My Black Hole, My Life

As far back as I can remember, I have been a loner, an observer, never really comfortable with other people. I don't particularly like being completely alone, but I do enjoy my alone time.  I felt socially awkward around people.  I didn't know how to interact with them.  Is that because my parents didn't teach me how?  Are we supposed to learn this on our own?  Are we born with or without these skills?  I don't know.  I have embarrassed myself on several occasions, as I am sure most people have, but it really detracts me from ever wanting to talk to anyone. I get so scared in situations where there are a lot of people I don't know and I withdrawal into myself.  My eyes become very short focused and I don't see beyond a few feet in front of me.  I shut off my hearing.  Someone could be talking to me, standing right next to me, and I won't hear them.  I have been tapped on the shoulder and told someone was speaking with me so many times that I can't count.  I have always had this tremor in my hands, that does tend to get worse in stressful situations, but I thought it was something that I inherited from my grandmother. Her hand would shake when she was eating. I guess I would do it quite often and people would ask me about it and I would say "oh, it's just something that I do and I don't even notice it."  But I do notice it, even more so when I am nervous, or I feel like someone is watching me.  I can't even drink from a glass when I am shaking because my head would shake too.  I looked up the symptoms and found that it could be Essential Tremor and I even told my doctor I had it.  I was already taking the medications commonly prescribed for it, so she didn't even say anything.  She was also giving me medications for anxiety and I didn't realize it.  I knew I had depression, but not anxiety, until I had a panic attack at my chiropractor's and he called her about it.  It was around that time that I also realized I was bipolar. I always wondered if I was, but I really began to see it more clearly after I lost my job I had for 9 years and was relieved of so much stress.  But my youngest son has the tremor too, so I really don't know if it is ET or the anxiety that makes my hands and head shake.

I've never liked the way I look.  I don't think I am actually "ugly" but I have enough structural oddities in my face that I am not pretty, not even near beautiful. I have a small mouth, big teeth that look like Chiclets gum, if you remember those, and my teeth were extremely crooked, with a cross-bite, and yellowed from mediation I took as a child. I did have braces, thankfully, but I still hate my teeth. My nose is not wide, but it is rather slim and long and the bridge is tall.  I have a high forehead, which I have always hated the most, and two cow-licks that make my bangs split in the middle and make hiding my forehead difficult. I always felt fat, even though I really wasn't and now I wish I was that size again.  People just never noticed me.  I never really had any friends in school.  I developed at a faster rate than the other kids. I started wearing a bra in 3rd grade. I would get teased, and asked if I "stuffed," which of course I had no idea what that meant. Once I got hit in the boob (you know how tender new boobs are!) and cried, so we got sent to the principal’s office. I was asked where I had been injured and I couldn't even say or show them because I was so embarrassed because none of the other girls had boobs. Why couldn't they get the hint!  I was taller than most everyone in 5th and 6th grade and was called "Sasquatch" and teased constantly. I'm only 5'5" now...  Oh, and did I mention that I have red hair?  It was not as popular back then as it is now. At least it was red and not orange.  It is more auburn now, which is much better. :)

 

So, I was lonely and freakish growing up... Is this how most people with depression start out in life?  Are we pre-destined to have depression and anxiety?

This is my very first time writing a blog. There are so many things I need to get out of my head. I'm hoping this blog will help me to do that. Maybe I will not feel so alone too. I have no one to tell all my secrets to, without being judged by people that don't understand and who have never really been depressed their entire life, or had disabling anxiety, or mood issues (bipolar.) I have been to 2 therapists in my life. The first one was free but he was actually someone with a church. It was almost 20 years ago and I only saw him twice for 15 minutes each time, so not a lot of help. I am not one to really discuss religion and don't want to be told that I need to find God or Jesus and that they will lead me to my salvation. Really? I don't mean to offend anyone either. I am not an atheist, but I am agnostic. I went to church a few times in my childhood with my Grandmother and a friend. My parents never went after they were married because they went to a Seven-day Adventist High School in which they had to live in dorms far away from home. They did not want to force religion on us kids because they had it forced on them. So as an adult, I don't know what to believe. I am scientifically minded, so that makes me agnostic, right? I think I could believe in Jesus, because I believe he was a real person, but could he really be the son of God, of someone who has never been seen with human eyes. Sure people have said they have "heard" him, but really??? Anyway, I just didn't feel comfortable talking with a man, let alone someone from the church. The second one I saw was not a REAL doctor/therapist, but I was able to get a few things off my chest, very, very few. There just wasn't enough time to discuss everything I needed help with. I was so completely stressed at that time that I was having severe anxiety attacks for the first time that I know of. I had chest pains and thought I was having a heart attack. I went to my doctor and she ruled that out. I have the healthiest heart she had seen in quite a while. She told me to imagine a box that I could lock, and even had me visualize it and describe it to her, that I could lock my feelings/issues in to get rid of them. Until when??? That did not work for me. I need resolution, closer, direction on how to deal with them... I have so many things I want to talk about and express. To be continued...