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Step 1

Everyone has suggested I write about how I feel in a journal, but I don't feel like that's enough. I need to talk to somebody, anybody. I don't expect anyone to reply, it's just nice to know that someone is hearing it for once. Let me start off by saying I have no idea how to organize the thoughts in my head, ever! I'm an organized person, I need structure to feel steady, but my head is a complete clusterfuck right now. University, family, friends, money, everything is just so messed up right now. Nothing in my life is steady which is causing me so much anxiety and fear. I would never commit suicide, I love my family too much, but the thought of closing my eyes and feeling nothing and not waking up makes me feel happy, which scares me. I want to have a full life and a family of my own and a career but I'm so stressed out and terrified and depressed by the lack of stability and support in my life. I feel SO alone all the time. I have no one there for me emotionally, they're here physically but no one is here for ME. I need help, I know I do, and everyone keeps dismissing it and telling me to get over it because I'm wasting time. I know that! I know that I waste precious time by sitting and being depressed but it's like there are 100lb weights pulling me down and I can't breath. I just want to be happy and normal again. I want to want to wake up. I want to not break down every time I'm alone, which pretty much is feeling like all the time now. I want to choose life.

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