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This isn't everything you are...

Broken, betrayed, confused, angry, upset, bewildered, disappointed, lost...not the best of adjectives now are they? The last week or so has been amazing, I feel like I've finally been overcoming this and have even stopped taking my medication. It felt brilliant to, to be back to my normal self and life after such a long struggle to get there. It sounds silly but I was even proud of myself for managing to overcome this - cause it really was destroying my life and overtaking my entire being. It was just consuming me, but I thought I was finally beginning to deal with it and most importantly beat it. Then disaster strikes - I find out my boyfriend (whom if I am being honest I have loved for six years, even if we have only really been properly going out for a year) has cheated on me. Devestated is not the word...

All i ever wanted comes at a price...

So decided that since I had two or three really bad days at the start of the week but had seemed to really perked up by Thursday that I would head out with a group of uni friends last night. I had a really good time chatting to them for hours and having a laugh before we headed out and then had a really good time out also. It was great just to really let me hair down for the first time in a long time. I ended up bumping into my boyfriend and his group of mates whilst there. This was brilliant to begin with - due to the long distance thing I was just so happy to be able to be out with him. Things managed to go downhill though and the night ended with him walking me home and putting me to bed where I proceeded to begin to ball my eyes out. Things just hit me I guess. He left though - I wanted more than anything for him to hold me in his arms just until i stopped crying or was asleep, but he left. I can't really blame him I suppose - he was meant to be out with mates not dealing with me. i ended up getting ready and heading back out to try and find him - i just wanted to dance with him at least. But I just wandered about on my own unable to. The walk cleared my head a little, but I was still in quite a bad place. I just felt consumed by loneliness. I felt like at that moment in time i literally had no one I could turn to. I just walked and walked. A friend from my halls ended up spotting me and taking me in to talk - it was nice, I just needed to know there was actually someone at that moment. I woke up this morning feeling anxious and scared. I don't really know why, I just feel weird and still alone a little bit if i'm being honest. I started the night having it all, but I guess getting everything you want does have to come at some price...

Why am i doing this to myself...

I've spent the last four hours curled up in my bed crying. I feel numb and invisible right now - I haven't really cried out for help but I feel like if I were to it would either be ignored, or it would be to those poor people who have had to constantly suffer this horrible, boring, pathetic version of me. Listening to those around me being normal and having a normal, fun uni life kills me - I should be like that, I want more than anything to be like that, yet whenever I try I seem to find myself knocked back down at the first hurdle. I just want to run right now, to escape it all. I want to be on a train going nowhere but just travelling. I want to be driving in the middle of an empty highway with nothing but streetlights for company. I want to be walking along an empty beach listening to the waves crash against the shore and feeling my feet sink into the sand. I want to be able to breathe. I want to be free from this feeling of despair and loneliness and stop being so pathetic. But most of all...most of all I want someone to hold me and swear to me everything is gonna be alright. I want to be able to do normal uni and life stuff without having to put on a front half the time. I want to feel like myself again and have fun again. I want to be able to prove to those around me that I'm someone worth having in your life, 'cause I know that right now, that isn't the case really...

But even the sky turns grey...

I am feeling so low today. I feel alone more than anything. I've barely made it through the day - feeling crap and drained both physically and mentally - and now I'm sitting curled up in a ball locked in my room crying. I think the worst part is hearing and knowing how great everyone around me seems to be at the moment - why can't I be normal and be like that too?! My flat mates have planned a party for this week and I am absolutely dreading it, I just don't want to be in social scenes like that right now 'cause I almost feel I can't handle it. They're all laughing and joking outside my door currently as they organise it - I don't even think they realise I'm in my room to be honest. I really do feel like I'm back at square one today and I just want the pain to go away again...

She's always a woman to me...

So since the last few days have been so good and such an improvement, I thought i'd try and delay taking my medication today - just to see if it really was that that was helping me. Verdict? It definitely is! I normally take them at 8am to give me time to sit, try not to spew and avoid fainting before I start the day. Today I waited until half past six and my god was that a mistake. I felt terrible all day. Low, alone, vulnerable, weak, teary - just dreadful really. Like I was back at square one essentially. The worst part was I truly thought I was getting there on my own, I mean sure the medication was helping, but it was ME who was the push force making my way through this. Turns out the real force is the meds. It just makes me feel a little deflated - plus I still feel really, really vulnerable and pathetic. I'm back to having some of the 'something bad is gonna happen, let's think worst case scenario about everything to be prepared' thinking too. I just want to get through this. I want my life back. I need my life back...I feel so alone at university sometimes. This 'illness' just makes me feel like an outsider and stops me from fully joining in stuff. I'm so jealous of some of my friends who are having the time of their lives at Uni -that was supposed to be me...

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