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ok, so she is working with this gal who is going through pretty much the same things as she is, but she just can't find in her to try to connect. There is just something about the other gal that she just doesn't....well, trust. She really gets the impression that she is fake. Her reactions to things just seem so cold, unemotional.  And she wonders, my god, do I appear that way to other people? She certainly doesn't feel that way.  And while she feels like she might be missing out on an opportunity to connect with someone, she has the feeling that in the long run, she would be sorry she did.  She is very confused, this gal seems to have it all together, seems to be fearless, which is something she wishes she was, KNOWS she needs to nurture in herself.  But on the other hand, she gets the idea that things aren't as they appear. She knows the gal goes from guy to guy like new pants, and has even had that confirmed....and while it seems the gal has relationships with her family, even they seem forced.....at least to her ears....

suspend judgement

bullet points

  • what others think about you isn't you...it is their experience of you. which is more about them
  • what about what I think about others?.....when I judge critically, that is about me?  So things sort of fall apart here, because I have to feel like sometimes I am right about people, they really are not a positive. (great turn around huh?) BUT doesn't that mean if someone has made that judgement about me, they are right?....no, I guess it just means I am not a positive for them.
  • This is where is starts getting thin....so that means I have to accept I am not for everyone, but that doesn't mean I am not for someone.  So it comes down to a numbers game?.....eff .....I have been through the numbers dammit....and that number is getting pretty damn big....
  • you can't really know what people think about you, not even if they tell you sometimes, because often their actions belie their words
  • so if I don't have to believe what others think about me........I can believe whatever I want. But what do I believe? surely some things are factual?  what would be factual.  I am overweight. that is a fact.I guess it is a fact I could change, but I don't feel it has any bearing on what kind of person I am.  It's a fact that I have brown eyes. It's a fact that my IQ is 124. I don't think either of those things has any bearing on what kind of person I am either.  for that matter why am I so focused on what kind of person I am?....because I can what people think?....no, because I want to attract people into my life and I believe that being a "good" loving person does that. But I have a tendency to take that too far and love to point of self sacrifice? Does the evidence truly support that?....or just it just appear to? Couldn't I make the evidence support whatever theory I wanted to? AND isn't it possible that theory might be different tomorrow than it is today? As a matter of "fact" (lol), I KNOW I have vascilated between theories many times just this morning! reality and truth. living with uncertainty. awww dammit....here I am looking for an answer, when I know there isn't one. it is the experience, the journey....we change every single day, our experience of the world changes every single day as well. That is a pretty tough thing to accept from a creature who's survivial instincts are to create a stable environment.  God played a pretty mean trick putting us in bodies with survival instincts that are counter productive to...what?.... happiness?...enlightentment?......just be. I don't have the nerve. But then, that is just a judgement about myself. LOL....wait, if our judgements are about ourselves, our experiences....then judgements about ourselves....hmmm...well it would be limited wouldn't it. So....when I am judging myself, I don't choose to judge negatively, I just don't have other experience to draw on, so it isn't my fault

working through 2- from a different perspective

She decided to work on identifying herself with what others think about her.  Or is that identifying herself BY what others think.  And the thing is, she don't even know for sure what they think....It seems like she knows because they have rejected her.  But, like she was saying earlier, maybe they just rejected the situation. Which admittedly sucks, because where are people's fortitude.  But maybe her fortitude is outside what it should be. She seems determined to hang onto people that aren't healthy for her.  Which brings her to, why does she even care that he made that decision. She KNOW he is bad for her, he is bad for anyone more than likely. So what dysfunction has warped that into she feels like she loves him so much......that is what scares her most.

I think I am seeing the point of these excercises. It's to realize that no matter what has gone before, maybe you were that person then, but that doesn't mean you are that person now. You get to chose who you are moving forward. But to what degree?.....sometimes I feel like just jettisoning everything and completely starting over.  But somehow I don't think my different identities would allow that, they have been around too long.  I feel like I can begin to understand why people develop multiple personalities....we all have them, they just don't manifest themselves so completely as they do in some.  The really horrific thing is that just like Tara, I find myself wanting to kill some of those personalities because I feel like while they have served me in the past, the just hold me back now. I am fairly certain that is an unhealthy approach. So what would be better?....I guess accepting those personalities and teaching them to behave differently. But that feels like the blind leading the blind. I don't know how first to behave differently, and secondly how teach someone else how to.  Oh my god, I really do sound crazy, I sound like I really think of myself as separate people....is that a good thing?.....a bad thing?.....or just a thing?.....lol

yesterday

Last night she had an interaction with her daughter. Her daughter was finishing supper so she got out the guitar and went to the living room. While she was plucking, her daugher came in and said "I knew this would happen".....She asked her daughter what, nothing....

Well, she has a good idea she is referring to the guitar, but she let's it go.  A few minutes go by, with some more grumbling, but nothing specific. Finally her daughter asks "are you done, august rush?"    She gets up to leave the room and states that she must have done a shitty job raising her daughter.  Her daughter attacks her for making such a statement which infers that her daughter is then a shitty person. She tells her daughter that she didn't say that and actually took responsibility for her daughter being the critical person she is. She was just left feeling completely helpless. Had her daughter just been honest about what the problem was from the start, everything could have been avoided. Instead, it was made out to be completely her fault from making the choice to play the guitar and bother her to what she chose to about it. Admittedly, she could have said something more constructive, but it sure felt to her like her daughter needed to own her part in it.

She is very worried that she set up this paradigm in her daughter. She doesn't feel like her approach is to be overly critical, but maybe she just proved that it is....was that statement critical of her daughter, or her?...or both?

interesting

oooo...I just had an interesting thought.  and I wonder why we do this.  But something happens to us, like, we are rejected. So what do we do, we revisit again and again, feeling the pain all over again, like it is happening all over again. When it really only happened that one time.  Why the heck do we do that?.....and that doesn't even touch on the fact that maybe "we" weren't actually being rejected, but maybe the situation was, or maybe they were rejecting their own feelings.

I do understand that we are drawn into stories, but have lost the why of it...something about not being willing to just be with our pain, so we get drawn into stories and end up making more.  I think I need to re-read some things so they cement more than the dysfunctional agreements I have already made with myself.

Question everything......but.....do you want to question the joy and love?....hmmmmm...is any of it real?....

 

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