fairness it worked, until I ended days finishing the equivelent of a large bottle of vodka, wake up the next day not knowing how I was in my own bed, covered in bandages with my parents worried sick.

Everything has suddenly hit home, the thought of traveling on a destructive path without a cause. I had no goals, no future aspirations, no job, no money, no confidence and my friends began to hate me. And the best of it all is I'd sit in my room with my guitar, wondering why my life was so crap and thinking of people to blame for what I had become. I let everything just slip away because I couldn't be bothered to fight. I was waiting for someone to come to me with the answers, with a new life, a new start.

Only now do I realise how childish everything was. We live in a selfish world, no one has time to stop by and help you out because they have their own problems. I realised that the only person who could get myself out of this mess was me. The only person to blame for everything that happened is me. The only person who could stop me drinking, get more money, be a better person, be more confident, was ME.

As of a few weeks ago I've properly looked at my life and what I want and realised I was completely messed up. I've joined a gym and have a structured diet. I have a diary planner for every day with what I want completing. I have a clean workspace to conduct my work and I'm enjoying graphics. I don't drink at all really any more; I probably have about 6 cans of beer per month. I'm in the process of setting up my business in graphics design and I'm trying to keep myself busy, talking to complete strangers without the fear I used to feel. I'm not listing all these up to show how amazing I am. Far from it. If anything I'm balancing out the bad in my life, of which there is plenty for me to be embarrassed about.

I had a fear of taking a jump and getting hurt in the process. Thing is, I think if you're afraid to make mistakes in life then you have no life. Instead you simply exist. I really try to live and die by this quote:

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or even a week, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."

You're not going to die from feeling a little pain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Time to grow up, be a man and take any punishment like a boss. If I fall flat on my face, who cares. At least it won't be because I've drank too much alcohol. It'll be because I've been courageous and tried to get what I'm looking for. From now on, if I want something I'm GOING to get it, whether or not it kills me. The only unsure factor is the amount of time it will take me to get it.

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