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day one

i've always been the type of person who loves writing, always keeps a diary, sends letters and constantly scribbles little notes, but a blog is different.  a blog like this, wow this is very new, so here goes...Been feeling down for around two months now, ever since I started university, the thing i have always wanted to do.  i really hate saying the words 'depressed' or 'depression' 'cause i am constantly trying to convince myself that i can't be, i just can't be.  i have all i have ever dreamed of in life yet it still means that as much as i am fighting with myself to be happy and enjoy things, my body and mind will just not let me.  it's a daily battle, sometimes i win, but more and more often these days i lose.  i have an incredible family - essentially just my parents and my grandfather since my nan died two months or so ago.  my friends are amazing people, i have the most wonderful boyfriend and i have achieved my dream of studying the course i want to do at university.  yet in spite of all this, all these wonderful things in my life, i feel down, lost and alone.  i'm losing myself and am ruining my life by pushing those i care about further and further away.  there are times recently where i genuinely consider just ending it all, i mean whats the point if i can't even be happy when i have such an amazing life? i feel guilty and ashamed for feeling the way i do, there are so many people out there who have genuine problems and whose lives are extremely unfortunate, yet they fight on everyday, content with their lot in life while little old pathetic me feels like she can't make it through the day without bursting into tears or hurting someone i love.  i've tried to tell some of those around me how i'm feeling, really i have, but they either don't understand the true extent of it and assume i'm being daft and attention seeking, or i rely on them too much, hurting them and pushing them away.  i don't mean to push them away or hurt them at all, really i don't, i just physically and mentally cannot help it.  i feel like i have very little control at the moment and am slowly and slowly becoming more and more alone and isolated.  i mean don't get me wrong i still have good days, but any tiny little thing can turn that around in an instant as i am constantly over thinking things, blowing them out of proportion, getting hurt and irritated by the smallest of matters and basically making life near impossible for myself.  I'm not the type of person to feel this way, i have lost the happy-go-lucky, never accept failure or a no, gets what she wants from life person that i was and i would do anything to get her back, because losing her is making me lose everything - my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my career, my passions, me...

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