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The other side of me.

Permalink 12:08:50 am, by damagedgoods Email , 717 words   English (US) latin1

Lately things have been crazy. I work forty hour weeks, grave yard shift, then go to the school in the morning. I havent been getting any sleep and my stress levels are way too high for comfort. Ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year, lately though I feel like Ive been seeing less of him and when i do see him we dont do much. It could be that our work schedules are opposite or the fact that were both trying to go back to school while working full time jobs. Monday night I sacrificed two hours just to see my boyfriend, keep in mind that i have only slept for three hours. I feel like he would be ok only seeing me a few hrs a week, i dont think Im gonna be able to keep up with this. Now tonight is my actual night off and we had planned on seeing each other. Two hours before our set time, he cancels and asks to see each other another night. I know I shouldnt be upset cuz I do this too sometimes, but I am. Im completelty upset! I feel like I make time to see him, as if its more important to me to actually put an effort and that he can only see me when its convenient for him. Ive tried to express to him about these feelings before but it just makes me sound like a clingy girlfriend, when I dont think I am. I like to plan, my schedule is hectic enough that its very important to me to plan time for each other and setting aside other things to do so. I love him, I know I do. Before him I had such horrible commitment and trust issues, results from events in my past (maybe ill talk about them in another post). I use to not believe in relationships or at least they lasted between two to three months and I just ended them. I would string along three to four guys, only see them on my time and only for physical reasons. It was so much easier to just not have an emotional relationship with someone, i didnt have to get close with them, and the guys didnt seem to mind. I guess I can use the expression "hump and dump." Then came along Bryan, ya lets call him Bryan, I fell in love with this guy. Two weeks of knowing him he got sent to afganistan as a civilian contracter to work on the hellicopters. Of course this fucking sucked, but he asked me to wait , and I did. I felt like it was worth the wait for this guy. We talked everyday, a month later we became official. Five months into the relationship hes already confessed his love for me that he would want to live with me one day, not anytime soon. I was the happiest girl. Im still happy, when im with him. And when im not with him this whole other side of me comes out and I just feel like I dont deserve anything. That im some impure imperfect person that I dont understand why hes with me. My chest feels heavy as if I can feel the depression washing over me, consuming me. Its getting harder to hold back the tears, it use to be easy to just flip that switch, to go from an absolute mess to this normal person. Now the switch it getting diffuclt to move back and forth between the different sides of me. I dont think anyone knows that I feel like this, or the fact that sometimes I wish I could die. If it wasnt for my religion or the fear of going to hell I would have probably done it already. And no one would miss me, Im already  the black sheep of the family living behind the spotlight of my perfect brother. My family wouldnt notice I was gone. Death feels like the answer to everything but Im to chicken shit to actually do it. Sometimes ill take a dull knife and just rub a raw line down my arm wishing I had the strength to do it. People always say that you can only go up from here, I hope thats true.

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