i dont know what im even doing here anymore. my cousing told me i could trust him. hes living with my family right now, and so i told him everything. because i feel like i can trust him.or well i felt like i could. he wants to tell my parents about my cutting. im afraid, but i dont really care. im so close to just jumping off a bridge that i dont give a shit what happens anymore. see my problem is that im bi and that just makes everything in my life so much worse. im in love with my bestfriend who sadly lives in england. shes going through a lot of the same things only her eating disorder is worse. what she failed to tell me was that she had sex with this guy tom. we tell eachother everything. shes like my other half. she knows how i feel about her, and when she was here visiting we were both high and stuff happened. i feel horrible about that. i feel like i raped her or something.
i feel useless. i broke down at school today. i fail at having an eating disorder. i eat when i dont want to. im 96lbs. i overdosed last week, threw up 9 times. i weighed 93lbs. that was the happiest ive been in so long. but now im back up and feeling like shit. i might have my job back. that means i have to cut on the top of my arm. but the scars are so bad on my wrist that it wont really matter anyways. i feel so stupid today. i want to cut. im craving pills. i want to get into heavier drugs but i dont have the money. i miss being happy. i wish i could just drop out of school and get fucked up soo bad. maybe ill walk in front of a car tomorrow. maybe that would do the trick.
yah. maybe ill do that..
sooo i feel really shitty right now. we had a big family dinner today err well yesterday i guess... but yah so i had to eat... a lot... i hated every second of it. but what im proud of is that i only had one cookie with chocolate in it. the rest was fruit a bun and a tiny bit of turkey and some crackers, cheese olives a pickle uhhm nacho chips and dip.... cant remember what else... and guess what else... i left my door open today while we were cleaning and baking and the stupid dog goes in my room and manages to find my bandage for when i cut. naturaly its covered in blood. i went down to get something from my room and there my dad is cleaning up and he points to it and goes, "do you know what that is?" the question was simple so i walked over to it and when i saw what it really was i froze. picked it up and walked silently to my room, tossed it in, got what i needed closed the door and left. later when my dad came upstairs i told him it was my friends that stayed with us over the summer... my parents know she cuts, and she told me i could use her as an excuse... so i did... and he bought it... i think/hope.
i put on 5 fucking pounds today. i need to cut. so bad. i also did 40 crunches, 5 push ups, 40 desk push ups, 100 jumping jacks, 150 step ups. and ill probably do more in a bit because i cant sleep and im getting fairly bored... i think ill do my work out and then cut. that way i dont get blood everywhere. the only thing is that if i do cut i wont be able to do push ups or desk push ups as easily cuz it will hurt like hell. i suppose i could do some homework too... work out and cutting first though... i HAVE to get back to 95 HAVE to. i cant stand being this fat. 90 is my goal, and i will get there, no matter what people say. i wonder if i stay up all week and just dont sleep and work out instead, i wonder if that will do the trick.... i think ill try it! ill probably be updating every night so we will see how it goes and if anyone is reading this, wish me luck in my attempts to be beautiful! ill get there soon, i promise.
friday i weighed 98lbs.
today, 95.5lbs. i was so afraid to step on the scales this morning, but i had the biggest smile after i did. its the most amazing feeling of life knowing that ive only got 5.5lbs to go till i hit my goal weight. then ill be happy. but its going to be hard. my uncle is coming to stay with us for like two days, he goes on some big fishing trip right near where we live and so he stays with us when hes here instead of paying for a hotel or what ever. thats fine and all, i dont really mind cleaning up the house, what bothers me is the fact that my moms family is dutch. and they like to eat. a lot. can we say fml? we're having a roast dinner tonight. im going to cry. ill have a salad first, drink loads of water, and try and purge after. we'll see how that goes. i cant gain. it will kill me to have to start again. ive been doing so good, i havent binged. but mom brought home two bags of chips. and shes going to expect me to eat some. maybe ill open the bag and then roll it up so my brother will notice its open and eat them. hmm that could work. but i have to be more careful about what i do. last night we had frozen pizza. yay... not. 230 cal for 1/5 of the pizza. fuck that. so my dad went out to the garage just as i had taken the first bite of my first slice, and that was 1/10 of the pizza and my mom was downstairs with my neice so i called the dog over and tossed the pizza to her. she caught it and ate it up. sucess. but then dad came back in and he was like uhm? so i lied, told him i tossed her the crust, but he didnt believe me. so i took another piece and had to eat it. bleck. but all in all 115 cals for dinner is pretty good if you ask me. so far today ive had half a pomigante 52cals. mom will probably make me have something for lunch. ill do an egg on toast 233cal and then i have no idea whats for dinner but ill count that too but as of now im under 500 at, 285cals. maybe i can make it under 500cal today.
wish me luck.
i feel horrible.
someone asks me how im doing, ill tell them im okay. but im not. last night i got on anti depressents. im not doing okay. i have a habbit of over dosing, and guess what ive done already? ive over dosed. no one told me that i had to wait exactly 24 hours before taking another pill. needless to say, i didnt wait, and guess what, now i feel like shit. i feel weak, like im going to throw up, and i have trouble breathing every now and again.
i hate how things have turned out. im failing math. my mark in music has dropped 7% from last year, and ive been taking piano lessons for 12 years so i have no idea how i let that happen. im failing. horribly. and i cant take it. im going to be getting therapy soon, but i dont even know if that will help. im so afraid of becoming worse then what i am now, im afraid. i want to eat, i want to smile, i want to be happy for real, i want to not feel the need to use my belt to choke my self, but i cant have that. pick any of those things and ill tell you it makes me feel worse when i do it. eating, makes me want to cut. cutting makes me want to choke. choking makes me want to cry. and when im upset, i eat. you see how that works? i just dont know what to do anymore. everyone else is doing good, and im here all by myself, lonely, afraid, and hurt. if i just had the guts to reach out and get help now, things would get better, but i cant i just sit in silence and cry to myself. im that pathetic.
im that weak.
i want it to snow. i want there to be so much snow that the school is cancled and i can have another day to try and get my homework done. oh yah. im a failure. my brother and i got into a fight yesterday, i was playing with my neice natasha, who happens to be his daughter (hes 17 shes 3) and i was laying on the floor and lifting her up with my feet, holding her tiny hands and laughing with her as she squealed with happyness. and then the dogs started to bark and get excited, so dalton, my lovely brother, decides to grab our dog molly by the tail and pull her towards him. i freaked. wtf. who gives him the go ahead to do something like that? i told him off, bad idea. he told me to go back down to my hole (i spend most of my time hiding in my room, can you guess why??) i looked at him and said "suck my dick." then something magical happened!! he chucked the tv controle at me. gee. thanks bro. i wanted to slap him so much, but i know if i do anything he will put me in the hospital. hes nearly done that a thousand times already. ive stared death in the face too many times to count. my brother wants me dead. ill give him the satisfaction sooner or later.
sometimes i just want to pull up my sleve and be like look. see this? this is all because of you. you make me do this. dosent that make you feel like shit? but i wont. i cant. it will ruin everything. everyone wants me to get help, and i know in the end i really should, but whats the point? i mean we all die in the end anyways right? so why shouldnt i be the one to decide when where and how i kick the bucket??
im going to fail school anyways so why bother. im going to go have a smoke. in the morning hopefully ill get my painkillers again. life will be okay then, ill be numb. ill be happy. and ill be normal again. i hate being sober, its not normal for me. i need drugs to make it through. but yah. i need my tabaccy :)