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11/30/13

Permalink 10:41:37 pm, by danzeluvr Email , 474 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: danzeluvr

So today I want to talk about my eating disorders. I guess that's a good start. When I was younger, I would eat non stop. Until I was extremely full. Eventually I became really fat. At 10 years old I weighted 137 pounds. But i didn't care, my mom was concerned, but not too much. If she didn't care then I thought I would never care either... I was so wrong. By the time I hit 7th grade I weighted 187 pounds. I was disgusting. I still am but not as much. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgust. I tried every diet and every workout I could. But they never did much. I would loose one or two pounds but never what I wanted. One day I saw a documentary on anorexia and how it made anyone loose crazy amounts of fat. Even thoug the show never said anything good about anorexia, I was desperate enough to try it. The next day I didn't eat breakfast, or lunch but when dinner time came I had to eat something. So I ate very little and after I was done I locked myself in the bathroom and threw it all up... I keep doing that every day for a long time. I was surviving on food and vitamins. I never told my mom. She wouldn't have cared anyway. By the time I was in 9th grade I looked great. I weighted 120 pounds. I was amazed. But there were a lot of consequences to it. Even though I looked great, I didn't feel great. I couldn't keep any food down, because my body was so used to the habit, it just became routine. I couldn't eat anything because I would immediately throw it back up.  Also due to the acid in the vomit, which in time became stronger, my stomach was badly damaged. I have gastritis and it's just horrible. My vocal cords also got affected. My voice was hoarse a lot and my throat was scratchy most of the time. When I found out I had gastritis, I decided to quit... It's not easy because sometimes I go back to the habit. Slowly I began eating again. It takes me a lot of time and effort but I guess I'm getting by just ok. Sometimes I want to go back, since I have gained some weight... This is embarrassing to say but I guess it will help me... As of today I weight... 150 pounds....  It's disgusting... I feel disgusting. I really can't take it anymore. I've been working out and dancing a lot. My doctor says that my weight is not horrible but not good either. So I'm working on loosing the nasty fat. I don't advise anyone to try to be anorexic. The consequences are not worth it I guess.

Thanks for reading

Permalink 01:36:47 am, by danzeluvr Email , 247 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: danzeluvr

Hello... Welcome to my blog. I need help. It took me a while to decide I should look for some help. N hopefully this will bring the help I need... I'm a high school graduate from California. With a lot of problems and issues. It's kinda hard for me to open up and talk about my feelings because I never have actually... So it might take a few tries for me to get it... Anyways I just want to share a little about wat is really going on inside. Cuz to the rest of the world I'm optimistic, cheerful, without a care in the world... But they believe it because they can't see wats really going on inside my head and heart. I feel hollow, empty, like something is missing. I have to admit that I am actually better than I was 6 years ago when I was in seventh grade. But still not enough to make it through one day without painful images going trough my head.  The purpose of this blog is to try and help me or maybe if I can, maybe I can help others. I don't know how but maybe it could help.... Hopefully with time I will open up more and more and maybe feel a lot better... And maybe I can start talking about my feelings with my mom or something.... Thanks for reading and please have patience with me... It might take a long time for me to open up

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